To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

[Frecklefeet]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself

www.selclene.co.uk/clientpaperwork.pdf

Page 3 of this PDF from my cleaning company has a tick list of jobs. Don't expend any energy writing lists: print a load of these off and tick away.

One extra bonus is that when he sees the sheer number of tasks that could be done he'll realise how much you already manage to do.

Buffy It doesnt annoy me that sometimes H needs help organising jobs anymore than it annoys him that I do.

What does annoy me is passive aggressive people saying "I am not in charge, I am not going to manage you, you need to organise yourself!" then fuming and criticising because I dont do it their way, despite me never being told what their way is. My mother is like this, and it is horrible to live with. People like this set you up to fail because no matter what you do, if it wasnt what they would have done in the way they would have done it, you are in the wrong.

Just write the fecking list, with appropriate discussion with him, and move on. As a PP said, this has nothing to do with housework and everything to do with winning an argument. Pathetic.

Absolutely, Buffy.

I sometimes think DH and I need a list. We often end up with the kitchen cleaned twice and the bathroom not done...

There is nothing pathetic about resolving issues in your relationship that affect how you feel about yourself, your partner and your marriage. Papering over them only builds resentment which is a relationship killer anyway. The OP's genuine feelings (feelings shared by many others) are not pathetic.

H does the washing up everynight and it drives me mad. He takes a good hour and a half to do it, and we have a dishwasher!

Things started coming out dirty so I cleaned out the dishwasher and it seemed ok but he decided to give things a wash in the sink first and then just rinse them in the DW (seemed pointless to me but there you go). So now he is in there for ages, and I do sometimes want to shout "Just bung them in the fecking DW!!" but it is his job and he can do it his way. I can take it over myself if I want it done differently but I dont care that much :o so I let him get on with it.

I genuinely dont understand the way that some people would rather make a point over something ridiculously inconsequential and damage a relationship in the process, than accept that each partner has strengths and weaknesses and work within or around them.

I know what you mean, I ask my husband to help and he says what needs doing? I say well look round the house but he doesn't get it, tbh I think he is just wanting me to say foget it I will do it and most of the time I do.

He's not taking on everything the op does so how hard is it for him to say
Ok
I'll take on the washing up and do it after every meal I'm here as that means you don't have to stand up for too long
I'll empty the bins because they're heavy and I'll make sure they go out the night before collection.
I'll put a load of washing on each morning
Etc
Even if there are little details he misses if he's doing more than normal then the op is freer to do those bits at her leisure. All of those things are completely obvious and if he can hold down a job he can see the obvious.

No list is needed for the basics and if one is he can write it himself (I write my own, I like the satisfaction of crossing off)

What an interesting thread - I think I may have changed my mind about 3 times reading it. I am a very untidy person and my ex was very tidy. I would do all the obvious stuff (washing dishes, clothes - washing/hanging/putting away) and so on and he would do the stuff that would never occur to me (dusting, washing the floor and so on) and it seemed to work for us. My DP is untidy so we are a bad combination but he works part time and does all of the washing and a lot of the other stuff and I have instigated a "tidying up hour" on the weekend when we pick the room that looks the worse and both do a hour together of clearing it up.

hippie I agree that resolving issues are very important. What is pathetic is deliberately leaving issues unresolved in order to win an argument and be able to say "See, I was right!".

This issue could be so easily resolved but it would involve the OP meeting him halfway which she seems determined not to do. Why would you do that?

Buffy dont you see that by saying "I want these [XYZ] jobs doing" then she had put herself in charge? Like I said, she wants it doing but she doesnt want to discuss it and help him organise himself. She cant have it both ways. As a PP said, what if she cleans the bathroom and then he does it too and no one does the kitchen? Who will be in the wrong there? Him for not doing the kitchen, I bet ya!

I think the best way is to make a list together and divvy up the workload.
Its not your job to manage the house/supervise him (ad write the list for him), should be a team effort.
If you do a list together then ii should help him to see that there is quite a lot to do in running a home.
My DH was hopeless in all matters domestic. We are now separated. I felt like an unpaid/unappreciated housekeeper. So I agree it is an important issue.

Bogeyface but the issues could also be easily resolved by her DH writing his own list if that's the way he prefers to organise himself. Why is it the up to the OP to easily fix it? Why can't he easily fix it?

Too many people looking to prove a point.

He's asking for direction, so that he can absolve himself of thinking about it.

Is he? Or are we reading what we want to into the situation?

Re-write the scenario with 'MIL' for 'DH'. If MIL 'took the initiative' to dust then would OP think it was helpful or an implied criticism? If MIL did everything then would she be marvelous or 'taking over'? You can read all sorts into situations.

For goodness sake stop seething and just communicate. And carry on communicating as the situation changes!

for some of us, the burden of domestic work on top of all the other things we have to do, when our partners are being lazy and abdicating their responsibility, isn't inconsequential at all.

Then you have bigger issues than who does the ironing (no one in my house actually!). But I am answering the OPs Q and not assuming anything into her relationship that she hasnt posted about. She said she expects him to know, he said that he doesnt so could she tell him, she said no. As has already been pointed out, the time she took with all her research and posting on here she could have written the list 10 time over, job done. [shrugs]

Lets put it another way. You need to drive somewhere for the good of the family. You know vaguely where you are going and your OH knows exactly. You ask him to give you directions and he says no because you should know and if you dont know then figure it out. How would you react to that? He doesnt want to tell you because he doesnt want to manage you and be in charge, especially when you are capable of working it out for yourself. Its true, you are, but would it have killed him to tell you? No, and because he didnt there is bad feeling all round. Eventually you find the route and get there so the job is done, but how much easier it would have been for him to write you directions.

YANBU and I can't believe the number of people on here saying that you are. Just because men doing fuck all housework is the norm, doesn't mean it is right. "Be grateful for the help you get" - it's not HELP if it's THEIR house and THEIR dirty clothes and dishes and THEIR DC.

In terms of a solution I would suggest a) you stop doing anything for him within reason b) get him to find or write a list himself c) do a rota for both of you and do it together - my DH was OK but until we went through this process it was still me 'managing' and 'delegating'

Also a cleaner is great but it's not a solution - a cleaner isn't going to do your daily laundry, load and unload the dishwasher every night or tidy up your paperwork.

Perhaps he's just looking for a list of chores you are finding particularly difficult this far along in pregnancy? I had terrible SPD and really found going up and down the stairs hard- so DH would bring the clothes down from upstairs, I would wash dry iron and fold, then he would be responsible for putting things away in respective bedrooms. He wouldn't have thought to do that unless I asked him- doing the dinners and bathing our 1 yr old yes, but seemingly simple stuff no.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your DH to take initiative and know what needs doing. However living on your own and taking care of others is different. On your own you have no choice but to do it all yourself. When you live with others there is an expectation that adults will do their fair share- the details of that are what causes arguments.

In the end you have asked him to do more, he asked asked you to make a list of what that more is. Both are reasonable requests that shouldn't cause this much contention.

Good thing you're immune to that, eh, coffee. Must be lovely to be naturally right all the time and yet never wish to prove your point.