To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

[Frecklefeet]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself

allhail no frankly we don't all have mental health issues like we don't all have cancer.

Your post is disgraceful.

Can I say this as a woman who DOES NOT see things.

I don't see them because they don't bother me and it needs loads of repeated reminded by my (poor) dp until they are firmly on my radar.

I'm willing to do more (i.e. things that don't bother me but him, especially if I am causing them ) because he is willing to help me out. Repeatedly pointing things out me without getting angry. If he asked me to take over something that he normally did, especially if it didn't bother me, I asked for clarification or indeed a list and he told me to just SEE things, my response would be a resounding fuck off.

TBH it's not like the op's dh is refusing te help, my understanding is he wants to help her in a way that is most useful to her. It's a case of mutual support and it would take the op 10 minutes to rattle off a reusable weekly and daily list that needs doing.

Again, with him 'helping' her. It's their house. Their joint house. Why is he helping her? Why do people just not get it?!

And thebody - allhail's post is 'disgraceful'...?

Why...?

Several people have said "why don't you talk to him, discuss it like grown-ups?" The OP has been back several times and has not addressed this point

I thought I had addressed it. The reason is that I am tired and don't want to waste energy discussing it. I also don't want to be the 'leader' in initiating the discussion.

Fwiw dh has sorted out his own list and we haven't discussed it, which I am happy about.

I do think the ptsd may be relevant for him with regards to background noise/household ' chaos', but I think he needs to find solutions to deal with this just as I don't sort him out with regards to associated problems he has when working. I haven't mentioned this to him either, but I think I will at some stage. He did struggle with noise issues when ds was born and he probably always will but he still manages to be a good dad and does more childcare than most dads I know.

To add, one of the reasons I don't want to discuss it is because we do have to discuss day to day things a lot more than most couples I suspect, due to ptsd, and I already have to do a lot of organising.

At the moment the big one is organising the hospital labour /childcare situation and then the first newborn month situation, which have fallen to me as naturally I am in the centre. It does get quite draining when you have to organise these things in detail.

I figured the housework issue was one thing he could research himself and organise himself.

I totally get the talking / organising / discussing / negotiating fatigue. Glad this seems to be going somewhere though.

thebody - It is an exaggeration to say everyone has MH issues, but lots of people do. Many of them never let on. No one at my work knows anything about my problems and most of my wider family don't either. I also don't know why you think you are qualified to blithely state, repeatedly, what is worse than what, as pregnancy hits everyone in different ways. I don't know what you think is disgusting about my post except it punctures your halo of sacred martydom that you want to place around these things, because someone arsey on the internet has illness too. sorry, you may not like me but if you want to think of people who battle MH issues as noble beleaguered heroines, you will have to include me in that. But it's not exactly an exclusive group. there are millions of us.

buffy stop frothing. I agree completely with you thebody

Frothing? Really?

If you don't have a real argument there are better put downs than cappucino foam.

allhail all of your posts are becoming more ridiculous by the minute.

Which bits, InSpace? Is it ridiculous that I have MH issues but do a good job at work and at home anyway? Or is it ridiculous that lots of other people do the same?

No, allhail just the general sanctimonious arrogant tone of all your posts. Nothing to do with MH, which, incidentally, I have lots of experience with

I'd like to know why allhail's posts are more ridiculous by hte minute.

I can't spot the ridiculous bits in them, could you kindly point them out explaining why they are ridiculous?

I just did explain

Yes, cross posted.

You've just declared that her posts are sanctimonious and arrogant, which is a subjective opinion as I don't find that at all.

So it's not the actual content you've criticised, more the tone.

Jesus, can I just whine "I have an anxiety disorder! I have addiction issues! I have depression!" every time I want not to bother with something (or - even when I feel I genuinely can't cope with something) will it make any difference? (no. I will lose my job and my dp will be off with me till I am better.) Like I said, who the fuck doesn't have their cross to bear?

That's very worrying that your DP would ditch you if you were having a hard time instead of supporting you and helping you get the help you need.

But if you knew that there were simple things your DP could very easily do that would help you to cope, wouldn't you ask for them? Like let you have down time away from DCs after work or at least being a lifeline so if you have a panic attack he will know he can help get you out of there for a moment while you collect yourself?

It helps me know that I have a lifeline if I get overwhelmed. It doesn't mean I slack on what needs to be done on my end. It just means if I need a reasonable accommodation so that I can do that, I have it. For example I let my bosses know that I work better if they send me an email or some sort of visual of what they need done instead of popping by my desk or giving me a phone call. Sometimes I do phone calls if that's what they prefer. But if I'm having a rough day, I may not scribe their instructions accurately and get the details wrong (or in my case take their instructions too literally).

If you have anxiety you could request a flexible schedule so you can plan your days better or take days off if you need. But you'd still do the same job.

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with asking for reasonable accommodations to help you function better. A simple list is not an unreasonable accommodation.

I do hope you get the help you need, its not normal to feel that overwhelmed. Can you see a GP?

allhail just because you have no support doesnt mean that other people shouldnt have it. I am sorry that your DP is off with you when you are ill, thats not how it should be and I suspect that you think that this is normal. It isnt. A loving partner would be there for you, write lists (!) if you needed it, help you in formulating a way to restructure your professional life so it is more manageable.

You seem to be projecting on the basis that "I dont have help, why should he?!"

Thanks, Princess, interesting stuff there to think about with work. Don't want to de-rail this one (any more than I have!). But thanks for the suggestions. I have never thought about asking to work in a different way, except, I fought hard to work for one day from home after having dcs (not mentioning illness but the statutory requirement that parents can reflect flexible working). It really, really helps.

It's ok askbasil, I find the content ridiculous too

OP, I am crap at housework dh is much better, but we share the work.
I would be grateful for a list and really pull my weight if dh said what he wanted me to do.
Sometimes its not seeing that the job needs doing, but how often and to what standard.
If you want the extra help, and I say help as you said you expected more than usual, which I don't blame you for, why not give him a list if it gets the job done.
No you shouldn't have to and nor should my dh have to either.
We are all different and have different skills.

allhail I dont mean to sound unsympathetic (I am, I have MH issues too) just that I am shocked at how you describe your life when you are ill. Your DP should be supporting you, not being off with you and the fact that you just accept that is actually quite upsetting.

Bogey, it isn't that I don't think the OP's DH should have help, or anyone should have it. It is more a case of the fact that as a family he seems to think he has the right to her personal resources and I don't think being ill gives him that right. (Not in itself, although of course sometimes things are different and extreme.)

Honestly, and I could be wrong about this because what do I know about this case, but on a statistical basis, I would guess that he considers himself entitled to these resources not because he is ill but because she is a woman. The OP herself doesn't seem to think this is really about his illness and she knows better than us.

I use myself an example only because I am a case I know about who does not consider illness to mean I have carte blanche to do what I like with other people's time.

anyway sorry to go on about myself. This thread is not about me. thank you to the people who are being nice, and to the people who think I am "ridiculous" - none of you have come up with any substantive argument about that, so I am not upset by a bunch of small minded people basically pointing and sniggering with nothing more substantial to say. (I am imagining you all with curlers and Hilda Ogden pinnies, standing on scrubbed steps and muttering and gossiping. Have fun, dears)