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Original poster

To feel awful for sending DD to her dads when she didnt want to go?

238 replies

Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:28

I feel awful.

Shes there for 6 days, she doesnt want to go, she has told me that she doesnt want to go, I know she will be fine onces shes there, and its more the thought of not being here with me.... but, well, she went off wailing.

Her dad isnt great any any kind of parenting that has any feelings, she tells me she cant talk to him, she doesnt even feel able to ask for a drink when shes with him. I have told him this lots of times, but, im the ex wife, so it never goes down well.

He picked her up from school today, DD had had a meltdown last night about not wanting to go and said hes scary and she cant talk to him. I told him, so he knew and could maybe do something to address it. Rather than getting home with her and trying to have a reassuring chat, he shouted at her in the car and told her she was silly. she was in tears when i met her at home, she was cross with me for telling him ( she told me in private, and i explained i told him so he could try and fix it)
He then had a go at me in front of her because i brought her a skateboard, or rather, i let her get one with her own money, as she has too many toys.... then he told her it was a good thing as shes not fallen off and hurt herself yet as shes too scared to do that, so maybe she will do with this. That makes Literally NO sense to me.

DD started to cry again, and i gave her a cuddle, sat with her and told her all the nice things she would do and what we could do when she came back and that i would call her tomorrow. He got all cross and said its not necessary for me to call and i was babying her and making it worse.

We got out to the car and DD whispered at me that she didnt want to go, i still made her, she got int he car and was wailing, really sobbing, and he shouted that this was all my fault.

I now feel dreadful.

Shes 8.5

did i do the right thing? i feel like ive broken her trust a bit.
Shes usually fine with weekends, but anything longer upsets her.

OP posts:
oohdaddypig · 23/05/2014 22:11

Thanks arcadia, cake

Out of interest, were the incidents of DV recorded with police etc?

I ask because if it was me, I would want to make sure I had my ducks in a row should I very quickly decide I needed to stop contact.

I am also amazed an eight year old's feelings aren't taken into account. We blether on about human rights in this country yet an eight year old appears to have fewer rights than her parent. We deem eight year olds able, with certain protections, to give evidence in court.

I do appreciate how tricky this is but the system feels so wrong

Pannacotta · 23/05/2014 22:11

Don't wish to be rude but if you are that worried then spending £9 on a PAYG phone is quite doable.

EssexMummy123 · 23/05/2014 22:15

I'm stunned that 8 year old's feelings aren't taken into account either -why is no-one protecting the innocent party here?

When my parents got divorced at the same age, i actually had to sit on my own in the car-park whilst the custody agreement was hammered out.

I will tell you this OP, I to was scared of being sent to stay with my 'scary' father and it's a very strong reason why i don't have a relationship with my mother as an adult, i will never forgive her for that. I hope that when your daughter is older she doesn't feel the same way.

needaholidaynow · 23/05/2014 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:17

daddypig - yes, a few were. With the whole cutting of legal aid now, it is even more important than it once was, to report these issues. As is stands, i could not afford a solicitor, IF my ex husband kicked off and was very physically abusive, then i could report him to the police and then might be able to get some kind of legal aid to help with all this but its not 100% that i would, and that it would extend to contact issues.

Also, the DV issues where way back when, over 5 years ago. Some spanning back 10 years ago. Since i no longer live with him, and just cut the phone if he even starts being rude, it never escalates to anything anymore.

the system might seem wrong, but it is how it is, and we can only work within it.

OP posts:
Arcadia · 23/05/2014 22:21

The court/law considers that children are being protected by NOT having to take decisions as to how much time they spend with each parent. It is viewed as simply being too much pressure to place on a child.

Children of that age can only be represented by a Children's Guardian, who are appointed in extremely complex private law cases (e.g. Where one parent has a severe personality disorder) and in all public law/care cases I.e. Children being removed from their parents by the state. They are in turn represented by a solicitor and normally the CG and their solicitor (who have special accreditation) meet the child several times and meet everyone involved.

Think about it, children cannot take these decisions themselves, it is parents jobs to do so as it is for parents to decide in schooling, medical issues etc. if parents cannot decide they go to court and a judge decides, the child does not.

mimidl · 23/05/2014 22:23

The accusations are fuelled by jealousy at your close relationship with your daughter. It's hard not to let little digs get to you but it sounds like you are doing everything right by including them and encouraging her to visit him.

It's a sad situation to see what should be such a close bond sever, but when you hold someone at arms length as your ex is with your dd, it's much easier for the distance to gradually get greater without you noticing, and when he does finally notice it may be too late.

As for the phone - I understand the logic, but she's still only 8. I would encourage coping mechanisms for when she's there, otherwise you'll be worried every time the phone rings. Maybe she could take her favourite book and go and read in her room when it gets a bit much for her? Of course if this doesn't work then the phone would be the next step.

Keep your chin up and ignore the negativity. Only you know what's best for your child. Take care Thanks

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:24

essexmummy - i think the thought is, that they are protecting the innocent, by coming at it from a neutral place, till the child is old enough to understand and make their own decisions and understand the consequences of them.

If you gave 8 year olds choices over everything, they would never go to school, eat ice cream every day and never wash. If we never made them do things they didnt want to do, they wouldnt do much.

Also, at 8, they dont understand much other than how they feel at that moment, they dont see the wider picture, ergo, its protecting a relationship until they are at an age where they can make a more informed decision.

OP posts:
Arcadia · 23/05/2014 22:26

I went into law to do legal aid needsmore and did for a few years but unfortunately was abolished so had to go private - it is a disgrace, but don't get me started on legal aid cuts!

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:29

im not sold on the idea of her having a phone yet either.

She is only 8, and i think she would just be on it all the time.
Maybe i might get her a booka nd she can write me a note every day and we can read them when she gets home... and i could do the same for her.

I think she would like that.

I am fully aware the digs and shouting have come from him because hes frustrated and jealous of my relationship with DD. he wants the same but hasnt got the same because he doesnt treat her as a person. So, he lashes out. Ive known him for coming up for 20 years, i know how he works. hes got home and sent me a ton of texts demanding stuff, and its just him trying to re assert himself as he feels out of sorts and put out. Ive been polite and then old him i was going out.

OP posts:
Arcadia · 23/05/2014 22:29

Cross post needsmore you explain it perfectly.

My only comment having read above, you don 't have to stick to the three week blocks in the summer, agreement at the divorce stage is not binding although you may not wish to rock the boat. Doing two two week blocks and another week each, or alternate weeks may be better for her? But can understand if you don't want to discuss with him.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:31

i agree arcadia. It really is.
But, thank you for confirming what i thought, and for posting on this thread so other posters might have learnt something ( and stopped kicking me )
:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:35

oh, we agrue every summer. i refuse to do 3 week blocks. she can do it, but she needs to come home for a few days in the middle.

he hates it, i get weeks of shit for it. hes started on it tonight. but i wont budge, as thats in DD's best interest.

She usually comes home, wraps herself around me for 3 days and then goes off happy again.

he doesnt understand, ive been trying for years but he takes it as a slur and gets cross. But i wont back down.

And i understand totally why the law is there, and what its there to protect and how it works.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 23/05/2014 22:37

interestingly we have the reverse issue! dsc's are meant to be with us for 3 week block in the summer which was their request but their dm decided she couldn't cope not seeing them for 3 full weeks so vito'd it!! they are now going on camp for what would have been the 3rd week so she won't see them anyway!!

I think in the light of Arcadia's information the likes of rebecca2014 need to publicly apologise for being so vile

phoebeflangey · 23/05/2014 22:38

*Arcadia - I thought that Gillick competence can come into play with 8yrs and above to be able to speak up for how they themselves feel? I know my brother had experience with this, under official supervision and advisory of course??

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:41

They should... but they wont. trolls dont ever come back....

its very hard, the whole divorced/ step parent thing. Not all parents act in the childs best interests, which is quite sad.

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 23/05/2014 22:47

I've read the first and last page OP. I think there are things going on that your dd can't articulate due to her immaturity. She doesn't want to go for more than a day or two. Have you tried listening to the message she is giving you. Try and find out why she doesn't want to go; beyond how tall he is.

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/05/2014 22:50

Needsmorecake is your DD having counselling. My DD's school have been enormously helpful in getting her counselling even before she revealed the abuse.

I think DD has been very conflicted in not wanting to say various things in case she caused Daddy to be cross with Mummy etc. Counselling gave her a safe place where she could talk about what was upsetting her with causing conflict or affecting her loyalties.

Arcadia · 23/05/2014 22:50

phoebe this would still require the involvement of professionals to make that assessment and take the child's views and the funding simply is not there unless in extreme cases. This is the position now, even more so now than a few years ago since recent cuts in both legal aid, the court system and children's services.

Pannacotta · 23/05/2014 22:52

Yes divorcing with children involved is hard OP, very hard.
I do agree with Near though and I would be digging for more info.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:53

No, she isnt having counselling, because shes not given anyone any reason to think she needs it.

School have no concerns, any clubs she attends have no concerns, i have no concerns, family and friends have no concerns.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 23/05/2014 22:55

TBH Needsmorecake - it sounds like your confident in your own mind that your doing the right thing. But you haven't really explained how your daughters emotional wellbeing is being put first and protected? Are you actually taking in and acting upon what she is telling you?

This all sounds like there is bad feeling between you and your ex and it is your daughter that is suffering.

But as I said - you seem confident that your doing everything right here, whether your daughter will understand and agree with your decisions when she's older is something else.

Ponkypink · 23/05/2014 22:55

OP, I am sorry some people have taken it upon themselves to be utter bitches to you. I think YANBU and you did what you had to do- I am in a similar-ish situation (my youngest is a bit younger), and I know that if I stopped contact, ex would go to court and possibly even get residence, even though he scares my daughter (as with yours, not all the time- just with overreacting anger), and would not cope with looking after her full time. It is not wrong of you in any way at all to make sure that your daughter can stay with you in the long term by sticking to the court order! I don't know why on earth anyone would be so cruel as to suggest you are responsible for your ex's behaviour and the fact that the courts have ruled for contact. I hope you are both ok, and sorry you are in such a distressing situation.

EssexMummy123 · 23/05/2014 22:55

Ps- did you have counselling when you split?

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