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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the way we choose to live is our business!

212 replies

RecallReg · 18/05/2014 20:54

We live as self sufficiently as possible, in all respects. We have some very basic principles, we wish to have as little environmental impact as possible and value people, relationships and time with others above things and possessions. This is just what we think, we try not to impose this others and live quite quietly. We buy household things and clothes from charity shops, we recycle and re-use, we make what we can, we grow all our own veg and fruit, rear some meat and have a deal with a local farmer for the rest. We both have jobs but only work to what we need, we are not rich but we are very, very happy as are our two beautiful children.
Today we went to Sil birthday. As a present I had made her a summer type shawl, a cake, some scones and jam and some home-made wine. I had put a lot of effort into the shawl which was made from a unwanted wedding dress, so really beautiful material. Sil and other Sil got drunk and started mocking our gifts, 'why couldn't we be normal?', 'a bottle of perfume would have been better', 'did we really think others liked this sort of thing' and 'we were just weird and our children would grow up weird' 'we owed it to our children to let them grow up in the real world'. I was deeply, deeply offended by these comments, and then felt even worse when they started almost attacking us by getting very aggressive and trying to get us to justify the way we lived. I basically said what I have in the first paragraph, then we left, DH was mortified (there his sil's!) and really angry. I know they were being rude and unreasonable, but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to justify our lifestyle to others just because we choose to live differently, this is no-ones concern but ours surely?

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 21/05/2014 13:18

lowestformofwit no one is asking OP to apologise for owning land. I have no problem with people owning land but making yourself sound virtuous because you can live off it is a bit irritating.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2014 13:31

I'd feel as you do, OP. The relationship HAS been damaged and your SILs should steer clear for a bit. It doesn't really matter whether they apologise or not, what they do was something they should never have done in earshot of you/your family.

It doesn't matter if they feel uncomfortable, tell them how you feel and let them know that they've made your relationship with them 'that little bit more shit' (to paraphrase Emma Thompson in Love Actually), because they have. You can't unhear it. They need to understand that. If they really do love your family and were just being judgemental cows, they'll be honest with themselves and you. Then you might be in position to move forward but really, it's never going to be the same again. I would never, ever put so much of myself into any gift again, but if observance is important, I would pointedly provide a generic voucher for future gifts and wouldn't budge from that. They can wax lyrical over those.

How does your husband feel about what they said/did?

I'm sorry you feel sad. It is horrible of them. :(

MorningTimes · 21/05/2014 14:00

I

MorningTimes · 21/05/2014 14:02

I'm sure this has already been said, but homemade things are just so much nicer & better than mass produced products. Especially food!! People can't see that have no sense.

MorningTimes · 21/05/2014 14:02

P

TheLowestFormOfWit · 21/05/2014 14:13

When DD was born, a friend's mum made her a patchwork blanket. It's beautiful and one of the favourite presents I've ever had.

If someone made me a shawl I would be so unbelievably touched.

Caitlin17 I don't get that at all from the OP. They're in a fantastic situation and are making it work for them and their lifestyle. Good for them! None of anyone else's business.

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 21/05/2014 14:23

FoxyHarlow123, have you ever worked in a café, or in a restaurant kitchen? Or read the list of additives in supermarket cakes, etc? If we all really thought about kitchen hygiene when we ate, we'd all be demanding home-cooked food ...
I am a primary school teacher, and am frequently offered cakes, sweets etc made by the children at home Grin. I look at the grubby child, think hard about their probable home ... and eat it with enjoyment and loud thanks. Because I have good manners and I really appreciate the thought behind it. And I haven't caught anything in 12 years!

Woozlebear · 21/05/2014 14:49

To the - thankfully few- posters suggesting the op sounds a bit smug. I think that says more about you then her. Just as her sil's behaviour says more about her than about the op.

Why are people living this kind of lifestyle so often accused of being smug? If it was the other way round and the materialistic sil had given the op something expensive and conspicuously branded- ie something entirely in accordance with her own values and tastes - would she be called smug? I doubt it.

As for the sil's stuff about being 'normal' and living in the 'real world' - the real world is subjective and hugely varied. People who want you to live in the real world always mean a very narrow version of it.

eddielizzard · 21/05/2014 14:56

the damage is done unfortunately. for me it would take a long time to forget. forgive, yes. but i'd feel uncomfortable for quite a while.

i feel your pain over making something beautiful. when it's hand made and taken creativity and work, it's really special. i reserve those presents for those closest to me. i wouldn't be making anything else for her.

babybat · 21/05/2014 16:25

If anyone was that rude to me, their birthdays would be marked with Card Factory cards and poundshop gifts from then on. YANBU.

DreamingDuckling · 21/05/2014 21:08

I don't think op sounds smug at all, she is honest about being lucky and does what she can with that. Sothey are bloody lucky, does that meanthey don't deserve manners.

Caitlin17 · 21/05/2014 21:43

I'm sure this has already been said, but homemade things are just so much nicer & better than mass produced products. Especially food!! People can't see that have no sense.

Really? Homemade things are home made. They might be nicer than shop bought or they might be bloody awful. A gift of home-made biscuits for example if that's the gift the donor gives as standard to all recipients is not nicer or more thoughtful than a bottle of favourite perfume.

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