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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

247 replies

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:03

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:

hedgetrimmer · 28/05/2014 15:26

let her have a late nap then take her

babysitter

take her and let her sleep in buggy

hedgetrimmer · 28/05/2014 15:27

kids go to bed far too early in this country.

curiousuze · 28/05/2014 15:29

OP has said MIL doesn't care about her presence, just her DGD, so what is the point in the OP going if DD will be with a babysitter/asleep in a buggy? Also OP says she won't sleep in a buggy so that won't work anyway.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 15:32

Is there a bit of needle between you and MiL OP (you say that she wouldn't be bothered about you being there)

Is that the reason you don't want to go?

thereisnoeleventeen · 28/05/2014 15:35

You're the parents so you decide IMO, then don't give a monkeys what anyone else thinks about your decision.

I've done the whole 'lets take an 18 month old to the pub because one night won't matter' before and it was a bloody nightmare, mainly for me, DH and the DC in question. I've never done it again.

FIL is due a special birthday soon, they/he are planning a daytime meal so that the grandchildren can come.

I hate it when other people and family tell me that something will be ok for my DC's just because it is something that fits in well with their plans.

Original poster

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 15:37

Not at all BitOutOfOPractice it is possible I may get a babysitter and go, but my post was about keeping DD up so that she could go.

Hedgetrimmer it's not like I force her to go to sleep at 6.45. It took us a couple of months of different bedtime routines at different times to find the one that worked best for her.

OP posts:

BB01 · 28/05/2014 15:38

I always thought people should be flexible and teach their babies to be so until I had one who would only sleep on me, not in buggy and not in a cot so can't even get babysitter. Keeping her up late at a restaurant would be highly stressful for her, me, probably the whole restaurant. I know that may not be the same as your situation but I certainty would not want to do it. However if she's never had a baby who will only sleep at home and who really needs a routine then she may struggle to understand. But, still, YANBU.

Delphiniumsblue · 28/05/2014 15:39

A simple solution-get her off to bed and get a babysitter. Problem solved.

Andcake · 28/05/2014 15:41

If MIl wants to see DGD can you say you will take her for 6 for a drink then take her home for bed a bit later. DP can be their for the rest of the evening. I have a 21 month old and even though he refuses whatever to go to sleep before 8 he would be a nightmare for a long meal in a pub as he would want to charge around everywhere!

Viviennemary · 28/05/2014 15:42

But from a different angle if you have two or three children does that mean that you can't stay out after 7.30 pm ever for the next ten or so years because of chldren's bedtimes. You must miss every family and friends celebration because you can't go out in the evening. I really honestly cannot understand this.

TheFuzz · 28/05/2014 15:44

You get baby sitters wow ! Been lucky to get one a year in my house.

We used to have this issue, family booking meals for like 9pm (not even 7pm) and we had to not go as it was way too late - 7pm would have been good !!!

As a one off, then it's OK, but I also see it's mid week ? Hmmm

I appreciate where you are coming from, at least it's not too late - maybe bail after the main course ?

Fruityflapjack · 28/05/2014 15:47

YANBU.

I wouldn't take my DD out for an evening meal. Her bed time is the same as yours. On holiday recently she stars up until about 8pm due to a late afternoon nap but she was still more than ready for bed by then.

My SIL would so the complete opposite to me and both her children go to all family events regardless of time. Her sons 5th birthday party was at 7pm due to other commitments.

It sometimes raises eyebrows when we don't go to things due to timing but as far as I'm concerned, my daughters bed time is 6-7pm. Keeping her up later is just not fair on her or anyone else.

A tired, grumpy baby in a restaurant? What fun!

I would be grumpy if I were tired and being kept up 4 hours past my normal bed time.

Get a baby sitter if that is an option. If not, you and her don't go.

paddyclampo · 28/05/2014 15:47

Going out for a meal with an 18 month old isn't the most relaxing of experiences at the best of times! If the child is overtired and cranky it will be a nightmare for the OP and other diners.

Who is it who has actually been complaining OP? Is it your MIL or your SIL?

I'm going to agree with the people who say that if the presence of very young GC is so important then the celebration should be more child friendly.

YANBU

Inertia · 28/05/2014 15:54

But VivienneMary not every celebration has to be late in the evening.

In my family now we tend to have family celebrations at a time that suits everyone, because there are many children and it's no fun for anybody to try and celebrate amongst a roomful of exhausted babies and toddlers.

slithytove · 28/05/2014 15:56

We have an extremely adaptable 14 month old - or at least, he was. He will sleep in his buggy and is relaxed about mealtimes.

However. He can't handle watching other people eat if he isn't eating (no idea why) and he won't sleep in anything (cot, buggy, car seat) if there is too much other interesting stuff going on.

So in your situation, we come 8pm ish would have a very screamy, overtired toddler. I would be happy to take him provided everyone else was happy with the I told you sos.

I've also just asked DH and he has instantly said that no way would we be able to take DS to an evening meal at a restaurant at this stage. We still take him lots of other places though, going to a wedding in a fortnight.

YANBU and I understand completely.

curiousuze · 28/05/2014 15:58

OP have you checked if the pub even allows children after 7pm? None of the pubs near me do, but don't know if that's due to licensing laws or choice.

Summerblaze · 28/05/2014 16:03

I havent RTFT but all 3 of my DC's have always had good bedtime routines. DS2 who is 2 has a similar routine to your DD which is the same routine i used for them all. Even now DS2 is in bed for 6.30, DS1 (6) for 7.00 and DD (10) for 8.00. They are all amazing sleepers.

I have not, however, stopped doing anything because of bedtime or naps. If anything, it has made my DC's better sleepers as now they are flexible and will all sleep whenever or wherever.

I know some children arent good sleepers but you say yours is so once shouldnt be a problem especially for such a special occasion.

You will come across to your family as being rather precious. Even if she is a bit grouchy or you have a bad night, isnt it worth it for your MIL

Summerblaze · 28/05/2014 16:04

And sometimes my DC are a little grumpier the next day but i just deal with it.

MrsCharlesBrandon · 28/05/2014 16:07

DD1 was so easy, she would sleep anytime, anywhere. She slept under the table at our wedding when she was 4m old!

DD2 was a nightmare to get to sleep, but once she'd dropped off there was no waking her.

DS was impossible with regard to routine. he's 4.7 now and still doesn't handle changes well. We're going to try him with a lateish night on Friday for the first time since he was 2!

YANBU. You know what your child will be like, and it is your decision. If MIL has seen what she is like after a late bedtime then i don't understand why she is asking this of you.

slithytove · 28/05/2014 16:10

Oh, and the issue with my DS is not that he is ratty the next day, he isn't he is lovely.

Doesn't change the fact that he will scream like a banshee if out in a restaurant and tired/not eating.

hamptoncourt · 28/05/2014 16:16

YANBU

Quite a few posters seem to have missed the point that it is DD rather than OP whose presence is the Big Issue for MIL, so getting a babysitter would be pointless.

I know people are mostly trying to be helpful, but suggesting you just pop DD into her buggy and go for a long walk to get her to drop off is really funny. What is it is pouring with rain? What if OP is out there for an hour walking the streets with DD? Seriously why would you bother when you are seeing MIL on her birthday anyway?

Just tell them you don't want to disrupt the meal by having DD all distressed and grumpy, so you won't be going.

I hope DH will back you OP? If not, I would suggest he takes DD on his own, and deals with any upset, and hetakes the next day off work to look after her when she is a grumpy mare, whilst you take yourself off somewhere nice

MaryWestmacott · 28/05/2014 16:17

OP - get a babysitter! Esp as you're seeing MIL in the day.

It's not like you will end up spending time with her if you take DD, because what will happen is DD will get bored first and want to walk around, so you'll have to walk round with her, while staff smile at you through gritted teeth about a toddler walking around under their feet in the evening. Then you'll get back to the table, DD will be wriggly, overtired and grumpy (plus still bored) and start shouting. To avoid shouting ruining everyone else's dinner, you'll go back to the 'walking around' thing or even go outside, followed by coming back in to wolf down your lukewarm dinner. Having not had a conversation with MIL or been part of the evening, pissed off the staff and the other diners in the restaurant.

Really, babysitter, spend time with MIL in the afternoon. Perhaps invite PIL for Sunday lunch as well so you've done another meal with DD there for her.

Itsfab · 28/05/2014 16:28

My son used to cry every bath night as I dried him as he was so desperate for milk and bed so I understand you totally, misslaughalot.

My PIL would never have asked us to do this as they knew the routine DS had and we would see them plenty in the day.

I would put it back on to the people saying one night won't hurt and ask them if they are happy to take the baby outside to try and get her to sleep while YOU eat a hot meal and then they have theirs later, plus get up in the night and have the next few days at yours while she is settled again. No? Right.

weatherall · 28/05/2014 16:34

Why don't you leave after the main course ie 8pm?

rideyourbike · 28/05/2014 16:38

Your Little girl could sleep in her buggy for one evening? We took ours to Glastonbury a couple if times and they slept in the buggy with all that going on. We bought them headphones so they didn't get disturbed by the noise

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