to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

[misslaughalot]

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

I do have to add that I am the crappest mum firmly in the good enough camp rather than supermum. I have also never puréed food and my dcs were put into bed most of the time around 7 ish but if we went out I did the pushing buggy dump in corner thing, it worked a treat. I am proud of my ability to breast feed but again, I only did this because I couldn't be arsed cleaning bottles. They have both survived and blossomed so being a bit crap now and again is usually pretty harmless.

Some babies and toddlers are adaptable. Some aren't. I have one of each, haven't done anything different with my parenting of either, but DD2 is the kind of child who will be disrupted for up to a fortnight if her routine gets mucked about with. And my god, she lets us know it.

Only the OP knows what kind of child she has. If she thinks she have a late night and no harm done, then fine. If not, then that's for her and her DP decide.

I wouldn't do it. Book a babysitter if she wants you both there. If she wants granddaughter there, she needs it to be a lunchtime thing. Unless you have one of these in my experience, mythical toddlers who will drop off in a buggy without having got themselves into a tantrumming breakdown of exhaustion first, then you're going to have a dreadful evening trying to entertain a bored, tired toddler - because in my experience, everyone else will want to be enjoying their meal, not helping you. Leaving half way through the meal seems like the worst of both worlds - you won't get your dinner, you'll have ruined half the evening for your toddler, your party and half the restaurant, and you'll still have a tired toddler to get up in the morning.

I also subscribe to the view that children aren't small adults, they're children. My children go to bed at a time that is suitable for their age, that allows them to get the amount of sleep that they need. I vary that if absolutely necessary, usually if it's something the lesser of two evils. I don't, however, vary it to suit the whims of adults.

If your family want to have a birthday celebration that involves small children, it should be done at an appropriate time. A dinner out is not an appropriate time. I've seen too many children at evening/night events passed out on sofas in noisy environments or looking tired and sad and being cranky because they should be at home in bed.

And I'm not one who expects the world to revolve around my DC, honestly I'm not. I wouldn't have asked any adult to celebrate DD1's birthday at 6.30am recently just cos that's when she wanted her birthday breakfast! any more than I would expect her, aged two, to stay up til 10pm for my sister's birthday dinner in a couple of weeks!

YANBU

It's 15 mins away.
Either get a babysitter or go along and if DD gets grumpy take her home.

It's not a big deal. All the angst about pressure etc is making a drama out of it. The comment upthread about MIL wanting a token grandchild is pretty harsh - especially as she didn't make the arrangements.

In the end, it's up to you. You say you've tried a later night with her before and she ended up bouncing around until 11pm - but what happened the next night? Did she go straight back to her routine? If so, then in all honesty I would say YABU and you should go. Leave earlier than you would otherwise, if you feel you have to, but go.

If, OTOH, it took days and days to get her back into a normal sleep pattern then no, don't bother, it's not worth it.

I would happily take either/both my DSs to a late event - and have done so -but then they both are/were capable of sleeping in the pushchair and still going to sleep when they get home. And their bedtimes are much later than your DD anyway (natural rhythm - if either of them went to sleep at 6:30 they'd be awake again half an hour later and then stay awake until gone 11 before they'd be tired enough to go back to sleep)

Would the answer be the same if it was your mother?

YANBU.

If your MIL is so keen to have your DD there it needs to be at a more suitable time. If everyone wants 7pm and you know your child won't cope with a late night (and the evidence from previous attempts suggest she wouldn't), then you miss it.

You're going to see MIL in the afternoon anyway- couldn't you arrange some kind of afternoon tea and call that DD's celebration with MIL? TBH a toddler asleep in a buggy in a corner all evening isn't adding anything to the party, and may as well be sleeping quietly in her own bed.

We've attempted the business of taking babies/ toddlers to evening meals and trying to get them to sleep in the buggy. They rarely, if ever , did- bt I can recall several fraught meals disturbed by my overtired children, with them not settling and me and DH taking turns to let our dinner go cold. It's not worth the hassle.

I think the suggestion that you go for the main course is a good one. That's what we do with DD, who's just a bit younger than yours. Because we are making a bit of an effort to keep her up, the rest of the family make an effort to be there on time.

The family might not all work Monday-Friday 9-5, so weekend lunches might not work.

Go, let everyone know you will be punctual, and leaving at 8 (or whatever is the latest time you can bear to be out). If people don't get there in time to see DD, their loss.

Noone can really think that a 7pm start is baby friendly, so just get a babysitter, you can get her down for 7pm, it's 15minutes away, tell them you and DH will be a little late. Sorted. If they really want DD there, tell them an evening doesn't work, as she'll be asleep or awake and screaming, but either way, an evening event won't involve a happy DGC. If your SIL doesn't have DCs or had ones that didn't have a routine, then she probably wouldn't understand this.

I don't agree that the world should revolve about DCs, but then I also agree that not all things are child-friendly, and an evening dinner is not a child friendly event.

Oh and unless SIL has booked a private room, the situation won't just be you, your DD and the family all having a crap time, there will be other people there (who may well have paid out for babysitters themselves), having their evening ruined by someone else's overtired child. It's so antisocial to take a child out in the evening when you know they'll cry because your MIL's desire to see her DGC is considered more important everyone else's desire to have a pleasant evening.

YABU. Get a sitter? It's a BIG birthday after all. Or how about putting your DC to sleep in a buggy at the place? HAd your DC never slept in a buggy or pram? One change in routine won't do any harm.

My two youngest have a pretty set bedtime routine but I would hate to be trapped in by it 365 days of the year.
We have had late nights for family events and sometimes they have been played up and it has been hard work. Usually though there's plenty of people to keep them occupied, they fall asleep on the way home and we are glad we made the effort.

or, if MIL wants to see your DD on her birthday, could you invite MIL and FIL over for a drink and giving MIL her birthday pressie at 6pm, she can see DD play in her bath, spend some time together, then you'll all travel together at 7pm once the babysitter's arrived?

BTW - does anyone actually enjoy being round a screaming family baby? Those who say "take them along" would you be happy to go to a family meal where there was a baby just crying and crying at the table all night? Or would you want to see them, then have the mum take the baby outside so you could eat in peace with out the noise? Would you think that the baby's crying was something to be suffered so you could see the couple?

Does anyone actually think an overtired, crying baby is an improvement to the evening?

because if you have the option of a sitter and a pleasant evening, why not do that and avoid doing something you know will be a shitty time for everyone? MIL might want to see DGC, but I bet in her head she'll be seeing her happy, smiling DGD who'll play and eat nicely and love having Granny cuddles, this isnt going to happen - so does she really want to spend time with her howling DGD who's obviously hating every second of the evening?

It's one night, put her in her PJ's and in her pram and she'll go to sleep!

What beginnings just said.
We have tried the fall asleep in the buggy thing enough times with DS1 to know it just doesn't work for him. He has never once fallen asleep in the buggy somewhere busy/noisy, and would always wake up if I tried to settle him somewhere quiet and bring him in asleep. We even tried it at our own wedding and what happened? I spent an hour trying to comfort a distraught, overtired 1yo and not one bloody person came to help me (DH didn't even know where I'd gone and nobody thought to tell him). Sod that for a game of soldiers, I'm not going through that again.

Flexibility doesn't work for every child. DS2 is much easier and will fit in a bit more (different natured baby altogether). You know your own child, and like beginnings said, the family wouldn't be coming round at 6.30 am to suit her DC so I don't get how they can demand you bring your DC when they'll be too busy enjoying themselves to help you when she gets upset and tired, and certainly won't deal with the fallout later.

Totally your call OP.

Do what you think is best for DD. They're not little for long - and it would be a shame to keep her up knowing full well she'll have a miserable evening. Cant see the rest of the restaurant enjoying a grizzling young child much either.

If i were a grandparent i wouldn't want my birthday arrangements to include making my grandchildren grumpy and tired.

I'm sure MIL will cope without having you and DD at the meal. You're seeing her on her b.day anyway.

Depends on the child. 2 of mine would have been fine but one would have been beside himself with tiredness.

And noone wants to be in a restaurant with an overtired toddler at 9pm.

It does not make you precious to do what works best for you and your child for a very short period of your life.

It always makes me giggle the number of people on these threads that say 'just let her sleep in the buggy'. My son would not have done that. Never. He would have been miserable, screaming, rubbing his eyes and generally making other diner's evenings a misery. If the MIL is so desperate to have a meal with an 18 month old there then have a bloody special lunch (like every reasonable adult I know would do!). YANBU.

YANBU to not want to take her out at this time. As it's just a last minute arranged pub meal for a birthday, it's not worth it.
However, if it were me, I'd get a babysitter, so both you and dh can go.

It's a shame she won't sleep in the buggy (mine would have done). I agree with the babysitter idea.

My decision would be based on whether I liked my MIL enough to put myself out.

You are going to be the one dealing with the (possibly) grumpy overtired child, so it's upto you.

I'd do it too.

I also with whoever said about looking at the bigger picture. I hate to be crass, but if your MIL drops dead of a heart attack in six months time- what are you going to be more grateful for doing? Attending her last birthday party or not keeping your DD up for an extra couple of hours?

Life is for living, and I think it's a tiny bit sad when people get so hung-up on routines and bed-times that they miss out on the important stuff.

Jesus, you are so not being unreasonable. All these people saying you are, as it is just a one off are obviously just thinking about how their babies behave. Mine would go mental with tiredness and ruin the entire meal for everyone.
Your kid, you know him, you make the call.