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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel awful for sending DD to her dads when she didnt want to go?

238 replies

Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:28

I feel awful.

Shes there for 6 days, she doesnt want to go, she has told me that she doesnt want to go, I know she will be fine onces shes there, and its more the thought of not being here with me.... but, well, she went off wailing.

Her dad isnt great any any kind of parenting that has any feelings, she tells me she cant talk to him, she doesnt even feel able to ask for a drink when shes with him. I have told him this lots of times, but, im the ex wife, so it never goes down well.

He picked her up from school today, DD had had a meltdown last night about not wanting to go and said hes scary and she cant talk to him. I told him, so he knew and could maybe do something to address it. Rather than getting home with her and trying to have a reassuring chat, he shouted at her in the car and told her she was silly. she was in tears when i met her at home, she was cross with me for telling him ( she told me in private, and i explained i told him so he could try and fix it)
He then had a go at me in front of her because i brought her a skateboard, or rather, i let her get one with her own money, as she has too many toys.... then he told her it was a good thing as shes not fallen off and hurt herself yet as shes too scared to do that, so maybe she will do with this. That makes Literally NO sense to me.

DD started to cry again, and i gave her a cuddle, sat with her and told her all the nice things she would do and what we could do when she came back and that i would call her tomorrow. He got all cross and said its not necessary for me to call and i was babying her and making it worse.

We got out to the car and DD whispered at me that she didnt want to go, i still made her, she got int he car and was wailing, really sobbing, and he shouted that this was all my fault.

I now feel dreadful.

Shes 8.5

did i do the right thing? i feel like ive broken her trust a bit.
Shes usually fine with weekends, but anything longer upsets her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 19:58

she doesnt usually cry, shes usually happy to go.

its just the lenght of time,thats what shes said. they are her words.

yes, its very tricky, ive had legal advice, i cant do anything other than follow it, which i am doing.

its a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 23/05/2014 19:59

OP, I'm sorry for your situation, sorry you're getting some harsh replies. I hope you get to speak to your DD tomorrow. Does she have a mobile phone? If not maybe that could be something to get her, so she can contact you whenever she wants.

basgetti · 23/05/2014 20:00

Something has happened. She has cried and pleaded and told you she's scared of him. Contact is for the benefit of the child, not the parent and if is effecting her to that extent you are entitled to reconsider arrangements. You reduce contact and he either accepts it, or takes you to court where you plead your case and fight for your daughter.

Thecircle · 23/05/2014 20:02

Some of these replies are really very harsh- op is quite clearly upset.

She has taken legal advice and advice from women's aid, very similar to initial advice I had in a similar situation.

It is very easy for people to say "stop contact", it's not as easy as that. Emotionally or legally

merce · 23/05/2014 20:02

OP, please try to ignore that unpleasant comment above.

But I think PrincessBabyCat makes a good point. My father was violent and abusive when drunk and I was told not to say how bad it got. It is entirely possible that things are worse than you know - and that she hasn't told you the full picture.

If she is frightened, I think you really must listen and take it seriously. I really really wish my mother had protected me more (although I do realise that she thought she was doing the right thing at the time).

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 20:02

Im astounded at the replies to be honest.

She doesnt have amobile phone at the moment, but i think when i upgrade mine this summer, i might give her my old one with a pay as you go sim in it for texting me.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 23/05/2014 20:03

Wow you are really something.

I hope your daughter is ok and having an verbally abusive father and an mother who did nothing to protect her doesn't scar her too much.

Me and my husband are splitting up, if I found out she thought he was 'scary' and he yelled at her over telling him how she felt then no way would I send her to him. It is verbal abuse not like you care. Sorry but this makes me so angry as that's how my husband treated me and to see an young girl father doing the same...horrible and this is only the incident that you know about.

Rebecca2014 · 23/05/2014 20:05

People may think I am being harsh but there is an real life little girl here and an mother who keeps making excuses.

Her post has warning signs all over it.

Ratbagcatbag · 23/05/2014 20:06

What responses did you want op? That you were fine to send her off in that state? You asked if you did the right thing and a lot of posters on here don't think you did.

I'd be looking into what the issues are more deeply and arranging to get her back a bit earlier if you can.

PrincessBabyCat · 23/05/2014 20:08

She doesnt have amobile phone at the moment, but i think when i upgrade mine this summer, i might give her my old one with a pay as you go sim in it for texting me.

That's a good start. At the very least she'll know she has a lifeline.

I just know that when I was a kid I didn't want to go to my aunt and uncles house during the summer. My parents insisted on sending me, and my aunt always insisted everything was fine. It wasn't. I never told them about what happened until I was an adult and my aunt had long divorced the bastard.

But being afraid to go, is a huge red flag. For the sake of your daughter, please don't ignore it.

Ratbagcatbag · 23/05/2014 20:08

I agree with Rebecca. My dad was (probably still is) an abusive bastard, my mum stayed with him, minimising a lot of his behaviour. Although my dad isn't on the scene anymore I have a strained relationship with my mum for being pathetic. It's only got worse since my dd came on the scene.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 23/05/2014 20:09

I really think a phone will help her here OP. Get her one and tell her she can call/text you if she wants (make sure ex knows this though).

I feel for you and totally understand where you are coming from I think Thanks
Its tough and 8 is a difficult age for things like this. Ime it will get easier as she gets older.

rumbleinthrjungle · 23/05/2014 20:09

Oh good grief stop slating the poor OP. No parent can ever win on these threads, they either get told poor NRP, it's your fault the child doesn't want to go/you're encouraging the behaviour or they get told what kind of parent are you for making them go, it's abusive.

There's been plenty of threads on MN by mothers with serious concerns about their child's wellbeing and safety while with the NRP, having gone through all the proper channels with evidence, and still being forced by court to send the child anyway, the child's feelings and the mother's feelings are more or less irrelevant because contact is seen as so vital for the child. At 8, a child's views aren't going to be given much credence. So it seems very unlikely a court is going to support OP in reducing contact and instead will say she's being negative/uncooperative.

OP I'm sorry, that must have been horrible for you. With your ex not willing to be helpful or supportive about this it must be very difficult to help your dd with this. Can school or your local sure start centre suggest any counselling support for your dd to have someone impartial to talk to about her feelings? Really hope as you say that once she's there she'll be fine and it's the transition that's the hard part. Wine

JonesRipley · 23/05/2014 20:13

I think this a really hard situation for you, but I think your DD is crying out to be heard. It is not normal to feel that way about your father.

merce · 23/05/2014 20:13

Lots of horrid, vicious attacks on OP here. Poor thing has come on MN to ask for advice as she is worried that she might not be doing the right thing. She is very clear about her concerns/guilt and doubt.

I happen to agree that she should take action to protect her daughter, but I don't see that it is helpful to be unpleasant and aggressive about it. Poor woman is clearly worried sick as it is.

OP, try to rise above the unpleasantness, but there are some really valid comments there too. You've asked for advice, and I would definitely be in favour of you stepping in to protect her from a father she (for whatever reason) is scared of.

Good luck!

JonesRipley · 23/05/2014 20:14

Rumble

Good idea about counselling or child psychotherapy.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 20:16

She was fine when she went to his at easter, so much so she didnt even want to talk to me as i was interupting her fun.

nothing has happened to make her not want to go, other than she just doesnt want to leave me or her home for a week,thats all. We are very close.

shes more than happy to go off on weekends and most of the time i dont even get a backward glance.

DD said this morning to me that she just likes talking to me and wants to keep it that way, so, thats fine. She doesnt need any other help. I think shes just decided she wont get those needs met by him, and they are met by me, so, a week long, without that nurturing side feels like a long time and she gets a bit sad about that.

Rebecca, i think you owe me an appology.

DD was babysat for by her nana the other month, she cried when i left her there too, said she didnt want to go. shes not being abused by her nana, she had a lovely time, she just didnt want to go, and that was only one night. Its just, her nana wasnt me, thats all.

OP posts:
ModreB · 23/05/2014 20:16

I never usually post on threads like this. I have read the whole thread.

OP. Fucking wake up. Your DD is scared of him because he shouts

He knows she is scared when he shouts, because you told him, and he still fucking shouts at her.

If that is not emotional abuse, I don't know what is. Get your DD out of there, or she will be damaged for a long time.

JonesRipley · 23/05/2014 20:16

I don't know why you are astounded at the replies, though. You know what he is capable of. He dominated you so is it hard to believe he would sacre a little girl?

SueDNim · 23/05/2014 20:16

Does her father actually want her for the amount of time you have agreed in your divorce. If he is shouting at her (leaving aside whether this is acceptable) he doesn't sound like he can really be enjoying their time together. He might prefer or be persuaded to prefer less contact. Have you asked him?

JonesRipley · 23/05/2014 20:17

Scare

JonesRipley · 23/05/2014 20:18

OP
You are backtracking. I don't mean to badger, but read what you wrote earlier

gordyslovesheep · 23/05/2014 20:19

OP I am sorry but she is being abused 'hes not mistreating her, hes just not sensitive to her needs in any way' he is ignoring her emotional needs - this is emotional neglect - which is abuse x

I know it's not helpful right now but maybe use the next few days to get advice and begin trying to reduce or change contact

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 23/05/2014 20:21

OP, some of the tears and protest from your DD is probably to do with the thought of being away from you for a week. I know my DD would miss me and would naturally protest at the idea of being away for a week. My DD is 7.5 yrs, and we are so close. I can imagine how upset you must feel.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 20:23

yes, he wants her there, he wants her for more time. hes cross because he doesnt understand why she feels the way she does, and why she wont talk to him about things, but, when i explain, he wont listen and gets angry.

he still labours under the illusion that when shes 12 she will want to go and live with him.

I dont think he realises she is a person with her own thoughts and feelings and the relationship he has with her is the one he cultivates.
its easier to get cross and then blame me.

to be fair DD would be scared of anyone when they shout. I dont shout.

I dont know where people keep missing where i have said i have seen womens aid and a womens aid solicitor about this, there is nothing i can do. no court would stop contact over shouting, it just would not happen. ever.

OP posts: