To expect him to pay?

[AtSea1979]

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

very sexist. would always expect to split the bill..from the start

[Darkandstormynight]

I'm old fashioned (ok old too) but when I dated (17 years ago) if the bloke asked me I assumed he would pay and most did without a thought. I don't think he'd think about the child care at all, they are not related IMO.

I dated two very cheap men and I must say it was very brief. I had a feeling though they were fed up with dating and were tired of putting the money out and not for financial hardship.

I don't have a problem with it if it is stated right from the beginning, but don't let me think all evening you've got it then ask me to pay when the bill comes. I actually ended up telling one of them that and he thanked me for being honest. I'm all for a frugal guy, cheap people of both sexes irritate me.

[AElfgifu]

YABU

[FrontForward]

I do think its unreasonable to always expect a man to pay. I can however appreciate your thinking OP

This thread and another on MN makes me think dating is really stacked against women. Dads can leave the family home and date immediately without any consideration of childcare, childcare costs or worry about the impact on the DC.

According to MN law, women must go several years between relationships and then take 1 yr before even mentioning a new partner to DC. They must pay babysitting on their one date a week and then introduce new chap slowly

I'm all for putting the DC first but we are moving to a society where single mothers will always be single mothers.

[mimishimmi]

Couldn't you agree to go on a date with him whilst the children are at your ex's? Then you don't have to pay any babysitting.

[Ibizatime]

Easy solution...

Next time he asks you say this

' Sorry I can't afford to right now '

And then see what he says. A nice bloke will pay if he likes you.

[treaclesoda]

I had no idea that women expected men to pay for them these days, I thought that was something from generations ago. When we first met, dh and I were skint so there was zero possibility of him being able to afford to pay for me if we went somewhere. But he's far from being tight. I distrust grand gestures anyway, I'd be very suspicious of a man who insisted on paying when I barely know him, I'd be worried about him being controlling.

[Ardiente]

There might be many reasons why he didn't offer to pay (tightness, fed up with paying, fear to offend), however if it looks like you will be seeing more of each other, he could have offered to treat you (and you would offer to treat following time?) This would be a more classy approach than Dutch style. Maybe OP you can initiate that if you really want to get to the bottom of this? I wouldn't want to date a tight guy (and I don't care about equality claims) because it often denotes a selfish personality. And when women are being routinely paid less than their male counterparts, I don't think men offering to pay for the odd meal is such a hardship.

[Hurr1cane]

Me and DP always treat each other. So one day I'll pay, one day he will. It evens out in the end but it's just the same as going halves really.

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

It does seem as if men can't win in these situations

[everythingtakesages]

I absolutely agree that not wanting to go halves does not constitute not wanting to pay your way, in an ongoing relationship. When I met DH he took me to lovely restaurants (not any more buy hey) and always paid, but whenever we were somewhere less expensive I would insist on paying.

Equality doesn't have to strip all the charm and style from our life.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

So we have a range of issues from being tight (splitting the bill, not going to a fancy enough restaurant), to paying for all and being controlling and demanding sex.

Its a mine field.

[TheCrimsonQueen]

YANBU I have two boys and I would expect them to offer to pay on a first date.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Saying that the man should pay for the first date and the woman the second assumes that there will be a second date.

A friend of mine is quite proud of the fact that she is a "serial first dater" and uses dating to get free meals. (she is also gets very shirty if the restaurant they go to is not up to her standard).

[everythingtakesages]

I think internet dating has put a new perspective on things because a first internet date is very casual. I suppose the sort of guy who sets up about 5 internet dates a week would end up a bit of out pocket, although I don't have much sympathy.

[Legionofboom]

Easy solution...Next time he asks you say this 'Sorry I can't afford to right now 'And then see what he says. A nice bloke will pay if he likes you.

Always assuming he can afford to do that. Being able to afford to pay for dinner and being a 'nice bloke' are not mutually exclusive.

[MissPennySweet]

I'm on the fence. I'd usually offer/insist on paying half unless it was somewhere very expensive a man/woman had taken me.

I think it's sweet when a man offers to pay especially if we're dating but I always make sure I contribute my share in other ways.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I earn twice what my DH earns. If he'd had to pay for all our dates I doubt we'd be married now. I suppose your method will work if you want to find a rich man but rich men and nice men aren't always the same.

[magpiegin]

It wouldn't have even crossed my mind to
expect him to pay, didn't think that was still happening in this day and age!

OP- why are the babysitting costs relevent? Should he offer to pay those too?

[kungfupannda]

If you expect a man to pay, or think less of him if he doesn't offer, then you are putting a caveat on the absolute equality that we all have a right to expect, and which we still don't always get.

There are no two ways about it - either men and women are equal, in terms of financial responsibility, personal freedoms and social interactions, or they aren't.

If they are equal, then there is absolutely no justification for thinking less of someone for paying slightly more than their share, just because they happen to be in possession of a penis, and such thinking is a hangover from a time when men were expected to pay for the little woman at all times, because there was an assumption that he would be both better off, and in control of the dating arrangements.

If you want the caveat, then you're perpetuating the idea that women are somehow socially inferior, needing to be pampered and looked after. Children don't worry about how the bill gets paid. Grown women should at least be there, with money to hand, assuming they'll contribute equally, not sloping off, and coming back to act all coy about the fact that the bill's mysteriously been settled.

Maybe this man is sitting at home, thinking 'I'm a bit put out that she didn't offer to pay - what a tightwad." I suspect not, somehow.

[kungfupannda]

NoArmani - I posted before reading your comment about rich men/nice men.

I think this whole men paying thing is a hangover from the days when women were expected to find a provider.

If a young woman had gone out with a man back in the 50s, and come home and told her father that he'd made her pay half, she'd probably have been advised not to see him again. Or her father would have had 'a word' and all the neighbours would be told about the tightarse who expected his date to contribute.

[CumberCookie]

YABU

[Writerwannabe83]

I went on a date once and the guy said he couldn't afford to go halves. So even though he'd asked me on the date I ended up paying for 75% of the cost. I can't believe he turned up knowing he wouldn't even be able to split the bill fairly

However, I agreed to see him again and he said he wanted to take me to the local zoo as I'd previously said I'd never been and would like to. It was one of those where you pay at he entrance and when we got there he brazenly asked me for my Debit Card

Maybe he thought that because he had driven us there it was only fair I should pay the £40 entrance fees

There wasn't a third date!!

[DontPutMeDownForCardio]

I think less of people who expect a free lunch from someone they just met. Reading this thread is like feminism never happened.

The people who try and dodge out of paying their own way are the tight arses not the unfortunate souls they are out to dinner with.

[ilovesooty]

Well said kungfupanda