to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

[LuckyLannister]

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

[LuckyLannister]

It does feel like an all or nothing thing.

[BravePotato]

Part of me feels that you czn't expect him to be a parent to this child, when he himself is still a child ( living at home and being looked after).

A non-parent just does not understand what having a child means.

What about the DC biological dad, does he never have him? Then you could go out. Or get a babysitter?

I think your expectations of him may be a bit jnrealistic considering the circumstances?

[LuckyLannister]

I said upthread his dad does have him sometimes. But he doesn't usually want to go out.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Cut your ties and run op, you have no ties to him just let it go. He sounds full of empty promises and flakey

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Being exhausted, unable to talk and feeling unhappy is kinda massive...

[LuckyLannister]

Yeah I know :/

I feel alright when he's here but the second he's gone and I have some space I feel like just cutting my losses.

[LuckyLannister]

I'd like to suggest a week-long, no-contact break but he wouldn't accept that before as his last girlfriend broke up with him after a break so probably isn't likely to accept it.

[HayDayQueen]

What he NEEDS to do is show that he can be a grown up.

Saying 'it will be different when we live together' is complete and utter tosh. It needs to be different BEFORE you move in together.

Firstly: he needs to move out of his 'rents house, and start paying his OWN rent. NOT move in with you.
He needs to shop for himself, clean for himself, cook for himself. And he needs to get his driver's licence and a car.

That's just the BASICS of being an adult human being.

THEN he needs to step up to being a step-dad. He needs to start being more hands on NOW. He needs to be able to cook for all of you NOW.

But he doesn't want to, because it's all too much hard work for NOW. Much easier to delay it to the never to arrive at LATER.

[LuckyLannister]

that was interesting

'Future-Fakers' isn't something I've heard before! He's not quite that bad but I feel better about considering ending it/less guilty.

[LuckyLannister]

^Firstly: he needs to move out of his 'rents house, and start paying his OWN rent. NOT move in with you.
He needs to shop for himself, clean for himself, cook for himself. And he needs to get his driver's licence and a car^

That isn't going to happen tbh. I just know it in my gut.
Not whilst we're together anyway. Maybe the driving and cooking but nothing else (and he keeps coming up with excuses for the driving anyway).

[HayDayQueen]

Then YOU don't happen.

Sorry, but why are you with him if you know he's going to continue to be such a lazy arse?

It will just be WORSE if he moves in with you.

[LuckyLannister]

He's a lovely lazy arse I guess.

And he says all the right things (and is very good at seeming to mean them at the time, to the pint that I think he believes himelf/is kidding himself).

[LuckyLannister]

I certainly wouldn't want to live with him like this.

[MistressDeeCee]

I wonder if you are guilty of placing your own expectations on this man when it was ever clear that he wasn't available to live up to them?

You've been with him just 18 months. You have your son to raise. Sorry but I don't think this man is ready for the responsibilities you've decided you expect of him at this moment in time. It just sounds very intense.

Perhaps Im old fashioned but 18 months is too soon to be thinking of anybody being your live-in partner and by default, a father to your child. He's said he would like to be a father in 5 years or so. You seem to want it all now, and have been thinking this way for some time. You're not grounded with a 3 year old, are you? Well perhaps for evenings/nights out etc but that happens to us all for a time, its part of being a mum as you know. You just live it.

Not good that he can't really be around when you are ill. Bit of a red flag. But I feel you are rushing, when right now it could be about getting on with raising and enjoying your DC. Of course its fine to have a partner alongside..but the all or nothing thing makes it sound as if you are looking for a substitute father for your DC/help with your DC.

If thats what you are seeking then this man isn't the one - at least not for now. Deep down you know what your heart wants. & if this man can't provide it, then let him go. Better that than 2nd guess yourself into resentment.

[HayDayQueen]

Of course he's lovely! Life's just bloody lovely for him, isn't it? What's there for him to be stressed about, what is there for him to be sad about, what is there for him to get upset about?

• He lives with his mum, and has his meals made, washing and ironing done.

• He has a girlfriend that tolerates his fuckwittery, and if she ever gets arsey he just has to make some wonderful wounding promises that he never actually needs to get around doing.

• He plays sports as much as he wants.

• He sees his mates whenever he wants.

• He can crash at his girlfriends whenever he wants because she'll cook for him when he's there.

-He never has to take his girlfriend out anywhere, so he uses that time as his relaxing time.

• He gets to feel REALLY good about himself because he plays with a child for a few minutes when he's there.

• He gets to spend his money on frivolous 'him' stuff because his mum and his girlfriend let him get away with being selfish.

Really, why on earth SHOULDN'T he be lovely?!

[LuckyLannister]

I don't want it to all happen that fast. Those were his suggestions. I'd rather live here as long as I can as it's very secure whereas private renting is a minefield.

He got quite intense after about 10 months and that's when he started saying a lot of the things about us moving in, him seeing DS as his own (when I've never pushed a reltationship between them really). That is what I find most confusing. He's the super-keen one when it comes to (talking about) the future yet his actions don't match up at all

I am just living with it. In terms of being a mum. Have been since the start. I chose to have DS knowing I may always be a single parent. It doesn't scare me at all. When I say all or nothing I mean that he can't just say one thing then do the other. He has to state his intentions and mean it, not just pay lip service/sweet nothings.

My main concern is that I'm waiting for something that will never happen. Not now and not in 5 years etc.

[LuckyLannister]

Fair point!

That's where most of the resentment comes from. I think he's just having his cake and eating it really. I wish I hadn't listened to him when we broke up really as I had a lovely break with DS and was happier, if a little sad at the loss of what I'd imagined it might be like etc (but he would not give me any space...in the future I'd be changing my number).

[LuckyLannister]

This is the kind of thread I usually read and end up shouting at the computer over!

"FFS why is she just hanging around..."

[Goodadvice1980]

OP, I have to ask ....

Why did his last gf break up with him??

[LuckyLannister]

He is supposedly coming over tomorrow so think I will chat with him then. He'll definitely go on about how I've let him think we're ok etc but that's just getting old. You're allowed to think about things first ffs

He'd no doubt be much more annoyed if I just said 'you're pissing me off, can you please leave me in peace to be ill you selfish twat' on Sunday, because that's what I'd have said if I was well and not thinking before speaking...

[LuckyLannister]

His last gf (like the one before her) was someone he met in the pub. She was flakey herself (we have mutual friends so I believe that) and they just went out drinking everynight, but would often do a dissapearing act. I also heard she got pissed off that he aked her for lifts a lot but he doesn't actually know that (I don't think).

[MistressDeeCee]

Words are wind, as they say. You have to open your eyes and look at a person's actions, that will tell you who they are and whether the 2 of you are on the same page, at the same time. You have no choice over his actions, reactions; but you do have a choice as to how you react to him, which direction you want to take. Do you really feel you are just hanging around? Or do you want to date him longer and see where it goes? Does it have to be full commitment in the way YOU want, right now? Only you know. Yes, you could be waiting for something that will never happen. Ive been there before - life's a bitch like that sometimes! But alas, we none of us have a crystal ball. So you may as well deal with the present. Bloody difficult trying to decide what to do in certain situations...

[Goodadvice1980]

Right, so he has form for being a bit of a cock lodger then??

OP, I really think you and your ds deserve better!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Sounds like he could be a freeloader cocklodger if he moves in with you. You can see it now so run don't let him move in with you. So if he dies nit want to live by himself, paying his own rent mortgage and bills, shopping for himself, except some cooking that is very telling. He wants to FREELOAD off you! You have been warned!

[LuckyLannister]

It has been difficult. He'd swear blind he's not a 'cocklodger' but again, he kind of is. His mum is old fashioned/super-maternal etc and I've been a sucker (though I don't cook for him half as much since our chat or do much else like that as it was making me feel like his mother).

My gut feeling is that I know I wouldn't have accepted this if this was how the relationship started, so why should I now IYSWIM?