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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

247 replies

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:03

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 29/05/2014 14:19

I've just had a re-read of your OP.
So you're working, your DD has to be at nursery the next morning at normal time, presumably so you can get to work on time, and yet your ILs still think it's ok to trash your DD's sleep routine mid-week?

I think that they are being U, tbh. If it was the weekend I'd still say you could maybe give it a go, but mid-week when you can't make up for anything the next day, nah. Fuck it. Either get the babysitter (if you can) or send DP by himself - you've already said you'll see MIL on her birthday straight after work until they go off to the dinner, so you're still seeing her - I just don't see at all what is to be gained by dragging your DD out past her bedtime just because.

Stick to your guns, do what is right for you and your DD - your MIL is still going to see her on her birthday after all!

yellowdinosauragain · 29/05/2014 14:22

Notso I could have written your post. Ds1 was a dream and dh and I were smugly patting ourselves on the back at what a wonderful parenting job we'd done.

Along came ds2. It was like ds1 had said to him 'here are mum and dad's tricks - don't fall for it!'

Oh how we regretted being such smug judgey twats...

Some children are placid and easy and will be calm and happy whatever you do. Some need routine and familiarity or the shit hits the fan. Some parents are relaxed at winging it and embrace the chaos. Some parents find it unbelievably stressful when their children unsettled and it ruins whatever they're doing. Most of us, parents and children, are somewhere in the middle. Show a bit of compassion and understanding. Just because someone parents differently to you it doesn't mean they're wrong

Inertia · 29/05/2014 14:44

It's not PFB-itis - the occasion I'm thinking of , where we had to attend a late night family event, it was my second dc who was totally impossible to settle. Still , if only I had told her that I wasn't going to allow her to be grumpy then all our problems would have been solved.

We took the buggy by the way . She cried louder in that. We took her outside in her buggy into the sub-zero December night to give the other diners a break - she cried louder and we froze.

Bogeyface · 29/05/2014 15:04

notso

I have 6 and I wont deviate from the routine unless it is for a really good reason and we have at least a day or so afterwards for them to get over it. They never sleep in after a late night, they are just grumpy and snappy and tearful the next day, so there is no way I would do it on a weekday night.

Notso · 29/05/2014 15:15

I did say most not all only had one DC.

I think with one it is much easier to stick to a routine. I find with four although I prefer to stick to for my two youngest there are for more things that get in the way, sleepovers, events after school etc. I think that is why if something like in the OP comes up I wouldn't say no.

notaflamingclue · 29/05/2014 15:24

I find it interesting that most of the people who say they would never deviate from routine only have a PFB.

Do you notso? I find it irrelevant.

I take your point that your situation doesn't necessarily allow you to stick to a routine 100% of the time. But that doesn't meant that people who prefer to stick to routine, or those with fewer DC shouldn't.

Notso · 29/05/2014 15:32

Yes I do, that's why I said it, and I didn't say people with fewer children shouldn't stick to a routine.

Jeniwren64 · 29/05/2014 15:36

I always wonder if I am the only person in the country who takes buggies for all of my children to sleep in when we go to things like this. My children are aged 8,5 and 3, so all to big for buggies really, but for an occasion like this we would (and have) taken each child a buggy/double buggy and when they have got tired they snuggle up in the buggy and go to sleep. We would then transfer them to the car or push them home and put them to bed. We have a really good bed time routine and have done since they were babies, but they all are capable of a change to it once in a while.

beginnings · 29/05/2014 16:16

I have two and still wouldn't bring them to an evening dinner in a pub! They're too little and I don't think it's fair on them or anyone else especially me!

drinkingtea · 29/05/2014 16:26

Jen yes you sre the only one in the country, that's why half the posts on the thread tell OP to let DD sleep in a buggy despite OP having said her DD will not sleep in a buggy

Thumbwitch · 29/05/2014 16:30

drinkingtea

drinkingtea · 29/05/2014 16:32

beginnings me too and I have 3 and don't much like routine, but I also don't much like paying for restaurant food I'll eat cold with one hand, or spending evenings managing kids who get wild when tired, but obviously cannot be allowed to run around a restaurant, so have to be wrangled and told off and threatened and taken outside... the joy. Its nothing to do with being a slave to a routine.

MaryWestmacott · 29/05/2014 16:36

No Jen, lots of people do that, and generally, they don't seem to believe that not all children will sleep in a buggy in a noisy, bright room.

It's also not a PFB thing, DC1 would, DC2 now won't sleep in a buggy unless said buggy is moving. So at an event like this I could get her to sleep, if I missed the whole meal and just walked round and round and round with her, at which point you've got to question why bother going...

It's also like the "get them to sleep in the car and then transfer them" thing, again, DC1 would, DC2 is a light sleeper, transfering beyond 3months old hasn't worked, she's always woken up and then been wide awake for several hours, getting shoutier and shoutier because she's tired and can't work out tht sleep would fix that...

Ironically, she's less hard and fast on her routine as DC1, he could sleep anywhere, but would be a nightmare if you tried to get him to stay awake beyond when he wanted to sleep, and a shouty nightmare if you tried to make him wait more than 30minutes from when he was hungry. DC2 we can vary mealtimes, but generaly don't because even at 4, DC1 is still a completely pickle if he's hungry, so best to work round mealtimes for the whole family that don't involve him having to spend some time being shouted at for being naughty because he's hungry...

They've both been parented in the same way, both attempted to treat them the same, I've just realised I got lucky with DC1 that he'd sleep in the buggy, it was down to him and his ability to sleep anywhere rather than my fabulous skills at parenting.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 29/05/2014 16:42

Don't do it .

I listened to the "oh it won't hurt" crew.

Dd and I had a fucking awful time. Dd was crying, every one 'thought' that if they held her, she would stop crying. She didn't.

My friends baby would sleep in a wheel barrow- dd had to be in her cot!

MistressDeeCee · 29/05/2014 17:15

Still vaguely wondering if having an 18 month old truly means NO evening events/occasions for a mother, as bedtime routine cannot be deviated from. Ever. Or is it a case of being selective...

minipie · 29/05/2014 17:19

Mistress we go out in the evening - we get a babysitter and go out after DD is asleep - or occasionally GPs will do bedtime routine so we can go out earlier.

The issue here isn't about the mother going out in the evening - it's about the child going out.

drinkingtea · 29/05/2014 17:20

Mistress by definition you only have any given 18 month old for a month... not forever.

Personally I'm happy to keep kids up late at somebody's informal house party with other kids, or family who don't mind their antics, or outdoors... just not at an evening restarant meal. Its nothing to do with sticking to routines without exception, and everything to do with not wanting a shitty evening for all concerned especially me

m0therofdragons · 29/05/2014 17:26

I probably wouldn't have with dd1 but then dd2 and 3 are twins. We've travelled to the other side of the world and messed up their routine on a number of occasions (2 year olds dancing the night away until midnight at a good friend's wedding meant we also had a fab time... 5 year old fell asleep in buggy we'd taken for the twins to sleep in!) I'd do her routine, get her ready for bed, take her for a walk in her buggy to get her to sleep before the meal, then enjoy three meal. If she wakes, other family members can help out but she'll probably sleep and let you have a nice night. Over all, routine is important but relax!

drinkingtea · 29/05/2014 18:00

M0ther dancing at a wedding party or travelling are utterly different to having to be calm and quiet and still at an adult restaurant meal though, utterly different thing.

drinkingtea · 29/05/2014 18:03

Oh, and she doesn'T sleep in a buggy - many babies don't, not all babies/ toddlers are created equal in the sleeping-in-buggy stakes... does nobody RTFT these days?

m0therofdragons · 29/05/2014 18:22

As I said, mine didn't sleep in buggy either. Wedding unsurprisingly had a sit down meal before dancing so it is similar. Also, travelling with 19 mo twins and a 4yo, no not the same but did involve meals and a9 hour flight. I just think op has decided her dd won't cope and actually might. If she hasn't tried settling her dd in a pushchair at an evening meal how does she know it won't work?

slithytove · 30/05/2014 11:18

Honestly, this is one of those ridiculous threads full of closed minded parents who refuse to believe that any DC isn't identical to their own. Or if they aren't, it's the fault of the parents.

As I've said, DS is very flexible on mealtimes, a bit on sleep times, and will sleep in buggy. However he needs pushing in a quiet environment for that to happen. A restaurant with noise and lights is not the place and he would get overstimulated and refuse to sleep. He would last till maybe 8 IF I gave him a late nap that day. Then I would have a screaming, crying child. Nothing to do with his sodding routine.

Equally, if he saw others eating and he wasn't, again, a screaming, crying child.

Now, for all of you saying oh just give it a go - why should I with the above? What's in it for DS, or the other restaurant customers, or me?

And while we are on the topic saying I should have trained him from birth this is recent, he seems to need his sleep a lot more right now, and I have literally no idea how to stop him from getting upset when other people have food and he doesn't.

So please perfect parents, give me your wisdom, since clearly I am shit as my 14mo can't be taken to a grown up restaurant after his bedtime

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