To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

[Frecklefeet]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself

I don't want to have to write lists either, but chose to base my life on reality and making the best if it. Therefore I will write lists.

Tbh though, I needs lists to organise myself so it would be very hypocritical of me to assume my husband can do without.

He manages to work as an employee very well. Also does some self employment (which he manages everything himself perfectly fine).

ilovesooty since he has started counselling we have had a lot of discussions about looking at actions/thoughts/behaviours from different perspectives and how his past has impacted this etc. Is this inappropriate for us to be discussing? We have been together for over a decade and know each other very well.

You certainly shouldn't have to write a list, but you might find it helps in the long run. How about if you both sit down and make a 'timetable'. I stuck ours on the fridge until DH had got into the routine, then took it down.

Senua makes a good point.

You want to move the goalposts (with good reason, no criticism from me there!) and he is just asking for a bit of assistance in sorting out what he should be doing.

I do think that you are expecting a certain amount of mind reading here. I can envisage a situation where he is feeling that he has done something by doing the washing up and then getting the cold shoulder because you would have rather he'd hung the washing out.

It sounds like you dont want to be see as the one in charge but you do want things done your way. You cant have both!

Marriage is a partnership, so work as a partnership and help him write the damn list. Job done, his jobs done, everyone is happy. I do not believe that this is a gender issue at all, but an organisational one. As I said above, I am the one in this house that needs to be told sometimes, I need to be managed and organised as I lose track and get distracted. Some people are just like that, it really doesnt seem worth causing marital disharmony and bubbling resentment over 10 minutes with pen and paper.

If you do the list and he still doesnt pull his weight, well then yes, you have an issue.

I don't think you should write him a list. What is he, 12?

OP look up Wifework and give it to your DH to read!

You're right, by requesting a list of chores to do your husband is delegating all the thinking and management of the household to you meaning that while you might not be doing the cleaning you're still responsible for it getting done!

Ask him to write the bloody list and say you'll go through it together and discuss how often things need doing.

DH and I got to exactly this point and I ended up saying I'm not going to do everything, I point blank refuse to manage you like some kind of employee so we're going to outsource.
Now we have a cleaner twice a week and we never ever argue about cleaning. It is £25 each which is a lot but I would much rather pay for this than a few drinks down the pub.

Lrd I don't really know why he wants a list and have asked and he says he just wants to be organised and he wants to see what needs doing, yet my argument is that he only needs to open his eyes and look around! I think he is being lazy and passing the 'responsibility' onto me. He would do the chores if I wrote a list, but I don't want to be organising him.

Ask him to write the list! And then you can go through it together (adding anything you think is missing) and divide up the chores.

It must be annoying, but then your online research to prove you are right, as you put it makes you sound like hard work. If he has been brought up by a woman who looked after everything he may not have learnt all this house stuff. You could write the list to prevent stress, arguments and to make like easier and more harmonious for both of you or you could tell him you are right and argue about it all the time, feeling pissed off with him and no doubt he will feel the same way about you.

Make a list together. I often make lists for myself, but DH and I do have differing standards and the problem with two people each using their initiative is that they will have different standards and will assume the other person is going to do certain things, that is the way to resentment. I had an operation a couple of years ago and DH had to take over the whole lot, he managed but his standards were somewhat different to mine and I just had to bite my tongue.

An every day example for us is the washing up in the evening. I might look at it and think "that needs doing now". DH might look at it and think "that needs doing before breakfast tomorrow". Neither are wrong but they seem it to the other person. So it needs to be discussed and agreed.

I think I will tell him to look up a list of common chores off the internet and then he can go through them and delete the ones we never do (like ironing!) and then he can stick in on the bloody fridge solution!

I would love a cleaner but we can't afford that at the moment, I will be looking for one once this baby is in nursery and I can increase my hours though.

For heaven's sake woman, write the blasted list; all the time you have spent 'researching' on the internet and replying to all these posts could have been spent much more productively having a peaceful rest with your feet up. It took me thirty years to 'learn' how to put air in car tyres; so much simpler to play the helpless female and let someone else get their hands dirty.

Agree with Stormybird 100% - YADNBU and I also can't believe that people think it's reasonable for a wife to have to write a list for her husband to know what needs doing around the house!

My approach is - you are a team, you're not the household manager and he is not kindly helping you out with things that are your sole responsibility - you should be working together, as equal partners with equal responsibility.

By all means go with a list - all the comments about lists being useful are valid - but it's not your responsibility to produce that list. Like Stormybird said, sit down together, draw up a master plan/checklist for household management together - every little task that needs doing, how often it should be done. Then assign areas of responsibility. Then look after your areas of responsibility and expect him to do the same.

A cleaner is a great solution and when things calm down after the baby you could split areas of responsibility for the long term like buffy suggests.

Roshbegosh, but he could write the list to prevent stress, arguments and to make life easier...!

I just dont see the issue here.

He doesnt see the same jobs that you see, so write a list and then he will see them.

Sometimes housework is a feminist issue but I dont see that it is in this case. You want him to do his share but refuse to help him get his head organised about it, talk about setting him up to fail!

And why should your standards and requirements be the ones that get met? He doesnt see certain jobs need doing because they dont matter to him so either accept that they wont get done, do it yourself or ask him to do them. You say that you dont want to be in charge but by demanding he does the jobs you deem important, you are putting yourself in charge but in a very passive aggressive way. "If you dont know then I am not going to tell you" is childish and pointless.

YABVU to say 'chores' given that you don't otherwise sound like you're from the US. Of course, if you are actually American then fair enough - I apologise. Otherwise, it's housework. As to whether you should tell him what housework to do then yes, if he's too dense to work it out for himself then of course you should do so, though naturally it's a pity that it should come to that.

The rights or wrongs of whether he needs to right a list aside, he feels he does not know. He may see stuff that needs doing - he maynot. He may see the stuff, but wants to be the biggest help to you - and do stuff you are finding most annoying/tiring/impossible to do. Yes it may feel irritating - but maybe try and see good intent. And then...make him do it! ie.. sit down with him and write the list together. What can we both see needs doing? Right. On the list it goes. There maybe stuff that you want to continue doing/feel is only fair you can keep doing.

Allow yourself to be irritated - but do not let it stop both of you moving forward. Assume good intent.

This is a guy who lived alone before and was very tidy and clean!

I don't get why a lot of people are telling the op to write a list.

I tend to write a list of "things that need to be done" not a list of "things I would like you to do".

I am better at some things, DH is better at others. I like certain things done in a particular way, and likewise DH has his things he's quirky about.

Above all, we talk about it regularly, the most important issue being that if I go out in the evening (running club usually) that it's meant to be TIME OFF, not time out only to come back and find the things that would have been done had I been there are still waiting to be done.

It's always changing as the children do varying clubs and our work patterns change, but if you keep talking about it then resentments don't build up.

Your reading this wrong IMO op.

You are two different people. Most people agree on basic cleaning. Eg cook then clean up, wash up, wash clothes, Hoover.

The devil is in the detail.

I've found it isn't that dh doesn't see something, it's just to him something else needs doing first. Or he thinks he did it yesterday but actually it was a week ago. Often I feel that one too! If he's asking for a list it's because he wants to do the things you want him to your way. Because you've criticised his way in his time.

You can't have it both ways. You want things done your way? You do tgem or you manage them. Otherwise your going to have to let go and see what happens another way.

He is receiving counselling for PTSD, he wants to help you around the house, he'd like some assistance in understanding what you want... and the most important thing to you is winning an argument.

Hooray for supportive partners.