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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

247 replies

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:03

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 28/05/2014 14:46

YABU. Totally pathetic. Get a babysitter. I must say this kind of nonsense really annoys me. But I was a bit guilty of it once believe it or not till I was put right by somebody.

Original poster
misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 14:47

Thanks for all the replies, such a range of opinions.

If I thought DD would cope with being up late I would take her, but previous experience tells me she won't deal with it very well and the fallout will last a few days. We are making the effort to spend time with MIL on her special birthday, it's just that we wouldn't be going out for the meal part of the evening.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2014 14:48

Can you get a babysitter and ask them to delay the dinner to 7:30?

I remember when my dad retired. We all met around my house to spend a bit of time with my DD. A woman from work offered her sevices when she heard me talking about it. I worked with her.
I took her up on her offer, so we all went out after a bit of time with DD and my, now best friend, babysat for us.
Do you have people you can call on to do this?

It would be a shame to miss it. And you can't keep missing everything because you have a child.

BookieTubules · 28/05/2014 14:48

My eyes just boggled at throwing the likelihood of MIL's death into the mix there.

The chances are that MIL will not die in the next 12 months though. And to be honest if my MIL were to drop dead, my first thought would not be that if only I'd gone to her birthday party I'd feel better. I assume you all live close enough that it's not that you've turned down your one opportunity to see her between now and death.

If you like though you could go, and then if/when she drops dead in the next year you can say, "Ah, but at least I ruined her last birthday party by bringing an overtired toddler to it."

Pagwatch · 28/05/2014 14:48

Yes. I agree with SaucyJack and others.
If a routine works that's great but if your small child's routine precludes any variation at all then I'm not sure that is a positive things. And I have a child with asd so I know a bit about children with challenging behaviours when outside routine.
We always tried to approachan invitation/event from the position of 'we are going to do this so how best to achieve the most positive outcome'. Only if our best efforts left us unable to see a way through did we decline.
Or if the truth was we just didn't want to go of course....
It always was an excellent excuse Grin

VSeth · 28/05/2014 14:49

My DD will cry if not in bed by 8pm. I would get a babysitter and go.

Mine won't sleep in push chair either.

curiousuze · 28/05/2014 14:50

LOL at 'just let her have a longer nap in the day' as if mothers of 18 month olds routinely think 'well that's a long enough nap, best wake them up!'

I don't know, OP, I don't think YABU. I would be the same. My DS is the same age and would be a miserable whinging nightmare if we tried this, and I'd spend most of the meal wrestling him as he tantrumed or walking back and forth across the restaurant annoying everyone, because he refuses to sit at a table for more than 10 minutes. Honestly at this age, restaurants are a bloody nightmare anyway, never mind if you have a kid who likes a routine and will already be grumpy.

Can't you have a birthday lunch separately with MIL so that your DD is on top form?

Ilikethemoon · 28/05/2014 14:51

Herecomesthesun, you can't just make a baby adaptable by dragging them along to things that push them beyond their limits. You can't make them adaptable by sheer force of will. They are people.
I don't so much find it strange as really upsetting that people like you think that everyone's kid is like their own, and if someone else's kid is different then that must be due to a personal failing of the parent. Grow up and realise that babies are people and are as different from each other as adults are.

Original poster
misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 14:51

Oh, totally pathetic. Right.

It's the overtired, grumpy, screaming child who won't want to let anybody in the pub eat their meal happily that I'm trying to prevent. Is that pathetic?

OP posts:
DoloresGove · 28/05/2014 14:55

I had exactly this situation on MIL's 60th a couple of years ago, and in hindsight I shouldn't have gone. I even had my own DM there to help - but DD just cried for ages and I felt like I was spoiling everyone else's night (inc everyone else's in the pub). Ended up walking her up and down in the car park to get her to sleep!

drinkingtea · 28/05/2014 15:03

Are there not constant MN threads complaining about kids in restaurants spoiling other diner's late evening meals? Selfish to take a toddler who you know will be disruptive on those threads, selfish not to take a toddler to a restaurant for an "adult" timed meal on this one.. because 60 yo MIL might die if you deny her a toddler at her evening pub meal. OP has said MIL wants toddler grandchild there, not DIL, yet the "you must socialise without children, otherwise you are pathetic and nobody will onvite you again" brigade are still insisting she get a babysitter... Hmm

toomanypasswords · 28/05/2014 15:05

I don't think you're BU. My daughter was about 20 months when it was my Dad's 70th birthday last year and I didn't take her to his evening do. She would have been up way past her bed time, which would have made her overtired and very grumpy resulting in a stressful evening for all involved in looking after her! Pretty much everyone who was there asked me where she was and why I'd not brought her but all understood my rationale. Ultimately, she'll never remember not having been taken and she had a much nicer night staying with a friend of mine and her two children. On the plus side, we had a nice relaxing evening!

fluffyraggies · 28/05/2014 15:05

LOL @ MIL dropping dead and your first and over riding emotion being regret that you missed a pub meal with her!

Seriously - keep the baby in her routine for now. Next year or the year after she'll be old enough to join in with everything without it being a pavava. And God willing every one will still be alive by then to enjoy it Wink

curiousuze · 28/05/2014 15:05

If you like though you could go, and then if/when she drops dead in the next year you can say, "Ah, but at least I ruined her last birthday party by bringing an overtired toddler to it." Grin Grin

Lemons1571 · 28/05/2014 15:08

Bookietubules is spot on. DS1 ruined my MILs birthday lunch - one of those posh quiet restaurants with hushed voices and the gentle clink of cutlery. He'd eaten all the snacks and got fed up of books even before starters turned up they took an hour to be served Ended up out in the snow, minus 3 degrees, with a crawling toddler, and subsequently trying to force down cold dinner while everyone else who had finished eating stared at me.

Never. Again.

Funnily enough ten years later children are not invited on her landmark birthday this year Smile

Linskibinski · 28/05/2014 15:10

Poor mil, who knew she would become terminally ill by the end of this thread?? I'm praying for a miracle Grin

violetlights · 28/05/2014 15:10

I'm in a very similar position (with a family wedding dinner). People don't get that he'll be a nightmare if I keep him up too long. My family would never help with looking after him so it would be me there pulling my hair out with a crying toddler....

...and no, he wouldn't sleep in a pram. Sad Still I'm going to try it. I just know I'm going to have a stressed old time.

Pagwatch · 28/05/2014 15:10

" And God willing every one will still be alive by then to enjoy it "

Grin

Although if one could die of hyperbole a few posters on here wouldn't see out the week.

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 15:10

Didn't I see upthread that you are planning to spend the afternoon with your MIL anyway? And then leave when she goes off to the restaurant? If so, then that's fine - how much more time does she need with her DGD?!

And it's her birthday, not the entire rest of the family's, so as long as you see her on the day, then give the evening a miss if it's going to be so disruptive.

MinesAPintOfTea · 28/05/2014 15:16

I wouldn't take 2yo ds to a party like thatunless I was happy to spend the whole thing walking up and down outside to calm him down/not disturb anyone else.

Mrsjayy · 28/05/2014 15:17

Bath her In the morning take pyjamas with you and if she getstired put her in the buggy its ok to be a rebel for granny s birthday

SaucyJack · 28/05/2014 15:18

I didn't think my step-mum would die of a brain tumour three weeks after Christmas, but she did. I'm very pleased we spent time with her.

You can all laugh at me, but shit does happen.

Dukketeater · 28/05/2014 15:19

If I liked her we'd go... Its not like she has school the next day she can just nap at nursery

BookieTubules · 28/05/2014 15:22

I'm sorry about your stepmother SaucyJack but you've put your finger on it there - "spent time with her". They are spending time with her on her birthday as it is.

fluffyraggies · 28/05/2014 15:23

I imagine most of us have lost someone dear to them at some point - usually without warning; my own dear dear father died suddenly while on the toilet at home.

But it's not a reason to keep kids out past their bed time if it's going to make them miserable. The OP is seeing her MIL on the day - just earlier than the meal. The last thing my dad would have wanted was to have seen any of his grand daughters crying all evening.