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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay?

531 replies

AtSea1979 · 04/06/2014 22:17

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/06/2014 22:19

YABU.

I wouldnt expect anyone to pay for me on a night out.

Tight would be expecting you to pay all. Oh.....hang on a minute..... Grin

FloozeyLoozey · 04/06/2014 22:20

Completely unreasonable. Never occurs to me that a man would pay it all on a date.

Fairylea · 04/06/2014 22:20

I would say if he doesn't have children himself I bet he didn't even think about the cost of the babysitter. A bit like those who don't drive hardly ever (in my experience) offer petrol money if given a lift of a substantial distance!

I don't think paying half in itself is an issue.

WooWooOwl · 04/06/2014 22:20

YANBU, I'd feel the same.

Wrong it may be, what with equality and feminism and all that, but I know I wouldn't want to date a guy long term if he didn't want to pay in full for the first date, regardless of whether I'd paid a babysitter or not.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2014 22:21

Well I think you need to take the babysitting money out of the equation completely. After all, if he had to drive 40 miles to get to the restaurant, would you factor in his petrol or taxi fare?

So just going on the restaurant alone, I think it's fair enough to go halves at this stage.

He might have thought you'd feel insulted if he paid it all himself.

StrawberryCheese · 04/06/2014 22:21

I don't see why the guy should pay for everything. Yabu.

MrsBungle · 04/06/2014 22:21

Yabu. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for me. Baby sitting fees aren't his responsibility.

PassTheCakeitsbeenatough1 · 04/06/2014 22:21

YABU, I think he's trying to be respectful. Some people would perceive paying for everything straight off as a controlling and flashy thing to do. I suppose it was a sign of manners years ago but things have changed.

I'd take it as respectful, give him a chance :)

caruthers · 04/06/2014 22:22

Anyone expecting someone else that they have just met to pay for their food isn't a terribly nice person.

Entitled much?

financialwizard · 04/06/2014 22:22

That's all very well, but who is to know the guys financial position at this stage. Dating is expensive!

Bearbehind · 04/06/2014 22:23

Totally unreasonable.

What it costs you to attend the date isn't his problem.

Why should he stump up for the full cost of the meal?

mswibble · 04/06/2014 22:24

I dont think he is being tight to be honest. Maybe he is used to women wanting to split and assumed you would expect the same?

Ive not dated in a long time but OH told me that one of the things he admired about our first dates is that I always stood my round and insisted on splitting. I dont think he fully paid for a date until the 4th or 5th and that was because he booked a gorgeous meal for us.

BrokenToeOuch · 04/06/2014 22:24

I can't understand what your issue is. You can't honestly be put out that because you've paid for 2 nights of childcare for your own dc (that he has never met?) so you feel like you shouldn't have to pay for dinner aswell? On a second date?
I don't get it!! Confused

ilovesooty · 04/06/2014 22:25

I wouldn't have expected him to pay either.

MagpieMama · 04/06/2014 22:25

I wonder if he's offended that you didn't offer to pay?

McFox · 04/06/2014 22:25

Why on earth should he pay?! It pisses me off when women want equality but don't want to be treated as equals when it suits them financially.

It's not about him being tight is it, it's because you spent more on him due to your babysitter - which is your responsibility!

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 04/06/2014 22:26

Actually if he did have to drive a long way, I actually would factor that in to the cost. I often do when meeting with friends who have travelled quite far.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/06/2014 22:28

Why on earth should he pay?! It pisses me off when women want equality but don't want to be treated as equals when it suits them financially.

I agree

Bearbehind · 04/06/2014 22:28

Bloody hell OP, why don't you create a spreadsheet and work out what it's cost you both to attend the date and then split the bill accordingly Hmm

mumeeee · 04/06/2014 22:28

YABU I wouldn't have expected him to pay. He probably didn't even think about your babysitting costs.

WooWooOwl · 04/06/2014 22:29

He asked her out for dinner! It was his invitation so he should pay. They are dating, they're not mates.

If he did to want to pay for dinner he could have asked if she wanted to meet for lunch, which is usually cheaper, or offered to cook or get a takeaway, or just asked her for drinks again.

It's not like the OP couldn't offer to pay the next time they go out.

needaholidaynow · 04/06/2014 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2014 22:29

How does he even know that you have to pay money for a babysitter??

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/06/2014 22:29

YABU. Your childcare is not his responsibility.

emsyj · 04/06/2014 22:30

Well I wouldn't personally go out for dinner with someone unless they had invited me (I wouldn't choose to ask a man on a date) so if he had invited me, I would think he would be keen to impress and would pay. Now that I am married we have a joint bank account and we both pay all our money into it and it's totally what's mine is yours - but when we were dating, I'm afraid I did expect DH to pay most of the time.

Your babysitting costs are yours though - I would think it was a bit weird if a man I was dating offered/wanted/even thought about these costs.