Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

247 replies

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:03

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/05/2014 16:43

Hampton is right- MIL doesn't care whether OP is there or not, she's only bothered about having her grandchild there. So to summarise the suggested solutions:

  • Get a babysitter. Why- MIL isn't bothered whether OP is there, she only wants her GD.
  • GD goes and is put in her buggy. She is either asleep, so no point being there as nobody can interact with her, or she's awake, and likely to be very tired and / or grumpy, or at least active to the point where either OP or her DH would spend half the night entertaining her while their dinners go cold and other diners are disturbed. She is likely to be hard to settle at night and overtired the next day.
  • They go to MIL for the afternoon and spend time together while GD is actually awake. MIL and perhaps other rellies see their arses about the OP not keeping GD up.
DrizzlyTuesday · 28/05/2014 17:27

I wouldn't be taking my 2 year old and I wouldn't have taken her at 18mo either. Once she's past her bedtime she's absolutely horrible to be around, it wouldn't be a nice evening, it would be an evening with a crying toddler who couldn't understand why she wasn't already in bed.

To those saying sleep in the buggy, I have to laugh. My DD wouldn't even sleep in the buggy as a little baby let alone as a toddler. Mine won't even sleep in the car.

Why should a toddler's bedtime be disrupted for adults?

MommyBird · 28/05/2014 17:28

YANBU.

It really grates on me when people say 'Oh just let her stay up late for one night, it won't do no harm"

It won't do no harm, for them.
But for me, it'll be me, trying to calm a toddler down whilst trying to eat, it'll me, that's up till silly o'clock with a crying, stroppy over tierd baby, it'll be me, that has to get said baby up at the normal time without her usual amount of sleep and it'll be me, that has to deal with her all day.
Not anyone else.

This is if your child is anything like mine and like me, she doesn't cope well with lack of sleep.

MistressDeeCee · 28/05/2014 17:33

For a family occasion I think YABU. Whats the worst that can happen if sleep routine is disturbed for 1 night, really? Or, why not go and leave early?

Beardlover · 28/05/2014 17:55

I think you need to put your child's needs first. Some kids manage ok with late nights, others don't.

Why can't your MIL start at 6?

lornemalvo · 28/05/2014 18:01

I wouldn't take my DD. 10 is too late. Plenty of people will say it won't hurt your DD. Plenty of people aren't prepared to give their children's needs the priority they should have.

MrsJossNaylor · 28/05/2014 18:05

YABU, and you would be even more unreasonable to ask them to eat early, as some posters have suggested.
DS is 19 months, won't sleep in his buggy and gets ratty if he stays up late. But still, we taje him out for family meals etc, because a "routine" is nowhere near as important as a special family occasion .

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 28/05/2014 18:06

Will she nap in the afternoon even if it messes up her sleep? If you think you can somehow make it so that she will cope with some of the evening then I would deal with the few days of ugliness that would follow it.

Do you have a TV in your room or one that could be moved there? If so what about a glass of warm milk and lying down and watching TV with her that afternoon and then going "for drinks and birthday kisses" and then leaving before the main meal?

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 18:13

I think babysitter is the best option. I don't think people can expect you to take an 18 mth old to a pub at 7pm if you don't want to, and I think its U of them to push you into it if you're obviously uncomfortable. Maybe just say that she gets really cranky at that time of night and would ruin it for everyone?

youwish · 28/05/2014 18:14

I would make her have an extra nap or late nap(get her in the car,or for a walk) and go.a rigid droutine doesn't benefit anyone Imo.

Lemons1571 · 28/05/2014 18:15

By not going, surely you're putting the MIL first anyway? Sparing her from a screaming toddler disrupting the whole occasion?

MIL just hasn't thought it through. Those blissful rose tinted glasses of parenting toddlers. Can your OH explain it to his family? No sugar coating, just toddler + overtired + restaurant = screaming and disruption. Sounds like they need it spelt out.

viviennemary, yes it could well be many years before rejoining evening get togethers. Depends on your baby sitting support. If you have children like mine that screamed through events requiring them to be flexible, then you've nowhere to go really. Mine would thrash against the buggy harness, sweating and screaming through over tiredness. I used to prefer to not put everybody through it. Once they get a bit older they can usually cope better.

restandpeace · 28/05/2014 18:15

Life doesnt stop when you have a baby. Get a babysitter or go and take buggy

lornemalvo · 28/05/2014 18:22

Life doesn't stop when you have a toddler but it should change. Your DC should be tucked up in bed not sitting watching a bunch of boring adultsveat. There is nothing in this for your DD other than discomfort.

heraldgerald · 28/05/2014 18:22

Yanbu. Not all kids drop off in buggies and its not always easy for a baby sitter to settle kids at that age. If g c important than I agree it needs to be more child friendly like a lunch. U wouldn't go.

heraldgerald · 28/05/2014 18:23

Sorry, I wouldn't go. Sounds stressful.

ApocalypseNowt · 28/05/2014 18:25

We went on holiday when DD1 was 18mo. She didn't sleep in the buggy in the evening once. We tried staying out several times...she was ok as long as the buggy was moving but kicked off big time if we stopped anywhere.

Maybe OP could take the buggy but jog round the table while everyone else is eating....

"Hope you're....jog jog jog ....having a nice.... jog jog jog ...birthday Maureen.... jog jog jog ....get anything...jog jog jog ...nice...ooops! shit!....jog jog jog ....who ordered the liver and onions....i've just sent a waitress flying....jog jog jog...."

FFS....OP knows her lo won't cope with the late night. If I were in the restaurant I would be really bugged if someone rocked up with a grouchy toddler. Don't do it OP!

LIZS · 28/05/2014 18:25

Are you sure your dd is expected to go ?

amicissimma · 28/05/2014 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

restandpeace · 28/05/2014 18:46

Of course baby may get a lot out of it or not... Anyway just go homes if she grouchy.

MrsJossNaylor · 28/05/2014 19:11

Exactly, Amici. If we're out for a family meal and DS gets grouchy, we take it in turns to take him round the block for a walk. And usually I don't get a turn as aunties, uncles and grandma's want to help out.

IMO it's only by taking children out and allowing them to experience different social situations that they learn how to behave in said situations.

If you have them in bed by 7pm every night, how will they ever cope with a change in routine?

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 28/05/2014 19:19

Hard one. It all depends on how your dd will be ? If she has nursery next day will they allow an extended nap to make up for her lack of sleep? Otherwise she will be very tired.

titchypumpkin · 28/05/2014 19:26

YANBU.

If it was me I wouldn't go. We've occassionally kept ours up late for special occasions (weddings, where we can take them up to the room or go for a walk etc) but a meal in a restautant? No way. Totally your call and if you DC wouldn't sleep in a pushchair then don't go. How is it a fun night out for you to have to try and keep your DC asleep or entertained if awake but tired. Unless you're desperate to go just let DH go.

As for the "get a babysitter" brigade, that always makes me laugh. We have no family nearby or close friends without small kids of their own so who exactly would babysit? A random babysitter we've never met in charge of our 18 month old? I appreciate this is a personal thing though to do with how happy you are leaving DCs with other people.

TarkaTheOtter · 28/05/2014 19:41

I cannot see how anyone will enjoy a toddler being at an evening meal for more than about five minutes.
My dcs don't really have a routine and I would happily take them out in the evening (concerts, festivals, parties/meals in houses) - but not to a pub for a sit down meal at 18m. Sounds like hell.

whois · 28/05/2014 19:53

I'm so surprised at how many people think it's easy to keep a child up past their bedtime. Apparently I was a night are because I just could not stay up - pretty much all meals out ended up with me asleep on the floor, behind mum and dad on bench seats, in a chair etc So I'd have been taken at 18 months, but no one would have got any value out of me as I'd have been happily asleep somewhere :-)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2014 19:59

It's your partner's child as well and presumably, he will need to be dealing with the aftermath of her tiredness. I get that her routine will be disrupted for a night, which may possibly have an impact for a couple of nights afterwards but she will get over it and settle into her routine again.

I noticed that you said way upthead that your MIL wouldn't notice if you weren't there. Is that part of the latent reason for wanting to make a point, OP? Yes, you are the mother but firstly, you have no more 'say' than her father and secondly, you don't 'own' the child, it's part of a bigger family and your daughter will benefit from that. If it's generally a nice relationship, don't rock the boat for something that really doesn't matter.