To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

[Frecklefeet]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself

In the end you have asked him to do more, he asked asked you to make a list of what that more is. Both are reasonable requests that shouldn't cause this much contention.

Totally agree.

Just tell him what you've told us, that you don't want to be responsible for it all, including writing and managing a list. Unfortunately lots people think home management comes more naturally to the partner, he's probably not meaning to be lazy. Try not to make a big issue out if it.

Actually I said that refusing to help someone in order to win an argument was pathetic, not the OP. The action is, not the person, and I stand by that.

Sometimes a point is worth proving.

bogey, be fair, that's really not what she's doing.

Her initial feeling was that he was asking her to do a big job, which was counterproductive if he's meant to be stepping up. She was surprised to find so much on the net that agreed with him and she's asking us.

She's not saying 'right, I refuse utterly to write this list, and I will rub his nose in it if the bastard ever asks again!'

I also think refusing to do anything for him would be a ridiculous overreaction and a quick route to the divorce courts

But if he's looked after himself, how does he not know what the "more" is?

Or Op can just say, vacuum/dust every other day as well as what you do fo example?

Btw I was responding to Tondelayo's post

Just one last point. I hate jobs like cutting grass and emptying bins. Hubby always does it. If he suddenly asked me to do it all, I'd want a list in case I missed stuff. Not lazy at all.

Just sit down together and work out what needs doing and who is going to do it.

It's not a case of writing him a list but of working together to sort out a good split of the jobs that need doing.

No need to make this a mountain out of a molehill. Which is what you are doing.

If she asked him to do everything I would understand being upset that he would need a list.

Being asked to do more is vague, therefore a list of those things could be understandable just so everyone is on the same page as to what is being expected.

diddl When H moved in with me I helped him clean his rental before he left. It was clear that his skirting boards had never seen a duster, so that would be one of the things that he would never have thought about doing. I on the other hand never clean behind my fridge which my friend does on a weekly basis (why?!) so we all have different "must do" jobs. He is asking for clarifcation of what she considers to be "must do". I dont think that is BU. But expecting him to see things exactly as she does without even discussing it with him is U.

I just think that at 36 weeks pregnant the OP shouldnt be making such a big deal out of this. They have to get through the newborn stage soon, that is hard enough without bad feeling over the light fittings not being dusted (or whatever!). Do the necessary (in this case writing the list), get it over with and prepare for the onslaught of sleepless nights. I agree that it would be better if they did it together, but even that is U according to some on here!

"If he suddenly asked me to do it all, I'd want a list in case I missed stuff."

But you could make your own list, though?

why don't you ask HIM to write a list of all the jobs he thinks need to be done around a house.

Because I bet he knows. Once he comes to try to write it all down. I bet it comes to him!

He can then use his list, and his brain, to work it all out himself.

bogey - but, if I'm reading her right, she's already said she's perfectly happy with his standard of cleaning/tidying ... it's not one of those situations where there's a mismatch.

Though, it is possible he doesn't completely believe this, in which case he needs reassuring.

Well I suppose a list for me would be of stuff I didn't get round to very often.

Clean out the fridge/oven/kitchen cupboards.

But the basic day to day stuff I'd expect him to just pick up the slack, which I thought was what OP wanted.

Get him to look up any of the numerous sites about housework and so on, like wot someone said above. That'll give him a perfectly good list.

Can't believe such a mountain is being made out of a molehill.

The OP has said that the DH would do the chores if the list was written.... So write the list. All this time spent researching whether you are right or wrong (and in turn probably winding yourself up into a frenzy)

To suggest that you intervene in your DHs counselling over something like this is mind boggling. His sessions are for PTSD not the ins and outs of list writing.

Sorry that first bit should read...

The OP has said that the DH would do the chores if the list was written.... So write the list. All this time spent researching whether you are right or wrong (and in turn probably winding yourself up into a frenzy) the list could have been written numerous times over.

No I would never just stop doing things to prove a point.

That seems like a huge effort as well and i am looking at reducing my efforts around the home.

So I just keep on doing the basics, standards have dropped and I can't understand why he can't see this for himself and take over. That is why I'm annoyed.

Things he does do are basic tidying and hoovering if ds and I are out somewhere and he's home on the weekend. He also clears away after he cooks (although I do cook more often than him). He cleaned the shower a few days ago as well (it really needed it as I hadn't cleaned it for a couple of months) so he does notice some things. I mainly want him to do more sweeping, toy picking up, wiping up after ds etc. I've told him I'm happy to do more of the washing up and the laundry as I don't find these physically difficult.

I also want him to organise dinner and cook every evening when I'm working as he still sometimes expects me to have this sorted, as I do more of the grocery shopping

Anyway this thread has made me feel better, I will send him an email to sort out his own list and a link to that wifework book. Although that list of household chores someone posted a page or so back made me I don't do much of what is listed on there at all!

"It is about looking around and seeing washing that needs to be put on or put away, toys that need picking up, crumbs that needs sweeping, dishes that need clearing and washing..."

Which he surely does atm when he's not at work anyway??

So just more of that if OP isn't going to be doing as much?

To suggest that you intervene in your DHs counselling over something like this is mind boggling

Couldnt agree more. I have had PTSD and if H decided that I should discuss my housework standards as part of my counselling my response would have been a resounding FUCK OFF.

I was a total basket case in all my pregnancies, I made the most ridiculous fuss of stupid things, so I hope that is all this is because tbh it is coming across that the OP doesnt think much of her DH at all.

YANBU!
My DH is the SAHP (he does work a few hours and until very recently was working on a degree); I WOH three days and make up the other hours of a fulltime job on evenings; I also have a few hours weekly on a PT job - so I am swamped.
I have always been the one who 'keeps track' and it drives me absolutely insane. He wants to be given a list and in fairness he does try to do 'his share' and when it comes to the sort of 'regular chores' he is very very good - but when it comes to planning ahead or taking initiative, he's not so good.
I know this is who he is, and how we work together, and so we try to strategize - having weekly chats about what is coming up and how we will go about dealing with it - but it still gets to me. My mind is overflowing at present, and my energy levels are so low, and I would love to feel that I could just turn off for a bit and not have to be the one who makes the list.