To expect him to pay?

[AtSea1979]

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

[emsyj]

Do you have separate accounts then NoArmani?

[Billygoats]

YABU . Their your children, your responsibility.

Tbh if he knew you were annoyed about him expecting you to pay then he probably wouldn't want to date you either. I'm not a feminist but I still believe in splitting the bill, it's just manners.

[IneedAwittierNickname]

The last date I went on was in the daytime as the dc were at school. We got to the pub and found a table. He asked what I wanted to drink and went to the bar. When he came back he told me how much my drink had cost and held out his hand! Not long after his lunch was brought to the table and he said "oh I didn't know.if you wanted to eat but I was hungry"
It wasn't that I expected him to pay, but the whole thing was just weird.
Needless to say I didn't see him again!

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Do you have separate accounts then NoArmani?

We did on our first date

[EssexMummy123]

Because if he's a nice guy then he would offer to pay for all of the meal and the tip - fair enough he might not grasp about the babysitter expense.

[basgetti]

In my dating days I was asked out by a man, who said he was going to take me out to dinner. He took me to quite an expensive restaurant that he liked, I had never heard of it and it wasn't somewhere I could really afford as a lone parent at the time. When the bill came he divided it in half. Rightly or wrongly it pissed me off and I didn't see him again. I'm not grabby and I believe in equality but he made a big deal of 'taking me out' and chose somewhere expensive so in those circumstances I think he should have paid.

[emsyj]

But you said in your comment that you still split the bill, that's what I was referring to.

[trixymalixy]

YABU, your babysitting cost is nothing to do with him. And how sexist to expect him to pay?!

[KatieKaye]

I don't see what your babysitting fees have to do with paying for the meal. It's totally separate from the meal and absolutely nothing to do with this man. How is he suppose to know you are paying a babysitter and your mum isn't popping around? And what does it have to do with him anyway? If you got the bus to the restaurant and he got a taxi, should that be accounted for too?

Maybe you need to make it clear to him what your expectations are, right from the start:
Your childcare expenses to be offset against the costs of the meal
Automatic offer (on his part) to pay whole bill, with immediate "no, let's go halves" from you.

And then let him decide if that second date sounds so tempting.

[Sassyb0703]

I think for me, the issue here is that he INVITED you ! Basic good manners dictate that he should then pay. If he has called after first date and suggested 'getting together again' or some other such non specific request and you then jointly decided to go to dinner then completely different scenario, but to call someone up, (of either sex) and actually INVITE them to dinner and then not insist on paying is IMHO the height of poor manners. ! (wouldn't expect him to give childcare a thought though )

[EssexMummy123]

And i would far rather date a nice guy than any other kind - and this has no implications on my position on equality, there's nothing wrong with being nice occasionally people.

[CraicWhore]

I agree that it is acting a bit 'tight'.
The way I am looking at is without the cost of the babysitter, because that's your expense and I think you do know that and it doesn't matter if you are on a date with a man or someone of the same sex, it's nice for the other person to at least offer even if you don't take them up on that offer.
I can not stand tight fistedness in partners or friends. If they are skint fair enough, we'll do something for free.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

But you said in your comment that you still split the bill, that's what I was referring to

I said that because people were suggesting that the person who asks is the person who pays. I asked but we still split it.

[Littledidsheknow]

This getting the virtual calculator out business is most unromantic; they are not buddies, but dating. It's not a gender thing: either or both datees could or should have offered to pay in full.
My DH used to say, 'nah it's OK, you pay next time if you want' - keeps it fair without being petty if you take turns.
OP, your new beau may not realise that it is expensive for you to go dates because of childcare costs. Perhaps mention it in passing and suggest that the pair of you do something a little cheaper together.

[Corygal]

All this 'women want equality so they should pay' is rot a lot of the time - women still get paid a third less than men. Still think they should pay half? Agreeing to that makes you as much a misogynist as the next chauvinist. Give me equal pay and then I'll sort the bill, thanks very much.

OP - regardless of the sexual politics, I think men who don't pay for anyone except themselves are mean: I would think that of anyone, male or female. I don't like mean people much, and I suspect you don't.

[emsyj]

Oh, I see. I thought perhaps that you just had a fundamentally different approach to your financial relationship and liked to keep things separate.

[LUKYMUM]

Yanbu. I can't explain it, but I think you're being picked on a bit.
Single parenting and going out in the evenings is tough.

[McFox]

I can't believe some of what I'm reading here tonight. Since when is it acceptable to run off to the toilet when the bill is coming and just expect it to be paid?! How bloody rude!

[Billygoats]

If he was 'coppering' up he would have paid £27.50 surely but he's actually paid more. You sound blooming rude to me.

[WorraLiberty]

Corygal going by your line of thinking, earnings would have to be discussed and wage slips produced before agreeing to a date

[WorraLiberty]

I know McFox that actually did shock me...as did the guy Fairylea went on a date with.

Both completely awful things to do.

[caruthers]

If a man doesn't pay for his dates food then he's a sexist?

I've entered the twilight zone or the dates from hell thread by mistake

[KatieKaye]

While it is true that average wages show a gender discrepancy, you can't assume that all women earn less than men (I earned substantially more than my XH), far less assume OP earns less than this particular man. He might also have other expenses associated with the evening - e.g. might be carer for elderly relative and had to employ someone to care for them that evening. The point is that we don't know because we haven't been told.

We do know that OP seems to feel her childcare expenses are in some way relevant to paying for the meal, which is rather strange. She needs to make it clear to this man what her financial expectations are with regard to paying for meals etc when in his company.

[Billygoats]

So if OP had been the one to Instigate the evening then would you have expected her to pay in full? After all she did have her childcare costs to consider?

Some of you are being so ridiculous. She ate the food , she pays for it.

Maybe when he's been on a few more dates with you OP he might foot the entire bill but he might have been footing the bill for a long time and never met the right woman, it probably gets expensive.

[TheTerribleBaroness]

I wouldn't want a man to pay on a first date. I wouldn't want him to think they he'd 'bought' me and expect sex.