To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

[Frecklefeet]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself

OP, have you actually spelled this out to him?

Have you said "I want you to do XYZ please" rather than the vague "more" that you are asking for. If your boss asked you to "do more" I am sure you would ask for clarification of what that actually meant, and not accept a bollocking if your boss refused to tell you and then got snotty because you didnt do what they wanted you to!

Only read the OP but I sympathise.

My DH is like this. I can ask and ask and ask for things to be done. I may as well just not talk. But if I write a list up on the board or write it and dump it on his chest when he is sat down, they will actually get done.

Pisses me right off that I need to do that though.

Or a list that goes:

Keep the place clean
Keep the place tidy
Cook the tea

I haven't given him a bollocking or been snotty! As I said I don't want to be his manager so why would I want to do either of those things. I've just said I don't want to write a list of chores for him to follow as I want him to use his initiative.

If your boss asked you to "do more" I am sure you would ask for clarification of what that actually meant, and not accept a bollocking if your boss refused to tell you and then got snotty because you didnt do what they wanted you to!

But she's not his boss. She shared his domestic space. Just because she doesn't have a penis doesn't mean she gets a compensatory vacuum cleaner.

I will send him an email to sort out his own list and a link to that wifework book.

Seriously? Is that how communication works in your house?

Well clearly the boss thing was an analogy. I was merely pointing out what a woolly phrase "do more" is. I would be asking "Well what do you mean?" if someone said that to me no matter who it was.

I get the feeling that he wont be able to get it right no matter what he does. If he asks he is being lazy and not using his initiative and when he does do more then it isnt the right thing. Dont you see that by telling us what you expect him to do but not telling him you are being deliberately awkward? Just tell him, he doesnt, everyone is happy!

I simply dont get the fuss about this! Nearly 150 messages, lots of wasted time on your part, for the sake of saying "Could you do [insert jobs here] please?" Seems utterly pointless.

just tell hin, he DOES IT sorry autofill!

He has PTSD and you're surprised he has organizational issues? It probably doesn't occur to him to keep chores at the front of his head. If he's in the kitchen he could be more focused on the noises and the backdoor creaking than the dishes on the sink.

If he was NT I'd say yes, make him use his head. But he's not. He will have PTSD the rest of his life. Give him a break and make him a list so that he has a visual reminder of what you want done.

Otherwise, if you say do more and he pointlessly say organizes the DVD shelves, you can't get upset that your expectations didn't line up.

On a personal note, I am very much out of sight out of mind type of person. So if I am not in the bedroom where the laundry baskets are, I don't think to do them. A little reminder to just do the laundry and I'm happy to do it. Otherwise it gets done on my clock, and not DH's.

But chore organization for therapy. If this were switched and you were a man saying this about your wife that you asked her to talk about chores with her shrink, you'd be boiled in oil for it.

And as for sending him a link to that book, words fail me.

Why not just wait until the kids are in bed and explain how you feel and work it out between you? You are being so passive aggressive it is unbelievable!

YANBU obviously. He should see what needs doing too. Some people are so fussy about exactly how a task should be done that the other person feels they cannot just do what they see (my mum for example has go at my dad if he doesn't do everything exactly her way) but you don't sound like that.

Perhaps the best thing would be to say let's discuss before baby arrives how things are going to work going forward. Then have a discussion about the jobs that will need doing and a way of dividing them up fairly. This should be collaborative and not just you handing over a list of chores for the day which puts the onus of house management on you. You can include stuff like managing finances as well if that could be handled more fairly.

Yes because refusal to communicate effectively with your husband is always the mans fault. FFS

We work generally, better under instruction some more than others.

We send emails all the time. Doesn't mean lack of communication at all.

Yanbu.

You've just written a clear list of all the things you'd like him to do more to show us. Why don't you send him that instead of a link to a general household chores list?
Surely would be easier and quicker, then it's job done ?!

Just send something along the lines of

'The things I'm finding hard are all the bending and stretching ones could you do those please? Picking up crap-- toys, hoovering, cleaning floors and showers, you know the sort of thing. Please do carry on with the cooking :). I can probably cope with the laundry for the minute.'

Then go all enthusiastic and send him a link to Flylady if feeling twee, or Unfuck Your Habitat if more that sort.

'Look! I found a list! They're a bit bonkers but it might help?'

It would serve OP right if, next time she comments on a job not done, he says "Sorry, but I thought your priority was for me to read that book."

LRD THE FEMINIST DRAGON .you have a lovely way with words .are you single by any chance .

Of course she is. Didn't you know all feminists are embittered hairy-legged viragos who secretly yearn for a Real Man to get them to cast aside all their silly ideas?