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Original poster

To feel awful for sending DD to her dads when she didnt want to go?

238 replies

Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:28

I feel awful.

Shes there for 6 days, she doesnt want to go, she has told me that she doesnt want to go, I know she will be fine onces shes there, and its more the thought of not being here with me.... but, well, she went off wailing.

Her dad isnt great any any kind of parenting that has any feelings, she tells me she cant talk to him, she doesnt even feel able to ask for a drink when shes with him. I have told him this lots of times, but, im the ex wife, so it never goes down well.

He picked her up from school today, DD had had a meltdown last night about not wanting to go and said hes scary and she cant talk to him. I told him, so he knew and could maybe do something to address it. Rather than getting home with her and trying to have a reassuring chat, he shouted at her in the car and told her she was silly. she was in tears when i met her at home, she was cross with me for telling him ( she told me in private, and i explained i told him so he could try and fix it)
He then had a go at me in front of her because i brought her a skateboard, or rather, i let her get one with her own money, as she has too many toys.... then he told her it was a good thing as shes not fallen off and hurt herself yet as shes too scared to do that, so maybe she will do with this. That makes Literally NO sense to me.

DD started to cry again, and i gave her a cuddle, sat with her and told her all the nice things she would do and what we could do when she came back and that i would call her tomorrow. He got all cross and said its not necessary for me to call and i was babying her and making it worse.

We got out to the car and DD whispered at me that she didnt want to go, i still made her, she got int he car and was wailing, really sobbing, and he shouted that this was all my fault.

I now feel dreadful.

Shes 8.5

did i do the right thing? i feel like ive broken her trust a bit.
Shes usually fine with weekends, but anything longer upsets her.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 23/05/2014 18:33

You know he verbally abuses her and you send her off anyway. Hmm No, you did not do the right thing.

Talk to the courts and get contact minimized if your daughter is this miserable. You don't know how else he could be mistreating her that she isn't telling you about.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 23/05/2014 18:33

So she finds him scary and when you said this to him he shouted at her, thus proving her point.

I wouldnt send my child to anyones home who scared them.

I appreciate you may not have aby other choice than to send her but if she is scared of him, id be getting to the root of "why?" rather than just saying she will be fine when she gets there.

CeliaBowen · 23/05/2014 18:36

Presumably there is a court order requiring this contact, so the OP had to send her DD.

I'd agree with PP about talking to the courts and getting the arrangement changed.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:37

Shes scared of him because hes so big, hes 6,4.

She said so when he tells her off, it feels worse. This is what she told me last night.

hes not mistreating her, hes just not sensitive to her needs in any way.

His wife will be there, when they get home, and shes very nice to DD.

Hes got lots of things planned for her, which she likes to do... hes just very strict. He is forces, he treats everyone like a soldier in training, which is not appropriate for 8 year old girls.

OP posts:
LettertoHerms · 23/05/2014 18:39

I'm really leaning toward no, this isn't the right thing.

I think you need to take it seriously that she's scared of him. You know he shouts at her when she's upset and has a go at you in front of her.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:40

there isnt a court order, no.

He couldnt really apply for one because of his job.

She wanted to go as she has horse riding tomorrow but didnt want to leave me for a week.

Its not that she doesnt want to go, shes quite happy about going for a weekend, just she doesnt like going for any longer than that, which is why she was upset today.

I guess a weekend is just a short time and its usually busy and she said she doesnt notice so much, but when its longer she misses me too much and thinks daddy is mean and doesnt listen to her.

OP posts:
WhoDaresWins · 23/05/2014 18:40

If his wife is nice, can you get her on board? Get her to explain some stuff to him?

LettertoHerms · 23/05/2014 18:44

DP is huge. He's 6'3". None of the children in his family (nephews, etc.) are remotely afraid of him. Including when he tells them off or disciplines them. A child he doesn't know may be apprehensive of him based on how big he is, but they warm up very quickly to him.

There's no reason a daughter would be afraid of her father for his size unless he is intimidating her and making her afraid.

I'm glad his wife will be there.

Joysmum · 23/05/2014 18:47

Shes scared of him because hes so big, hes 6,4

That's crap. My DH is tall too but also over 21stone and has his head shaved. Not only is my DD not scared if him, her friends all thinks he's a big softy too.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:49

Hes not abusing her.

there is no risk of him doing so, else i wouldnt send her at all.

Hes just very strict, and stubborn, and harsh.

Ill give her a cuddle and tell her its ok, where as he will tell her to man up.

Its that sort of thing, so, she feels she cant talk to him and isnt listened to.

its not something any court would do anything about, ive spoken to solicitors about it before. Apparently its just differing parenting styles.

She will be fine once she gets there, she aways is, and then will usually be too busy or too engrosed in what shes doing to talk to me, so, i dont have any worries.

Its just crap when i have to send her off crying, and she doesnt want to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:50

oh, fgs, she told me that was the reason shes scared of him, its not anything i have said.
They were the words out of her mouth last night

OP posts:
Eminorsustained · 23/05/2014 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessBabyCat · 23/05/2014 18:53

Shes scared of him because hes so big, hes 6,4.

Why would his size intimidate her unless he gave her a reason to be intimidated by it?

I had cousins and uncles all over 6 feet and I was never afraid of them. Not even when they yelled at me for getting into mischief.

I'm sure his size is part of why she finds him scary when he shouts. But if he was 5'2", she would find him just as intimidating because of how he acts.

redandchecker · 23/05/2014 18:56

She will be fine. I used to feel this way at this age about going to my grandparents because they were so strict compared to my mother.
They looked after us, and did nice things with us. They were just strict and would tell us off so I would hate going but not the end of the world.

PicandMinx · 23/05/2014 18:59

Your poor daughter. I hope she is having a good time and his wife is looking after her because he sounds like an awful bully to me. It appears she put her trust in you and you broke her confidence. I hope that you can build some bridges when she gets back.

PrincessBabyCat · 23/05/2014 18:59

?Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing'.?

Emotional Abuse

If you were both adults and felt afraid of another person, we'd all be telling you to get out. Why is it not the same for a child?

A child should never be afraid of a parent. Not ever.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 19:00

eminor - have i said about reducing contact?

no, ive said i feel bad about making her go when she doesnt want to.
if it were for a weekend, she would be fine, its the longer times that upset her.

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 23/05/2014 19:03

Is she playing you off against each other? If you could possibly talk to the wife, she would be able to reassure you. You know she will be all right once she is there, but it is awful to see your child in distress.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 19:05

cheers pick and mix.

the fact ive spoken at lenght to gingerbread and a solicitor about this who have told me it would be looked on very poorly if i stopped contact for this..
yeah, clearly means nothing.

shes not afraid of him. she just doesnt really have much of an emotional bond with him, because she feels she cant talk to him and isnt listened to.

OP posts:
hotcrosshunny · 23/05/2014 19:05

Well why not keep it to just a weekend then? Shy the need for a week visit?

Eminorsustained · 23/05/2014 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hotcrosshunny · 23/05/2014 19:05

shes not afraid of him

Er you said she was.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 19:08

shes there because hes got her the half term while im working.

I had the feb half term, we split easter and hes got her this one.

he will also have to have her 3 weeks in the summer holidays. thats in the divorce. every other weekend and half holidays as agreed with me.
there isnt a specific court order, but those are the terms set out in the divorce.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 19:11

i said she said she feels she cant talk to him, and shes scared when he shouts.

shes not scared of him the whole time.

OP posts:
Eminorsustained · 23/05/2014 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.