Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

247 replies

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:03

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 28/05/2014 13:18

YANNU - you didn't ask them to change anything to suit you, simply declined the invite AND you are going there to wish MIL a happy birthday on the say, how is that U?

Some people will answer any question about toddler fitting into adult plans by criticising any attempt to work around the toddler on principle on MN, with huge relish, but in RL MIL might want trophy grandchild on show, but nobody else wants their restaurant meal overshadowed by a grumpy over tired 18 month old up long past bedtime - including dinners not in your party.

sleepyhead · 28/05/2014 13:18

Ds2 has a routine that's similar to your DDs and tbh for something like this I'd take him. He'd probably be ok for an hour or so and we'd just leave if he started getting too grumpy.

I'd order food for DD as soon as you arrive, or take snacks, if you think there are going to be stragglers though. The hanging around at the beginning is always the worst. Ds2 can manage most things if there's some food around Grin

yellowdinosauragain · 28/05/2014 13:18

I think you could probably give it a go but then I think your family are being unreasonable to try and persuade you when you've already said no. As a previous poster said they won't be the ones who have to deal with the fallout and if mil's agenda is that she wants your dd there rather than you she'll hardly leave her alone to sleep in her pushchair will she?

If she wants your dd there the sensible thing to do would be to eat earlier or do something during the day. If this isn't possible /doesn't work for others (and lets be clear I'm NOT suggesting that everything should be rearranged for one baby) then she has to accept that her grand daughter might not be able to come.

drinkingtea · 28/05/2014 13:18

*YANBU obviously, not sure where the extra N came from.

Annunziata · 28/05/2014 13:19

It does seem quite daunting when you have them used to a routine, but in the long term you won't think 'I am so glad she got to sleep that night', you will think how glad you are that you celebrated MIL's birthday with all the family.

Bowlersarm · 28/05/2014 13:19

Pica that was a bit of a naive comment. I wouldn't say anything to anyone on here that I wouldn't have carried out in my own situation. I would definitely have taken my toddler to a grandparents party had it been really important to the grandparent, and yes I would have dealt with the fallout from the toddler the next day. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture if it's important to family.

Original poster
misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:19

She won't sleep in her buggy, I'm sure. We tried this when DP and I went out recently and MIL looked after DD. We knew we wouldn't be back until 8.30pm so the plan was for MIL to do normal bedtime routine and put her in her buggy to sleep until we got there to collect her. 8.45pm we arrived and DD was bouncing around the living room, overtired and shouty. It was 11pm before she went to sleep in her cot at home.

OP posts:
wrapsuperstar · 28/05/2014 13:20

I always have a wry (and in all honesty jealous) chuckle at those who pop up on these threads to suggest a toddler just sleeps in her buggy for such an occasion.

Probably my fault, but my toddler wouldn't dream of it. She never has, not even when she was only a couple of months old. Now as a bright, nosy 2 year old it would be genuinely impossible -- all that would happen is she would be utterly miserable until she found her bed! I am the same, I guess. I wouldn't just fall asleep in a chair because I had been kept up late and was overtired.

Hope you come to an agreeable solution OP, but I would be right with you on the 'precious' front if we were looking at a post-10pm bedtime for someone so small.

ReluctantCamper · 28/05/2014 13:20

Exactly yellow, if you want the kids there, go out for lunch!

wrapsuperstar · 28/05/2014 13:22

x-posted with the OP. Wink

slightlyconfused85 · 28/05/2014 13:22

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My 18,5 month old goes to bed just before 7 - she can stay up until about 7.30 before she has an epic meltdown and needs to be asleep. I could never keep her up until that time, and if I tried she would make the meal difficult for everyone to enjoy. I think this kind of thing is probably easier when they are 2+

My only suggestions are a) babysitter - you could put her to bed 15 mins early and still get there. b) pushchair? can she sleep in there if tired and then you can just transfer her into bed later?

NotMrsTumble · 28/05/2014 13:23

tbh, I wouldn't relish keeping ds (13.5 months) up till 10. His routine is similar to your ds, and if need be I can keep him up an extra 30 mins to an hour, easier if I've shifted his lunchtime nap later in the afternoon.

It's not really a question of whether taking her out of her routine will "break" the routine forever, but more one of whether your ds can cope with the late night.

Your suggested compromise of a visit to mil until they leave for the pub makes perfect sense in my book. If you are able to get a sitter, you could then take ds home, settle her for the evening and then join the party at the pub.

Whocansay · 28/05/2014 13:24

YANBU. My dcs would have screamed the place down at that age. They like their sleep, but were never 'sleep anywhere' babies.

I'd also be concerned about people getting tipsy and then wanting a cuddle. I wouldn't go if you paid me.

slightlyconfused85 · 28/05/2014 13:25

ps - the pushchair thing would never work for me, which is partly why I don't think YABU!

dreamingbohemian · 28/05/2014 13:25

I think family are missing the point a little bit. It's not just about skipping the routine for one night (which I agree, is not so bad) it's about whether it would actually be enjoyable for anyone to have a cranky, probably screamy toddler at the pub for dinner.

If you think you can get her to sleep in the buggy, I'd try it maybe.

It's such a short time that kids are difficult at night, I think family should try to be understanding. If the most important thing is to have everyone there, kids included, they should do a weekend lunch kind of party.

calculatorsatdawn · 28/05/2014 13:25

we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently

I don't want to be harsh if your reasons are actually genuine. However let me just offer you the example of my best friend

her DS is coming up to a year old and this summer they have been invited to a number of weddings. They have turned down all the invites on the basis that it is too difficult with a 1 year old and they don't want to break his routine. I know because we talk about it that her main reaosn for not going is that she can't really be bothered. There are some people they've had invites from that they don't really like and so have used the baby get out of jail free card for that, another one it's going to be a posh do and she doesn't want to buy anything new to wear, again baby get out of jail free card, the list goes on. Her life has now become a case of anything that she remotely doesn't fancy the baby is an excuse to not bother and it's wearing a little thin to say the least. I'm going to continue to invite them to things and do everythig I can to see them because they're my best friends and the baby is lovely but they are in real danger of finding that they've cut everyone else off if they continue to behave like this.

Again, not saying your reasons aren't genuine but if you think the thing above might sound a little familiar please know that the people you are turning down will eventually stop bothering with you if you can't be bothered with them, just because we haven't got babies doesn't mean we fell off the christmas tree we can see the baby get out of jail free card when it's being played.

NotMrsTumble · 28/05/2014 13:25

**dd, sorry!

Original poster
misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:29

I can see where you're coming from calculator but both the meals we missed were in the evening. We've been to events in the daytime no problem!

OP posts:
herecomesthesunlala · 28/05/2014 13:31

I honestly do find it quite strange that people let childrens routines control their lives - adaptable babies make adaptable adults!

BeCool · 28/05/2014 13:31

Take her, take buggy, when 18mo starts rubbing her eyes put her into buggy, cover snugly and take her for a vigorous walk. Park sleeping toddler in safe corner and enjoy the rest of your evening.

(I've done this loads - can you tell?)

Monkeymummy1 · 28/05/2014 13:32

YANBU. I wouldn't go. If it was just an hour or so past bedtime, then I'd consider it but since it actually starts after her bed time I wouldn't risk having a grumpy exhausted child screaming the place down. Would be different it if was at someones house in a more private setting. Much as I like the idea of being flexible with routine, you cannot just suddenly decide "we are bing flexible" if your child is not used to it. Your DD is unlikely to get the message!

Spherical · 28/05/2014 13:34

If you have a easy going child who will sleep anywhere or catch up with extra sleep the day after a late night, by all mean go. Of on the other hand, you have a child whomis likely to stay awake and be unhappy and bored in a pub and them overtired the next day, then I think it would be fine to stay at home with her and just see your mil as planned.

What I always find strange on these threads is the number of people who insist the small child should go to grandparents birthday, anniversary event etc. If there is a thread about someone saying their parents or parents in law did not attend their birthday meal at restaurant, loads of posters will pile in with how unreasonable and immature it is to have any expectations with regard to celebrating an adults birthday.

Linskibinski · 28/05/2014 13:37

My dsil is totally rigid when it came to bedtime routines to the extent that even now the children are in school age, we all have to fit in with her routine. So posh dinner out, table booked for 5:30pm. I've barely digested my lunch! It gives me the rage! One off events I would say deal with the fall out. But, having said that it is clear that you are trying your best to do the next best thing ie visiting early and spending time with mil so I can't see why you would be criticised. I'm sure mil just wants to know you are spending time with her and your thoughts about dc causing ructions is a sensible thought. So stuff everyone else, do what works for you and yours. Grin

possiblyprecious · 28/05/2014 13:39

No you are not being unreasonable! How rude of them to pressure you! Especially as you have work/nursery the next day.

RonSwansonsLushMoustache · 28/05/2014 13:41

I think you have to give these things a try. If it were me I would go but keep it flexible. If your daughter doesn't fall asleep in the pushchair and gets tired and cranky you can finish up and leave.

Tbh if it reaches that point the family will probably understand if you do decide to leave because by then it will be obvious why it's not always fun keeping an irritable, overtired toddler up late.