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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

324 replies

Frecklefeet · 21/05/2014 08:10

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself Confused

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/05/2014 08:14

You shouldn't have to, but if it means things get done then I would.

Ihearthickson · 21/05/2014 08:16

I'd just write a list. A bit annoying the lack of initiative but it'll take 15 mins. Pick your battles is my motto. Congrats on your forthcoming baby!

Original poster
Frecklefeet · 21/05/2014 08:16

But it doesn't seem fair. What has made me the manager of the house Hmm he is capable of doing things and has just been lazy and taken advantage of my efficiency.

This has really annoyed me.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 21/05/2014 08:17

Yes we'd all like fairies to fly in, mind read and do whatever we feel needs doing!

If you want your DH to do something you need to tell him.

thebodylovesspring · 21/05/2014 08:18

Make him massive one including things like painting the shed and washing the curtains. Sit back and enjoy.

Sirzy · 21/05/2014 08:18

Some people are just naturally more organised. Some people are more likely to see jobs which need doing than others.

He is willing to do the jobs, just needs pointing in the right direction.

Jumblebee · 21/05/2014 08:18

I have the same issues Confused it's annoying isn't it? On my days off I manage to at least do dishes before I go out (if I do!). On his day off he won't do a thing unless I've asked him too! Sometimes I wish I didn't care about living in a shit hole Hmm

Original poster
Frecklefeet · 21/05/2014 08:19

It is not about mind reading though. It is about looking around and seeing washing that needs to be put on or put away, toys that need picking up, crumbs that needs sweeping, dishes that need clearing and washing.... Hmm

OP posts:
thebodylovesspring · 21/05/2014 08:20

Do you think he's more annoying as you are a tiny bit hormonal? And knackered? Grin

Original poster
Frecklefeet · 21/05/2014 08:23

So am I really being unreasonable then?

He has a counselling appointment coming up (unrelated to relationship more to do with his ptsd) and I was very tempted to get him to discuss this with his counsellor as it seems so obvious to me that he should be capable of using his initiative Blush

So now I'm feeling confused that I'm in the wrong Hmm

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 21/05/2014 08:24

Which is more effort and more annoying - writing the damn list or seething about it and posting on here?

natwebb79 · 21/05/2014 08:24

I'm Shock at so many people saying you should write him a list of what to do. How old is he for goodness sake?! If a woman wrote this in reverse and said she needs her husband to write her a list of what to do every day as the poor petal doesn't notice dirt and piles of washing when she sees it then she would be ripped to shreds on here. I don't get it - does having a penis automatically give you selective vision?!
Saying that if he really is that useless then I don't know what to suggest OP. I personally couldn't ever live with somebody without any initiative so wouldn't know where to start. I share your sentiment though...

OwlCapone · 21/05/2014 08:25

TBH, I think it is better to divide up the jobs rather than rely on each person "using their initiative". No company would run effectively on initiative alone.

Share the jobs out with each of you responsible for specific tasks and all should be good.

Original poster
Frecklefeet · 21/05/2014 08:27

[natweb] thank you! I was started to feel guilty about being stubborn about this.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/05/2014 08:27

He's willing to do more. You don't have to keep writing lists for ever. He's just asked for a bit of guidance to get started with a new regime. I really don't get these posts moaning because someone doesn't instinctively get it right straight off - some people are genuinely better at this than others regardless of gender.

sashh · 21/05/2014 08:27

Everyone has different standards, and everyone sees different things that need doing.

It's not about being a man or a woman it's partly seeing things and partly habit.

I've told the story on here of me asking a girl if she'd had her hair done, she hadn't, but she had taken off her headscarf. I knew there was something different but completely missed the headscarf.

Write a list, put every little thing on it and divide by days, so washing up and laundry daily, vacuuming eery 2 days etc etc.

It will make your life easier and it will make your dh's life easier.

Include on the list things you will need doing/to do after you have your baby too.

Once he gets in to the habit of looking to see if dishes need doing and know you expect them to be done he will do them.

Original poster
Frecklefeet · 21/05/2014 08:28

And I was shocked to not be able to find a single online article that shares my view! Shock

OP posts:
TarkaTheOtter · 21/05/2014 08:29

YANBU My dh uses the "you just have to ask" line. Makes me feel like he thinks he is doing it for my benefit rather than because it needs to be done. Before we moved in together he somehow managed to keep his house tidy/fridge stocked/washing done.

Sirzy · 21/05/2014 08:30

Nat web - I know women who don't see things that need doing in the same way as their partners. So the partner does the list of jobs and then they work through them.

I am really failing to see why this needs to be such an issue. I am on the scruffy side of the scale and often write myself a list of what jobs need doing so I am less likely to forget things or get distracted.

ilovesooty · 21/05/2014 08:30

And I also don't see how his counselling appointments are relevant to this either. It's not your place to suggest things for him to discuss in counselling.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/05/2014 08:30

It is really annoying. Did he never live alone before?

I admit, I'd probably write the damn list if I thought 1) it'd made things get done (will it?) and 2) it wouldn't have to be ridiculously detailed. But there is something pathetic about a grown adult unsure how to tidy his own space, isn't there?

RiverTam · 21/05/2014 08:34

well, I wouldn't need to write a list for DH, he lived independently (and mainly with female flatmates who wouldn't tolerate any shit) for years before we bought our place together, and is more than capable of looking after the house and DD without any input from me (probably more capable than me, to be honest).

But from what I've read on MN over the years he is perhaps in the minority.

I agree that writing the list in the first place is a chore but once it's done it's done. Having lived with DH I would find it pretty intolerable having to do this for anyone, in fact it would probably be a deal-breaker!

LordEmsworth · 21/05/2014 08:34

YANBU. If he lived on his own, presumably he wouldn't get someone in to tell him what to do. He is being lazy (I don't blame him, I'd do the same if I could get away with it!).

But, realistically and practically, he is not going to change; I'd make the list and the first thing on it would be "planning and managing the household", make it clear that it's a big job and if he wants to take it over then he's welcome to. But count it as a chore, which takes as much time and effort as doing the "visible" stuff like laundry - do not let him under value the work involved...

TravellingToad · 21/05/2014 08:34

I think YANBU.

He's an adult. He's not stupid. Why can't he see what needs done? Is it that he has a penis? Is it somehow flying up and blocking his vision?

You should tell him to write his own list. Get him to sit down and get a pen, close his eyes, picture the house and write a list.

A list isn't a bad idea. It's just it's clearly not your place to write it for him.

Original poster
Frecklefeet · 21/05/2014 08:35

Yes he has lived alone before. And he was very tidy and clean. More than I am naturally.

ilovesooty I wouldn't expect him to discuss it if he felt it completely irrelevant, I was thinking of suggesting it to get a counsellor's professional perspective. Is this a really big no no for a partner to do then?

OP posts: