To feel awful for sending DD to her dads when she didnt want to go?

[Needsmorecake]

I feel awful.

Shes there for 6 days, she doesnt want to go, she has told me that she doesnt want to go, I know she will be fine onces shes there, and its more the thought of not being here with me.... but, well, she went off wailing.

Her dad isnt great any any kind of parenting that has any feelings, she tells me she cant talk to him, she doesnt even feel able to ask for a drink when shes with him. I have told him this lots of times, but, im the ex wife, so it never goes down well.

He picked her up from school today, DD had had a meltdown last night about not wanting to go and said hes scary and she cant talk to him. I told him, so he knew and could maybe do something to address it. Rather than getting home with her and trying to have a reassuring chat, he shouted at her in the car and told her she was silly. she was in tears when i met her at home, she was cross with me for telling him ( she told me in private, and i explained i told him so he could try and fix it)
He then had a go at me in front of her because i brought her a skateboard, or rather, i let her get one with her own money, as she has too many toys.... then he told her it was a good thing as shes not fallen off and hurt herself yet as shes too scared to do that, so maybe she will do with this. That makes Literally NO sense to me.

DD started to cry again, and i gave her a cuddle, sat with her and told her all the nice things she would do and what we could do when she came back and that i would call her tomorrow. He got all cross and said its not necessary for me to call and i was babying her and making it worse.

We got out to the car and DD whispered at me that she didnt want to go, i still made her, she got int he car and was wailing, really sobbing, and he shouted that this was all my fault.

I now feel dreadful.

Shes 8.5

did i do the right thing? i feel like ive broken her trust a bit.
Shes usually fine with weekends, but anything longer upsets her.

My dd was like this when she went to her dads, she eventually stopped going as he did nothing to help how she felt, drove like and idiot and shouted at her a lot. If my daughter was crying that much and asked so many times to go, there is no way I would let her, and I am struggling with childcare next week myself.

*to not go

eminor - no. Ive spoken to gingerbread and solicitors as there is a history of DV. I stopped contact for a week or two last year as it wasnt safe to let DD go. I spoke to them then about all these issues, how to deal with them and how to protect DD.

They dont have an emotional bond, no.
I know thats not a reason to stop contact.

I havent promised her lots of treats either. ive just told her what we have planned when shes gets back and i have some days off work, what the hell is wrong with that?

Hes got things planned with her too.. he has told her about them.

what the hell has got your goat?

There's a history of DV? And she's told you she's scared

of DV towards me. nothing towards her, ever.

and again, ive been told time and time again, there is nothing i can do about it.

Shes scared when he shouts because he is too tall. those were her words.

thats all.

Ive spoken to gingerbread and solicitors as there is a history of DV. I stopped contact for a week or two last year as it wasnt safe to let DD go.

But you're certain she's not being abused. Right.

You're sending her off to an abusive situation, and then minimizing her feelings. She's telling you she is afraid, and you're breaking her trust and telling this to the person she's afraid of.

She has good reason to be afraid of him and you're sending her there anyway.

It is not normal for a child to sob because they have to see a parent. That is not typical behavior.

Fine, courts are making you send her. I'd fight to get contact reduced and explain to them the distress it's causing DD.

But don't sit there and say she's not afraid of him when he has a history of DV and has given her good reason to be afraid. Children don't always know how to express themselves, you need to be her advocate on this.

Sorry but if there was a history of DV there's no way my dd would be going. What if he carries it on with his new wife?!

Also maybe she says she's scared because of his height because that's the only way she knows how to articulate her feelings!??

But she's only 8.5, a child. She's saying she's scared because he's tall, but there's got to be more to it than that, she just can't express what scares her. It cannot be his height. Plenty of children have big tall fathers, and are not scared of them. She's obviously not got much of an emotional connection with him, what a terrible situation for you and her, I don't know what to suggest sorry. I hope you get to speak with her tomorrow.

Shes not being abused.

Shes not listened to, he doesnt take care of her emotional needs, but ive been told by a solicitor at womens aid, there is nothing i can do about this.

Please dont try to make out im letting DD down.

She doesnt usually sob, shes sobbing because shes there for a week not a weekend. she just doesnt want to go for that lenght of time.

she has never witnessed any DV, she was very very little ( a baby) when i left. there is no DV with his new wife.

Im not minimising her feelings at all, shes told me how shes feeling, ive told him so hes aware and can try to put it right, as he claims to want a good relationship with her. But, he doesnt listen.

She is not afraid of him, she has no emotional bond with him, and when he shouts she doesnt like it as ' hes too tall'. which is totally different to being scared of him all the time.

Ive been told i cant do anything about this, other than write a log of it all, but its nothing any court would do anything about.

I'm sorry you've had a tough day op.

I'm having similar issues at the minute with my ex and ds, although ds is fair bit younger than your dd.

We did go to court last year and although things are better now ds doesn't want to stay overnight at his dads, dad does what's best for him and not for ds. It breaks my heart, I know how you are feeling.

I tried to pm you but didn't want to intrude, I know there's no easy solution. I hope things improve for you. You are welcome to vent via pm if you like

You are saying things that you don't know for certain are true. They might not be happening by they could be. You cannot say for certain so why are you?

sylvian - yeah, im sure its not his height, more she is intimidated by him when hes being like that, and that she doesnt feel listened to.

She said she just wants to tell me things,and not him. and if thats how she feels, then thats fine.

they arent. she would tell me.

shes generally fine with going, she just doesnt like going for longer than a weekend... which i think is more down to how she feels about me, than it is about being at his.

anyway, i dont need to be kicked when i feel a bit crap anyway. so, can we just leave all the accusations to one side and unless its something actually helpful, just dont post it.

Maybe she seen and heard the DV and fears she is next.

I have no experience of this...

But how do you know there isn't DV with his new wife? If he is capable of DV to his partner he is surely capable of it to his child?

I don't want to upset you but if this was me I think I would want as little contact as possible. At the very best he is an emotionally cold, verbally abusive man who has shown violence in the past.

I really feel for you and I can understand why you feel the way you do. But for a father to shout because she expressed how she feels is - well - awful really.

Needsmorecake she might not. I'm sure my mum would have said that about me but I didn't tell her anything until very recently.

Wow what kind of mother are you? he verbally abuses her, your little girl yet you keep sending her?

Shame on you.

he shouted at her.

she didnt like it.

weather or not you call shouting verbally abusing is down to a thin line. every time you shoult at your children, do you call that being verbally abusive?
i doubt it

she has never witnessed any DV, she does not fear she is next. There is no DV in his relationship with his wife. she would 100% tell me if something was wrong.

for a father to shout becuse hes cross about something she said, yes, its shit. however, no court in the land would do anything about it. i know because ive asked a fucking solicitor from womens aid.

so, dont tell me im a bad mother when there is nothing i can do.

If there is no court order you aren't legally obliged to send her. You could explain that she is scared and unhappy, and if he wants to take it to court you can ask for a report where these issues would be investigated and Cafcass would also speak to your DD about her feelings. You can't say with any certainty that there is no DV with his new wife. You rightly left him due to his behaviour but you send a child when she is crying and pleading not to go?

You know what op, you are just saying excuses. Everything you wrote in your op is not NORMAL, your daughter is screaming for you to listen to her and help but because YOU value your free time more than her you refuse to listen.

Your daughter will one day be an mother herself, I bet she will resent you for keep sending her to her fathers when she felt nothing for him. I bet there is more things going on at his house that she is not telling you but who cares yeah? long as YOU get your free time.

i know im not legally obliged to send her. womens aid have said it would look bad on me to stop contact, but i can log these things. if he gets bad, or something happens, yes, stop it.
but in the meantime, since he is looking after her physically, then all i can do is to try to counter what he does, by parenting in a more loving way.

thats from womens aid, so can all the keyboard warriors who have no idea, just shut up, its really not nice.

I think this is really hard. My mum always sent me to my dad's (every other weekend) and it was horrible and scary. I was definitely emotionally scared in a major way. I didn't even tell my mother how scary it was as my stepmother asked me not to (long story - she felt that my father would take out his anger on her if I stopped going). My mother was trying hard not to deny my father contact/destroy our relationship. But in my view, she made a big mistake and didn't protect me.

I agree with another post up thread that it is tricky, legally, to deny him contact unless something has 'happened'. But if your daughter is crying and begging not to have to go then it sounds to me as if you need to listen to her. Not being 'heard' as a child is terribly damaging and distressing.

Not sure what a court would say, but I'd look into it.

Also, it is possible that things are worse than you think when she is there. She may just not be giving you the full story.

Best of luck, I really feel for you. NOT easy.

rebecca - thats really out of order of you.

free time? im working.

like i would palm my daughter off for free time.

im so angry at that comment.
you are really out of order.
have you not read anything i have posted here?

there is no DV with his new wife.

That you know of.

You can't bank on your child telling you. She could be too afraid to say anything. Look what happened when she told you she was afraid of him shouting, and you told him. You think she's going to say there's something more going on when there's now a chance of it backfiring, as you have already proven to her? If there is something going on, it's safe to assume she won't tell you. It's not your fault and you had good intentions, just see the situation for what it is.

You also can't count on his new wife to tell you. Women in abusive relationships notoriously try to hide it.

I wouldn't be sending her outside of court order custody and I'd be fighting it. Yes, shouting in and of itself isn't abusive. But if she's afraid of going, I'd at least have it investigated.

I think your DD is playing with your emotions.

She is quite cleaver, she shows she is upsetting you and by crying and wailing so your promise her things..... She gets these things and the cycle starts over again.