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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay?

531 replies

AtSea1979 · 04/06/2014 22:17

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

OP posts:
mrscynical · 04/06/2014 23:19

McFox - it is not rude and I am not 'expecting' or 'running'. It is just my way of testing if the guy is acceptable to me as potential relationship material. Nothing wrong with that. We all have our dealbreakers. The men I have dated more recently are relatively high earners, have invited me for lunch/dinner so I really don't see what the problem is.

Believe me, I've paid for plenty of guys over the years in one way or another!

likklemum · 04/06/2014 23:20

YANBU. If financial support and security are important to you then he has made it clear you won't find it there. I can see bickering over who pays for what in the not too distant future. Like you, I would have insisted on paying half, but it would have been nice for him to think you were worth shelling out thirty quid on. Keep searching for someone who shows you he can treat you every so often.

emsyj · 04/06/2014 23:25

"I wouldn't want a man to pay on a first date. I wouldn't want him to think they he'd 'bought' me and expect sex."

Wow, that would be quite a leap?? Shock Shock Shock Have you been on a date where the person has suggested that they expect sex having paid for dinner?

AuntieStella · 04/06/2014 23:26

If he was actually itemising the cost of each thing each of you consumed and presenting a fully worked share (with tip and cover charge split in proportion to share), then you might have a problem unless you like obsessive level of detail (or are also an accountant).

But he did a rough split, rounded up so h was paying slightly more. Sounds fine to me.

It's always nice if someone else pays (not just new date), but I'd always offer to split.

caruthers · 04/06/2014 23:27

If I got wind that all my date was thinking was that financial support was what she was after...

I'd be washing my hands at the end of the meal and try to squeezing out of the toilet window.

gamerchick · 04/06/2014 23:27

On a first date I would expect to get the rounds in as my turn.

If he then asks me out for a meal I wouldn't expect to pay, he asked me out! If a dude can't even treat me right at the start I would see long days ahead paying half of everything.

No thankyou.

Billygoats · 04/06/2014 23:28

It's a first date! Why should he be comitting to financial security.

I split the bill on my first date but my DH is certainly not tight, we just both put in half.

Seriously shocked at some if the responses here.

McFox · 04/06/2014 23:28

Mrscynical - believe me, that is rude. There's no point in trying to justify it as a test, it's just rude, end of.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2014 23:30

mrscynical you basically made a habit of hiding in the toilets while the men settled the dinner bill.

I'm afraid that is very rude imo

Any male or female who made a habit of doing that would go right down in my estimation.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2014 23:33

If a dude can't even treat me right at the start I would see long days ahead paying half of everything.

And what's wrong with paying for half of everything? Confused

I'm ignoring the 'dude treating you right' because I have a mental image of you clicking an 'Air Z' and exclaiming "Right on sista" whilst making pigeon head movements Grin Grin

mrscynical · 04/06/2014 23:33

Baroness - Why does a man buying you a meal make you feel that he expects sex?

Confused

I have never felt like that.

fairylightsintheloft · 04/06/2014 23:37

so is a guy not "nice" if he can't afford a £50-60 quid bill? Even in a high street chain like Zizzis or Prezzo, 3 courses and wine could easily reach that and that's a fair chunk to an average earner. Even buying rounds can be nearly a tenner now. I don;t think who invited who has anything to do with it.. an invitation to dinner if you are dating is really just saying "do you want to spend some time with me?" Especially if the decision about where to go etc is jointly decided. Maybe different if one party says "I would like to take you to X.."

gamerchick · 04/06/2014 23:37
Grin

I dunno, if I ask somebody out for a specific thing then i've always paid, if I get asked out then I expect them to pay, if it's a meet up for drinks then we take it in turns. It's always a 'no, this is on me'. If a dude put down half and gave the nod for me to put in my half it would be a huge turn off and a quick nice knowing you.

It's just always been like that.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 04/06/2014 23:40

If there is to be a third date, then I would be upfront about it and say "Can it be a swifty in a pub please, as the babysitting fees are kind of killing me at the moment?" just to make him aware that you are struggling.

I think it's nice if someone asks you somewhere specific then pays. I've done it myself, because it's nice to have a date accompany you to a restaurant you've fancied for some time.

Nothing uglier than people avoiding the bill, or arguing the toss on a romantic evening. I had a very unpleasant date with someone arguing over a Pizza Hut salad bowl!

Glitterfeet · 04/06/2014 23:41

Yabu

expatinscotland · 04/06/2014 23:41

You just broke up with a total cock and you went straight to him after yet another man and already dating again.

Sakes alive, another person who just can't be without a man.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2014 23:44

I didn't realise there was a history here.

MrsCosmopilite · 04/06/2014 23:47

I think you're being a touch unreasonable. I don't see why he should pay. If a female friend of yours asked you to meet her for a meal, would you expect her to pay because she asked you?

I appreciate the childcare adds a lot to the evening's expenses, but he may not be aware of how much it is costing you, so Wally's idea is great as it puts him in the picture.

When DH and I met and were first going out, we used to split the bill. Later in our relationship I was working and he wasn't so I'd pay. Now the roles are reversed, he pays. As and when I'm working, we'll go back to splitting the costs. And yes, we have separate bank accounts which we can spend as we wish from. We also have a joint account which pays for all the joint things.

mrscynical · 04/06/2014 23:49

Blimey, I am NOT 'hiding' in the toilets! I have finished my dessert and we have ordered coffee. I then excuse myself and go to the loo - quite often I actually want a wee anyway. On returning to the table where, hopefully, coffee has been served it is quite usual that my date has settled the bill. What the hell is wrong with that?

I haven't eaten and then done a runner.

Grin
Tinkerball · 04/06/2014 23:49

Baroness Id love to know the logic behind a man paying for a meal and expecting sex!!

BadLad · 04/06/2014 23:52

Baroness Id love to know the logic behind a man paying for a meal and expecting sex!!

It's explained in the Smells episode of Bottom, when Richie says something like "What do you mean you're lesbians? I bought you a Coke in good faith. That's 80 pence you've hoodwinked out of me."

Susyb30 · 05/06/2014 00:19

I remember there was a similar thread like this a while ago. No op, yanbu..I would feel the same. Don't care if its old fashioned or sexist he asked you out..so he should offer to pay for meal. I would have then have insisted on paying my half, but the fact I knew he wanted to treat me to dinner would definitely have made me warm to him even more (supposedly dinner has gone well!). So you've had drinks and you took it turns for rounds..he asks you out for dinner and still wants you to pay your way? He knows your a single mum..hmm. im afraid that would put me off him.
Im not saying at all that he should be expected to pay all the time but first dinner date I think he should have offered. My "tight ass" radar would be on! Iv been in situations like that before and it definitely is a turn off for me. However hate it when guys would insist on paying all the time, it gets embarrassing. Maybe im just a bit of a romantic but first dates its lovely to be treated!
There is nothing worse than a tight guy..bad fashion sense, dodgy hair etc..all fixable, you can see past that, but tightness. .nooo. not attractive. (And they won't change)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/06/2014 00:48

I am so glad I'm old and have decided I'm far to grumpy to socialise with people.

It's all so confusing reading this thread I've discovered I've unknowingly offended people.

If I called say gamerchick (if she was my friend)and said "can I take you to dinner on Friday? Is it convienant to pick you up at 8?"

I would expect to be treating her to a nice night out and making sure I drove her home.

I would have made the call because I wanted to enjoy her company and treat a friend.

Same as if I developed a crush on badlad (guessing your a chap) and made the same phone call to him.

The only difference between the two is I would flirt with badlad because that call would have been from a romantic intrest.

For years I've taken friends and dates out and nobody has ever batted an eyebrow when I've said "my treat" and paid

If badlad then called me the next week and asked to take me out I would expect that to be his treat not because I paid before but because he asked to take me out.
if gamerchick asked me I would still pay in the hope that I could get her to teach me how to play black ops

If its a genral shall we get together some time thing then that's different

BadLad · 05/06/2014 01:29

(Smooths hair, quickly uses breath spray, checks for bogeys and over-long nostril hair)

How ya doing?

Superdoddles · 05/06/2014 01:43

Call me old fashion, but if he asked you out for dinner then he pays.