To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

[Frecklefeet]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself

I share your frustration. There are some things that will always need doing. Washing put on, dishwasher put on/dishes washed, toys tidying etc.

I told dh I was going to put laminated notices up around the house "does bin need emptying" "is laundry basket full".

This is the man who called me to ask me how to use the washing machine. The washing machine he brought with him when we moved in together .

I'd ask him to make a list and then you can see if he's missed anything maybe. Why should you do the list?!

I can't believe people think it's fine for you to have to write him a list.

You are both adults and share a home and a family.
When you have to write someone who is supposed to be equal a list it isn't equal at all. I know the feeling!
If I wanted any help from my ex I had to ask and be met with "I'll do it in a bit" or an argument. His moody face before doing the chore made me mad.
So basically to get any help I had to be pissed off in return.
There is no excuse for it.

Yes some people aren't as organised as others, but I suspect more are just lazy bastards who leave it to their partner that hope the more times they cause trouble when asked to do something the less they will be asked

If you've always done it I can see why he's asking.

I've been married 30+ years and my husband has always done at least his fair share (if not more )

But I am the one who still notices what needs doing more. So often I am the one that will say and then we'll organise who does what.

I really don't see it as a problem.

I think if he's normally tidy and clean, it might be part of the signs of something not right. I don't think I'd suggest he discuss it, more casually mention 'I wonder if this is related'.

Why does he think he needs a list if he's been fine doing it before?

As his partner I don't think this is the kind of involvement I'd expect you to have in his counselling, no.

As a counsellor I wouldn't be offering a professional perspective on it either in thus situation.

You're making more of an issue than it really needs to be. Just take 5 minutes to do the list, it will get done. Seriously pick your battles.

The only reason why I have done more is that since ds was born I worked less than he has (although I have always worked and he only works part time himself too!)

I completely sympathise, OP, and I don't think YABU in what you'd like him to do. But I can see it from his side too, and it sounds as if he's going to need a bit more help. If he doesn't use much initiative at the moment, he's going to have to learn how!

One way might be to devote a good hour or two to making a ginormous list of all your domestic tasks. Including all the things you do yourself, and intend to carry on doing. Split it into things that need to be done daily (or even more often, eg putting used things in the dishwasher after every meal, wiping down surfaces), every couple of days, weekly, less often. Then whenever he's hanging around looking vacant, say "if you've got a moment, could you check the chores list please, and see if you can find anything that needs doing?". That way, he's getting a prompt on what sorts of things he should be doing, but it's not you directly telling him every time, and he'll be deciding for himself what he does and when.

The other important thing, and I don't know if you do this but I know I do, is not to micromanage him. As long as the job is being done to an ok standard (whatever you agree between yourselves), resist the temptation to get too hung up on things being done Your Way. This is really hard for me because I, of course, do everything Just Right and it's a mystery why anyone else might ever have any different ideas - but there you go, people are strange

Anyway, my point is, let him do things his way and take full responsibility for them being done - don't give him the feeling that he may as well not bother doing things because you're only going to tell him he's done it wrong and redo it.

As I said, this is a shot in the dark as I've no idea if you're like this in any way, but I definitely am and it is a common complaint among those who are accused of not pulling their weight around the house, so I just thought I'd mention it!

coffee - there speaks an optimist!

freckle - will he do it if you write a list, do you think?

Another one gob smacked that people think you should write the list. Yes you need to pick your battles but sometimes winning battles means you lose the war. And if the aim is being in a equal partnership with another adult, not a child, a new employee or anyone else you'd need to give orders and instructions to, then that is a war worth fighting for, just to continue the analogy. This is your partner, an equal, and an adult. Who I imagine can work out what needs done at work using initiative. No way would I write the list.

I need lists, otherwise I start a job and get distracted by something and go off on a tangent. End result is me doing lots but getting nothing useful done! I could start with say dusting and end up rearranging the bookshelves!

So I write myself a list of what I need to do, it does help me. When we are having a clear out then H will write me a list, its no biggie.

Some people are just better at seeing jobs, lining them up in the right order in their head and working through them until they are done.

I wish I was one! Clearly your DH isnt one either, so I would do a big list, stick it on the fridge with the understanding that you do so many each. At 36 weeks pg I would expect it to be 60% him and 40% you, changing to 80/20 after the baby comes, then working back up gradually to 50/50 over a few months.

The book you want is Wifework, and you're not being unreasonable. If you write a list of chores then ultimate responsibility for each chore is still yours - you have to think about it, you have to write it down. Even if he then does everything on the list perfectly, you've still both been involved in each, whereas what you want is to be able to devolve responsibility for some tasks.

Your best way forward probably does involve a list though. Sit down together and list all the chores, and split responsibility for each. Then let him get on with his. Make sure he knows you signed up to be an equal partner, not his manager.

Yes he would do more if I wrote the list. I just don't want to and I don't see why it should be something for me to do.

I am certainly not one to micromanage chores. I have very basic standards and I don't care how things are done.

He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much
He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

So
you used to be in charge and didn't mind it
you want to change who does what
he has asked for help and you refuse to give it.

I think YABabitU. Why don't the pair of you get together and write the his'n'hers lists? So not a list from you, nor initiative from him, but collaborative teamwork.

He he likes lists, why can't he write it?

YANBU. If he's a bit disorganised and needs a list to guide him, fine. But why should you be the one to write it for him?! He's an adult, he's perfectly capable of going through the house, room by room, and making his own list of what tends to need doing on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Having read many threads in Relationships it seems perhaps that he's yet another man who subconsciously thinks housework is women's work and therefore you are in charge of it. He's happy to help you though provided you supervise. This book is often mentioned as worth reading.

I'm not sure about the "not" noticing argument either. I can easily live in a mess for a while (I live alone BTW); it's not that I don't notice the washing up needs doing or the floor needs sweeping, just that I don't like housework so I tell myself I'll do it later. I wonder if he's like that? Besides, you'll do it if he doesn't, right?

YANBU He is still putting you in the position of "being in charge" of housework.

Any adult can see when dishes need washing for example. You are not expecting him to do some unusual cleaning jobs, just ordinary everyday stuff that everyone should be doing.

storm thank you, I will look up that book at the library. That is exactly my point, creating the list is a chore and as you say it will continue to be 'my chore' while he is following 'my list'

I agree. I actually think this is a very important battle. Don't make him a list.

I can't quite get my head round a situation where someone's reluctant to help someone get their head round organising tasks (on request) but sees no problem with making suggestions about what they might feel relevant to discuss in therapy

op you are probably tired and emotional .and looking for things to support your view is probably making things worse .I would just make your list .and to be honest .be thankfull he helps .because while my husband is a great father always been willing to help with boys .housework .forget it he is proud he has never ironed in his life .

This thread is odd, to me.

You're saying he is a clean and tidy person who's lived alone. You're saying he'd do the stuff if there were a list (and I envy you here, cos much as I love DH, one of the things that drives me barking is that he'd love to think a list would make him do stuff, but it doesn't).

Have you talked to him about this, other than establishing he'd like the list? I'm trying to imagine how he explains that he knows what to do, and he knows how to do it (and I assume he knows how to write), but he can't do it until you write things down? Seriously, ask him what he thinks will be different if he has a list. Does he know that you think his own place he had before you got together was tidy by your standards?

(Sorry, that came out rudely. I don't mean you're odd, I'm just finding it strange because often, when people say 'I need a list' what they mean is 'I am not tidy, I have no clue, and I'm unlikely to do it right'. And you seem confident it's not that.)

april, sounds as if you're married to a wanker.

Don't normalise it for other people, though.