to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

[misslaughalot]

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

Use a babysitter? That way you can go and DD gets a proper nights sleep?

I think YABU. It's her 60th birthday and it's a one off.

But I don't think you would BU to go, have a main course and leave early, is that an option?

YABU

It is only her 60th birthday once.

I don't think MIL is fussed about whether I go or not, it's if DD will be there. I can appreciate it's a one off, so I'm generally unsure if I'm being difficult or not, it's hard to see from the inside!

Take her for a bit then home? Or babysitter?

Can't you feed her etc, give her a bath and then put her in pjs in the car/buggy. She can then sleep in the buggy while you eat.

Or babysitter would be better - ask if the meal can be pushed back a bit and put her to bed as normal and then she won't know any different.

I think that, if she is in a good routine and sleeps well, one late night isn't going to turn her into a bad sleeper, and in general, it is helpful if your child can be flexible about their routines, so if, for example, lunch is late for some reason, or bedtime is delayed, it needn't be the end of the world.

I would go, but if your dd gets too tired and cranky, you could duck out early and take her home.

Can you put dd to sleep in a buggy? I was a bit precious with dd1 and was similar to you re sleep routine. Also, trying to juggle an overtired 18 months during a late dinner isnt my my idea of a nice evening out.

I couldn't keep DS up till 10 if I tried.

In your situation I would give him a little bath at MILs, put PJs on, give bottle in the car on the way to the pub. DS would be asleep by the time we arrived at the pub. Transfer to laid back pushchair, cover with blanket.

I know not all children would sleep in a pushchair, but you could try it.

I love how all the ones who say "it won't hurt" are never the ones who have to deal with the fall out and days of grumpy kids with upset routine!

Get a babysitter and both go.

Sorry but I think I agree with your family that it won't hurt to alter her routine once, for a special occasion.

Annunziata has a good suggestion about maybe leaving early after the mains if she shows signs of being grouchy.

I think you're being unreasonable too. As someone else said, even just stay for the main course. It would be different if it wasn't a special birthday.

Thanks everyone, I needed others who weren't involved to see it how I can't!

The great thing about a rigid routine is that you can break it once and slot back in. I'd go, really. I was neurotic about bedtimes, but you have to let it go occasionally.

Could she sleep in the pram on the way there then be parked in a corner?

It's a long shot. I'd be tempted to take your side and say no, we eat out for Sunday lunch with friends now instead so we can be home by bedtime.

Couldn't you get a babysitter so you can go and your daughter won't have her routine interrupted?

I'd get a babysitter. I'd definitely not take an 18 month old, if only because a grumpy tired toddler in a restaurant is no fun for anyone. And I'd be the one expected to sit there trying to get them off to sleep whilst everyone else eats and chats (taking from experience here). If MIL wants to see DD she can pop round some time in the day.

I would do exactly as your suggesting. Id either send dp himself and stay at home with dd, she goes to bed at 7, by 8 she would be a hysterical mess, and doesn't sleep anywhere other than her cot..
Another option is a babysitter, but if you don't think your presence is really what they are after, moreso your dc's, then I'd stay home..
Your the one who has to deal with the aftermath of a very late night, not them.... If they are going to come and look after your dc for the next few days it takes them to get back into routine then ofcourse you'd all go! ;)

I think if she has a late nap, say from 4-6pm or something she'll be absolutely fine. And there will be plenty of family members to keep her occupied, and if not, and she's really miserable, then take her home.

Don't keep her out of important family events for the sake of a decent night's sleep, that's a bit silly, really. It's once in a blue moon and building family relationships is so important, and can only happen by having shared time and shared memories.

Loads of people will come on here and tell you it's a one off and you should keep your DD up. The thing is, they aren't the ones who'll be stuck in a pub having a crap time with a distraught toddler who doesn't know why she's not in bed, feeling like the guiltiest Mum in the world because you didn't put your DDs needs first when you knew it was the right thing to do (this may be the voice of bitter experience).

It's your kid, if you don't want to keep her up then don't. Get a babysitter, or stay at home with her. Make a fuss of MIL in other ways to make her feel special.

People with no routine for their kids often see sticking to a routine as implied criticism of their choices so get funny about it, ignore them.

Teaching DCs to vary their routine, let's you have a social life, massively improves relations with friends and family and makes holidays a dream.

You can't even enjoy summer evenings (scowls at rain) if you waste the best bit bathing DCs at 6pm.

it's a one off, won't she sleep in her buggy. we've always done this for special occasions/holidays. Unless you've got a baby who won't sleep anyware but a cot YBU. even then can't you get a baby sitter.

I was like you OP and then I had DD2 and learned that really, the odd night out is good for them! THey love it and though she will be tired it will teach her a lot and give pleasure to many.x

X-posted - if they want her there, is someone prepared to take charge of her if she is overtired?
Personally, I am happy to allow my son to deviate from his routine for things like this, but we have a fairly flexible schedule so could all have a quiet day the next day. If that's not possible, then you either need to stick to your guns or treat it as training for a time when you might HAVE to keep her up, or not be home for the usual routine.

YABU

Let her have a longer afternoon nap, or an extra nap. Get her into pjs and then she can sleep in the buggy if she's tired.

Once in a while it doesn't hurt - it isn't good for family relations to be so inflexible even for milestone birthdays