To expect him to pay?

[AtSea1979]

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

[expatinscotland]

YABU. If you can't afford a sitter, you need to arrange to do something else or not date.

[TheAmazingChandler]

YABU. You split the cost of the actual date, not the cost of getting there.

[WorraLiberty]

And also, maybe he doesn't play games?

Maybe if you hadn't have got your purse out to pretend you wanted to pay your half, he might have paid it all?

[nauticant]

I can foresee many men being taken aback when presented with a bill for half the hairdo cost of their dining partners.

[Howstricks]

It's all a bit unromantic. Draw a line and next date suggest something a bit cheaper..or coffee when kids at school (unless they're too young)..Orange weds cinema...drink and a walk...and explain that babysitters are eating away at your funds, so you'd very much enjoy getting to know him over a sandwich! If he is tight, time will tell!

[AtSea1979]

Like I said I would have insisted on paying anyway (not pretending) but was surprised he didn't offer. Then again I'm not usually one for splitting bills, I usually just pay the lot and tell whoever I'm with they can get the next one. On this occassion I didn't because of the babysitter costs.

[CuChullain]

"Wrong it may be, what with equality and feminism and all that, but I know I wouldn't want to date a guy long term if he didn't want to pay in full for the first date"

Wow, just wow.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh I don't know now OP, you've confused me a bit.

You didn't want him to pay it all, you just wanted him to offer to pay it all, even though you're adamant that you wanted to pay your own half?

Jeez if dating is this confusing, I'm glad I'm well out of that scene!

[Bearbehind]

I usually just pay the lot and tell whoever I'm with they can get the next one.

Who's to say there will be a next one.

Maybe he didn't offer to pay as he has no intention of seeing you again and wanted to limit his losses?

[mommy2ash]

i always pay my own way but i think its sort of expected that the man at least offers to pay on a first date at least. i would still insist on paying half but once or twice the other person was really insistent.

i have to admit i was a bit taken aback when i went on my first day with my last ex. we went to the cinema and were in line chatting, we were next and in my head already i was splitting the bill but when the girl shouted next and he said oh do you want to go first i thought i can't believe he is letting me go buy my own ticket. i was kind of surprised at how it bothered me so i went up to the counter and loudly ordered two tickets lol. we still laugh about i paid for our first date now.

to be fair we took turns at paying after that and it seemed fair that way.

[Vinomcstephens]

Jesus.... Words are actually failing me, and that doesn't happen often...

Ok, you think this man is "tight" because he didn't pay for you on your second date?

So we women demand equality in all circumstances EXCEPT for when it comes to getting a free dinner? Is that how it works? "I will be the equal of men at all times apart from meals I which case I expect you to get your wallet out and pay for me or I will judge you to be a fucking tightwad"? Is that REALLY how it works?

[queenofthepirates]

I'm with the OP, I would definitely expect a man to pay for dinner and I think it's cheap if he doesn't. It's basic good manners.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

YABU. We can't just pick the bits of equality that benefit us.

[Bearbehind]

I can't believe that with women demanding equal rights etc, a woman would actually feel aggrieved that he didn't offer to pay even when you had no intention of accepting.

The poor bugger couldn't win.

[mrscynical]

I'm probably a bit older than most here but have to say that if a guy (who is in full time employment) does not pay then I don't go on a second date with him.

For years I went dutch, dated a couple of unemployed guys where I paid for most things and then one day I thought 'no more'.

After the meal, just before coffee arrives I usually slip off to powder my nose and 99% of the time the bill has already been sorted out by the time I return to my seat.

I still buy drinks and have bought tickets for events so it's not like one way traffic.

It's tough for single mums who, in the main, are likely to have less disposable income than the average working man so I really don't think it's totally unreasonable for a guy to pay for a meal now and again. On a first date you should always go for a coffee/drink and split the bill (unless he insists) and hopefully if you are both interested in each other by the time you go for the first meal together then he should pay. That's my rule anyway but I know many will disagree.

[revealall]

Mmm I would say YANBU.
If I ask my friend to (cheap)?dinner for my own reasons ( need their advice, celebration etc) then I always say I'll pay and we'd split drinks perhaps. That's because I invited them, expected them to turn up and don't know if they actually had the money at the time to come out.
I would expect the same if a man asked me out really. He trying to impress me.

[Vinomcstephens]

Why on earth is it cheap if the man doesn't pay? If it's good manners for one of the dating pair to pay, why shouldn't it be the woman?

I actually cannot believe what I am seeing being written here this evening.

[WorraLiberty]

After the meal, just before coffee arrives I usually slip off to powder my nose and 99% of the time the bill has already been sorted out by the time I return to my seat.

So you rush off to the toilet to avoid paying for what you've eaten and drank?

Blimey, that's some brass neck!

[HygieneFreak]

Im with you op

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I asked my husband out on our first date. We still split the bill. I've never heard of the idea that the person who asks is the one who pays

[AtSea1979]

He wantd to arrange the next date tonight so I'm pretty sure there will be one, in fact he's already text. I always pay my way but still find the whole splitting thing petty. Maybe I should have paid it all then he's have got the message for next time and not mess around coppering up!

[Bearbehind]

It doesn't really sound like he asked her out as such, more instigated their next meeting.

If there's a financial penalty associated with doing that, he'll probably not bother again.

[WorraLiberty]

Some of these posts remind me of one of the Mums at my DC's school.

She expects her DH to do 50% of the childcare/shopping/housework/laundry etc...

Yet when it comes to mowing the lawn, emptying the bins or doing any sort of DIY...apparently that's her DH's job and she won't be convinced otherwise

[WorraLiberty]

How is him throwing £30 down, 'coppering up'?

Did he pay it in 1 and 2 pence coins?

[Fairylea]

Well at least he's splitting....

I saw a man for a while who would always somehow manage to engineer it so that I paid for everything. For example if we were in the queue in Costa he would make sure he went off and grabbed a table and whatever and I was left there paying... All the time.

The only time he ever paid for anything was when we went to McDonald's (!) drive through on a day out and he said "I'll get this as I don't want to be faffing about with cards at the check out".

And then.... He was dumped.