To feel awful for sending DD to her dads when she didnt want to go?

[Needsmorecake]

I feel awful.

Shes there for 6 days, she doesnt want to go, she has told me that she doesnt want to go, I know she will be fine onces shes there, and its more the thought of not being here with me.... but, well, she went off wailing.

Her dad isnt great any any kind of parenting that has any feelings, she tells me she cant talk to him, she doesnt even feel able to ask for a drink when shes with him. I have told him this lots of times, but, im the ex wife, so it never goes down well.

He picked her up from school today, DD had had a meltdown last night about not wanting to go and said hes scary and she cant talk to him. I told him, so he knew and could maybe do something to address it. Rather than getting home with her and trying to have a reassuring chat, he shouted at her in the car and told her she was silly. she was in tears when i met her at home, she was cross with me for telling him ( she told me in private, and i explained i told him so he could try and fix it)
He then had a go at me in front of her because i brought her a skateboard, or rather, i let her get one with her own money, as she has too many toys.... then he told her it was a good thing as shes not fallen off and hurt herself yet as shes too scared to do that, so maybe she will do with this. That makes Literally NO sense to me.

DD started to cry again, and i gave her a cuddle, sat with her and told her all the nice things she would do and what we could do when she came back and that i would call her tomorrow. He got all cross and said its not necessary for me to call and i was babying her and making it worse.

We got out to the car and DD whispered at me that she didnt want to go, i still made her, she got int he car and was wailing, really sobbing, and he shouted that this was all my fault.

I now feel dreadful.

Shes 8.5

did i do the right thing? i feel like ive broken her trust a bit.
Shes usually fine with weekends, but anything longer upsets her.

Sounds like you may have made some progress there then op! Hope you're feeling better

Most of his frustration is that he feels hes not listened too. So, he hits back at me.

He maybe hasnt got much of a softer side, so, if we were together, it would be balanced, but its not, so, its a stark contrast to how i am with DD most of the time.

Some of it is down to DD just missing me, some of it is down to her not liking being told off in a firmer way, some of it is down to her playing us off a bit ( if im being honest)

Hes going to try to be softer, i praised his idea regarding the haircuts, DD feels a bit better about it now, and we are going to talk through parenting stuff every few weeks.

Im exhausted. Its about trying to manage him, as much as it is manage DD and do the right thing by her.

Good on you for keeping a level head :)

its damn hard.

My mum said she had no idea what to do either. Its almost impossible.

I know DD loves him and is happy most of the time, i know he loves her.
Our parenting styles sometimes clash.
that causes more of an issue because we are not married and dont really have to discuss it.

Hes not great with anything emotional and very clumbsy with it all, and rather than pick his moment to talk to DD he chose the car, straight after school and then shouted. I can see he was thinking he was sorting it out, but to her, it was making it worse.

the she got upset and didnt want to go, then i got upset because she was upset and the whole thing goes awful, and then he starts having a go at me via text as he feels threatened and like shit.

urgh.

Hes never goign to change the person he is, DD is happy now she is there.
Hopefully we can try and make some inroad into improving this for him/her.

I now dont feel bad for making her go, as shes fine.

OP - I think I'm more upset by this thread the more I read. Are you saying that he was going to force DD into a haircut against both yours and her wishes? Does he not listen to anything his daughter wants?

I find this very upsetting. I know you are exhausted and it's very hard for you. But to me, as an objective reader, this only gets worse.

This man beat you up. And is emotionally abusive to your DD.

Do you have an amicable relationship with the wife? What sort of woman is she? Does she have kids?

I have lived with an abusive man and leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. The way you speak about your ex is how I used to speak about my ex. These men never ever change.

DD was going to have a haircut at the end of the week with her mum, the ex is doing it now with his wife as company. She's not being pinned down with her head shaved!

Not everything is emotional abuse either, he's just a stricter parent.

fifi but daughter didnt want to do it with her dad. She asked not to.

His parenting style is emotional abuse and control.

No she didnt.

Hes had her hair cut once, he took her to a neighbours and she hacked loads off and left it a mess.

he didnt even tell me, and just left it up to dd to tell me, she was very very upset.

DD was upset that she was put in that position.

I was furious.

Since then, hes not done hair cuts. DD has developed a bit of a phobia about having her hair cut, because she worries its going to get hacked off and look awful.

It was not good of him for so many reasons. It has been explained to him many times.

DD is now having her hair cut, because hes taking her to a salon, ive told her it will be ok and have agreed with her and him how much can come off ( she has bottom lenght hair). His wife is going to sit and have hers done at the same time to try and soothe DD over it. Hes going to send a photo after and i will speak to her.

and hopefully, it might help in the long run.

I think the OP desperately wants people to tell her there is nothing wrong, she wants to hear that everything going on is perfectly normal and ok: all children cry, all children have haircuts, all parents shout, etc, to help OP ignore the disturbing aspects of the story and just focus on the 'normal' aspects of it. OP, every horrific situation has some 'normal' bits to it and it is natural to try and focus only on those but your dd needs you to hear what she's saying without trying to 'normalize' what she's experiencing.

ive just spoken to her, shes had her hair cut, shes happy, shes in the park, playing and said she doesnt need me to call her tomorrow now as she feels much better.

:)

kawliga stop being so obtuse. If you actually bothered to read the thread without an agenda then you might see that there is no abuse and everything is completely normal

needs glad she has settled down hun!!

where I too am glad the daughter is ok today but to call this normal is bizarre. This father and his behaviour are definitely not normal! Unless beating up your partner and being emotionally cold and intimidating to your child is normal. Either I live on mars or you do!

Glad she's ok, OP

Op I am horrified at some of the treatment you have had on here. My son's father is a paratrooper (rsm) and 6'4. My son was quite frightened of his gruffness and body language (stiff) when he was smaller. My exp was northern, gruff and used to telling people what to do. He no longer had control over me or the relationship he had with his son and he didn't deal with it very well.
Ds2 is now 13 and has very little to do with him.

I totally get where you are coming from as I constantly Tried to facilitate their relationship. I am glad I don't have you any more. Don't listen to some of the hysterical posters on here. It's obvious you trying your best.