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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel awful for sending DD to her dads when she didnt want to go?

238 replies

Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:28

I feel awful.

Shes there for 6 days, she doesnt want to go, she has told me that she doesnt want to go, I know she will be fine onces shes there, and its more the thought of not being here with me.... but, well, she went off wailing.

Her dad isnt great any any kind of parenting that has any feelings, she tells me she cant talk to him, she doesnt even feel able to ask for a drink when shes with him. I have told him this lots of times, but, im the ex wife, so it never goes down well.

He picked her up from school today, DD had had a meltdown last night about not wanting to go and said hes scary and she cant talk to him. I told him, so he knew and could maybe do something to address it. Rather than getting home with her and trying to have a reassuring chat, he shouted at her in the car and told her she was silly. she was in tears when i met her at home, she was cross with me for telling him ( she told me in private, and i explained i told him so he could try and fix it)
He then had a go at me in front of her because i brought her a skateboard, or rather, i let her get one with her own money, as she has too many toys.... then he told her it was a good thing as shes not fallen off and hurt herself yet as shes too scared to do that, so maybe she will do with this. That makes Literally NO sense to me.

DD started to cry again, and i gave her a cuddle, sat with her and told her all the nice things she would do and what we could do when she came back and that i would call her tomorrow. He got all cross and said its not necessary for me to call and i was babying her and making it worse.

We got out to the car and DD whispered at me that she didnt want to go, i still made her, she got int he car and was wailing, really sobbing, and he shouted that this was all my fault.

I now feel dreadful.

Shes 8.5

did i do the right thing? i feel like ive broken her trust a bit.
Shes usually fine with weekends, but anything longer upsets her.

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 24/05/2014 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 24/05/2014 11:29

and for all the haters, ive spoken to gingerbread about this very issue and i just get told that what he choses to do with her in his tme, i get no say over, and that its differing parenting styles.

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 24/05/2014 11:34

OP, this must be a very upsetting time for you.

Obviously no one knows you personally or your circumstances, I think some of the comments have been made to you because other posters cannot possibly comprehend how you could have let her go with him when she was so visibly distressed.

Hopefully things will be better when you speak to your dd later.

ImeldaMaybeNot · 24/05/2014 11:39

Oh you poor things Sad

Just think about today and what is the right thing to do, dont be clouded by the future, do what you think is right for DD today and the rest can be dealt with in time

You are allowed to have differing parenting styles but that doesnt mean your parenting style is to be ignored

I will be thinking of you both today

whois · 24/05/2014 11:47

Fuck me, he's that horrible to her in front of you what is he like when he's on his own with her??

PlantsAndFlowers · 24/05/2014 11:48

I think sometimes you have to weigh up how much harm will happen from the child visiting her farther, versus how much harm will happen if there is a massive custody case.

The child is clingy, to those who say this is evidence of abuse or long term harm - have you ever tried taking your kids to a new school or nursery?

I suspect it is the change she objects

PicandMinx · 24/05/2014 11:50

Go and get her now. Before he gets her cut off just to show you that you "don't rule him".

PlantsAndFlowers · 24/05/2014 11:50

Imelda Of course he can ignore the OPs parenting style! That's one of the best things about divorce - you don't have to pander to your ex's parenting style when your child is with you.

Goodadvice1980 · 24/05/2014 11:52

I think this is a very tricky situation, yes from what has been described there is definitely emotional abuse.

I hope this does not cause long term damage to relationship between the OP and her dd (i.e. the daughter ends up blaming her for not "protecting" her from the abusive father).

PicandMinx · 24/05/2014 11:52
  • hair cut off - I'm getting flustered because ex shaved my DS hair off out of spite.
PlantsAndFlowers · 24/05/2014 11:52

Pic you are suggesting that the OP does exactly what you are accusing him of.

WTF!

PlantsAndFlowers · 24/05/2014 11:54

I think the comment from Pic about her ex shaving off her DS's hair out if spite tells you a lot about people's responses to this thread.

ImeldaMaybeNot · 24/05/2014 12:11

PlantsAndFlowers - I know he can choose to ignore OPs parenting style but if he chooses to emotionally abuse their DD then OP has the chose to involve the courts to stop that abuse

ImeldaMaybeNot · 24/05/2014 12:14

*choice

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 24/05/2014 12:20

ive spoken to her and him.

Hes had a massive rant, and is now ok. He is cross and feels not listened to, so i liken that to how dd feels. he said he realies he needs to be softer sometimes. hes going to talk to his mum about parenting young girls, and his new wife too.

Shes fine, she said she just misses me, but is ok now and is having fun.
She in a room on her own, so she had privacy too.

I have agreed to the hair cut, on the basis that he take her to a salon in the village and get 3 inches off. I have told her this is ok and he can send a photo of it to me, and i will speak to her afterwards. Shes not best pleased about it, but shes never pleased about haircuts.

Its damn tricky, one to know how much is just different parenting styles, how much is DD playing on it, and how much is real. However, shes fine right now, i can tell in her voice, so, im going to wait and speak to her later.

OP posts:
Canthisonebeused · 24/05/2014 12:27

He sounds like a proper shit. I would keep the abusive texts. I think you did the right thing with the hair cut to be honest though it's not easy.

Maybe you could start blocking contact based on saying dd doesn't want to go then seeing what shit you get thrown at you and don't respond to the abusive texts. I'm sure that would be enough to evidence that he does not have his dds best interest at heart.

Canthisonebeused · 24/05/2014 12:28

And talking to his mum and wife about parenting girls is a total cop out what he needs to do is talk with and listed to dd.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 24/05/2014 12:29

imelda, getting anything recognised as emotional abuse is very hard, and subjective.

DD is fine now, i asked if she wanted me to come and get her and she said no. Her voice is happy. She is fine.

Ergo, there cant be enough of a problem. So, sometimes he might be too harsh on her and not great with her feelings, but its not all the time.

Its very difficult to call, DD is happy now and wants to stay, so im listening to that.

OP posts:
TitusFlavius · 24/05/2014 12:31

If she's OK about going for a weekend, but not for 6 days, can you just not send her for any more long visits? At nearly 9 there's a million excuses you can make for not wanting to disrupt her routine for more than a weekend, if he gets sticky about it. She still has regular contact with him, but not for these extended visits which you say she hates.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 24/05/2014 12:31

canthisone - but blocking contact when DD is happy when she is there, is wrong. That would make me a shit parent.

Antagnoising him to get him to react one way for my own benefit is also pretty low and again not in DD's best interests, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 24/05/2014 12:36

The new wife has booked herself a hair appt for the same time, so she can be having hers done while DD has hers done, to try and help the issue.

Thats not sometihng someone abusive would do.

Shes fine now shes there, and 6 days will be fine, she just doesnt like the thought of it when she has to leave, mostly due to the differing parenting styles possibly.

she was with him 8 days over easter, he took her on holiday and she had a great time that she asked to stay a day longer, so i let her

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 24/05/2014 12:43

OP, does the new wife really realise what he's like?

Canthisonebeused · 24/05/2014 12:43

I would generally agree but the fact he is sending shitty texts and creating also sorts of upset whilst she is there indicates that she must be aware of his mood and what's happening. I would suggests she isn't happy when there but puts up with it as she has no other choice. In my own dds situation who protests and will categorically never stay over night. I would suggest she is generally happy when there but not at night time. Therefore she doesn't sleep at night.

But the difference is that he does not send abusive texts and rant in dds presence about it. Your dd can't be happy in this situation. I understand you can't do right for doing wrong on this situation but it's not ok for him to behave in this way. And stopping contact as dd doesn't want to go as this type of behaviour from him is affecting her isn't manipulating the situation for your own gain it's standing up to this unreasonable and abusive behaviour. It may trigger him into more but you are not responsible for he he behaves you are responsible for safeguarding your dd.

I didn't really agree with other posters earlier but after your most recent post it does sound like you are minimising his behaviour somewhat. And I can 100% understand why. It's an impossible situation for you to be caught up in. But his behaviour is abusive and unreasonable and I suspect maybe you have down played it and the advice you are given is based on the fact you stress dd is happy when there, but how can she be?

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 24/05/2014 12:44

Shes been with him for 5.5 years, so, i guess she does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 24/05/2014 12:47

She was horse riding when he was talking to me and texting, so she wasnt close to him at all.

Ive spoken to DD, she is fine, i asked her if she really was fine, or just saying it, and she said she was fine, i asked her if she wanted me to come and get and and she said no, why would i.

shes fine.

OP posts: