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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the way we choose to live is our business!

212 replies

RecallReg · 18/05/2014 20:54

We live as self sufficiently as possible, in all respects. We have some very basic principles, we wish to have as little environmental impact as possible and value people, relationships and time with others above things and possessions. This is just what we think, we try not to impose this others and live quite quietly. We buy household things and clothes from charity shops, we recycle and re-use, we make what we can, we grow all our own veg and fruit, rear some meat and have a deal with a local farmer for the rest. We both have jobs but only work to what we need, we are not rich but we are very, very happy as are our two beautiful children.
Today we went to Sil birthday. As a present I had made her a summer type shawl, a cake, some scones and jam and some home-made wine. I had put a lot of effort into the shawl which was made from a unwanted wedding dress, so really beautiful material. Sil and other Sil got drunk and started mocking our gifts, 'why couldn't we be normal?', 'a bottle of perfume would have been better', 'did we really think others liked this sort of thing' and 'we were just weird and our children would grow up weird' 'we owed it to our children to let them grow up in the real world'. I was deeply, deeply offended by these comments, and then felt even worse when they started almost attacking us by getting very aggressive and trying to get us to justify the way we lived. I basically said what I have in the first paragraph, then we left, DH was mortified (there his sil's!) and really angry. I know they were being rude and unreasonable, but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to justify our lifestyle to others just because we choose to live differently, this is no-ones concern but ours surely?

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 19/05/2014 08:20

^^That

DorisAllTheDay · 19/05/2014 08:22

Can I join the queue to be your adopted SiL please? I'd love to be able to make things but I'm utterly hopeless in the dressmaking and cooking departments. Your presents sound lovely, and even if they weren't to your SiL's taste she had no business being rude about a gift.

I don't think there's anything weird about your lifestyle. Your kids are probably going to be much better equipped to live in a globally-heated, oil-depleted future than those who have become accustomed to a plastic throwaway culture.

teaandthorazine · 19/05/2014 08:24

Oh what rubbish, PicaK - inflicting your choice on someone? It's a gift, you know, a token of thought and affection. There's no inflicting going on!

A dear friend of mine once bought me an absolutely hideous bag for Xmas, the kind of thing I would never in a million years have bought or used myself. What did I do? I smiled, hugged her, said a sincere thank you and packed it quietly away so I never had to look at it again. Anything else would have been unforgivable.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 19/05/2014 08:24

Your gifts sound wonderful. I always think that the idea of a gift is to provide the recipient with something that they wouldn't splash out on themselves. I would rarely buy a beautiful shawl, fancy jam etc. and would be so incredibly grateful to receive them, particularly in they were homemade too. I buy perfume when I run out, so it's not a real luxury to me.

Your SIL's will be full of regret and contrition very shortly.

wowfudge · 19/05/2014 08:25

Yep - rude, rude bitches. Jealous of your skills and probably embarrassed that their own lifestyles are kind of empty in comparison.

When I am asked what I would like for my birthday or Christmas I often can't think of anything and would love a homemade gift instead of yet more boring, safe toiletries. That makes me sound ungrateful and I'm not, but you get my drift.

LostMyPants · 19/05/2014 08:27

I don't get why perfume would be a better gift. Surely smells you like are so individual. The only benefit of perfume is that the recipient can sell it on if they dislike it.

teaandthorazine · 19/05/2014 08:30

A mate of mine gives me a plastic bag of homemade chocolate fudge every Xmas. It costs her pennies, makes my teeth ache with all the sugar... and it's one of my very favourite things - I look forward to it every year Grin

I think people who turn their noses up at DIY stuff lack imagination. Only worth it if it's branded, hey? How sad.

NearTheWindymill · 19/05/2014 08:32

I know exactly how you feel from the other side OP. One of DH's sisters is very alternative. Questioned if I realised what a shit DH was before I married him, calls him a capitalist bastard, has told me how boring working in the City must be, and when I used to send presents for birthdays and Xmas always sent back messages via MIL to say the glass on the photograph had broken - don't send framed photos again, the vests for baby were only 95% cotton, if I sent anything similar could I make sure in future they were pure cotton, etc.

Do I send presents any more? What do you think? Do I welcome her and her DC who have been brought up to be rivers and have freedom of expression (they are ill behaved thugs) into my home? What do you think?

The saddest thing is that in spite of all her high horse alternativism, rudeness and criticisms about our lifestyle it has never stopped her from tapping up DH at least once a year when the alternativism means the bills don't get paid. She's his sister and he transfers money; if she were mine I'd tell her to get a job.

Catmint · 19/05/2014 08:33

They sound very narrow minded, and if they hadn't been so hurtful I would feel sorry for them.

More power to your elbow, OP

Redcliff · 19/05/2014 08:33

I also think you sound great. I try and do a small home made gift with my son (we make sweets or bake biscuits) for my family at Christmas along with buying stuff from me to my family and for end of term he made some sweets and a card for his teacher. Its such a lovely idea and who hasn't been given a present that they didn't like - even my 7 year old knows you say "thank you" and leave it at that. They crossed a major line talking about your children like that.

frumpet · 19/05/2014 08:33

I have always thought the rule with presents is , you say thank you very much to the person giving it regardless of your true feelings about the gift.

You do not then slag off the gift and the person giving it, unless it is on Mumsnet Grin

Ignore them OP OR make some truly hideous homemade gifts for next time , give it some real thought and i am sure you could come up with something special for them , thinking along the lines of cunt bunting Wink

dawndonnaagain · 19/05/2014 08:37

I think your gifts sound lovely. I think your sister in law sounds greedy and rude. Ignore and don't bother giving anything in the future, she's made her feelings clear.
I am sorry you feel shit about this, I don't think you should, you should feel great that you have made a big effort and put a lot of thought into a gift for somebody else and should feel nothing but sorry for the grasping greed of the sister in law.
Now, when should I pm my address for scones and homemade jam? Grin

expatinscotland · 19/05/2014 08:37

There are some very rude people on here.

Mocking a gift is vile.

ikeaismylocal · 19/05/2014 08:40

They were extremely rude and I would have found it hard to be as gracious as you were.

I wonder if some of their reaction comes from concern for your children. I was brought up in an alternative way, a mix of feminism and general hippyness. There were times when I really really just wanted a Barbie, a happy meal and a frilly polyester dress. What I got was brown dungerees, a wooden farm and lentil soup.

Ironically I choose to bring up my son in much the same way I was brought up ( although he has a nice frilly dress) he wears gender neutral clothing, has lovely second hand wooden toys he goes to a Steiner nursery and he is given very little processed food. He is too young yo object but if when he shows a desire to have something that doesn't fit in with my ideals I will get it for him as I think it's important to let children have some control over their lifestyle.

You may well do that already, I just wonder if your sils feel worried that your children will want to be "normal" but they won't have the option.

Christmascandles · 19/05/2014 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madratlady · 19/05/2014 08:47

Your self sufficient life sounds lovely, I'm very envious. And the gifts sound wonderful. Home made gifts are extra special due to the thought and effort that went into them. Your sil is ungrateful and by the sound of it an idiot.

CoffeeTea103 · 19/05/2014 08:51

Your SIL was extremely rude. She owes you a massive apology. Regardless of whether she likes them or not she should not have said anything. Otoh homemade gifts are not to everyone's taste. I would rather not get a gift than homemade one. I would politely accept though if I got one.

rideyourbike · 19/05/2014 08:53

Your sil was very rude. Your gifts sound gorgeous, you can't beat a lovely homemade gift! Try not to take this episode to heart, these people were rude and nasty, hopefully they realise this morning.

chocolatemademefat · 19/05/2014 09:03

I love home-made cakes and scones and your shawl sounded lovely. Ignore them - how boring would it be if we were all the same. I admire your choice of lifestyle although I'm too lazy to try it myself. I don't for one minute believe people who try to make a difference are wierd - maybe the rest of us are weird for not trying harder.

MTWTFSS · 19/05/2014 09:03

"When someone says something spiteful to you, just remember: it says nothing about you but everything about them!"

Fullpleatherjacket · 19/05/2014 09:05

The gifts sound lovely and your SIL's were hideously rude.

On the upside at least you know not to waste your energies on them another time.

vichill · 19/05/2014 09:06

what absolute scumbags. their children will probably grow up to be foul airheads too whereas yours will have good hearts.

Lanabelle · 19/05/2014 09:07

next year don't get then anything. ungrateful sods

Petrasmumma · 19/05/2014 09:11

Some people have appalling manners. I hope she's not a role model for anyone impressionable....

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/05/2014 09:11

They do sound extremely rude.

However, I think giving home-made clothes is really tricky unless you've already discussed it and/or have a close relationship. Jam and scones you can eat, wine you can drink. These are disposable (and sound yummy). Giving someone something to wear, especially if they know your outlook on life, is kinda like giving them junk they can't return to a shop, will feel shit about recycling, can't throw away, and may not want to wear. Sure, you can stick it in a cupboard, but you end up with a cupboard full.

I know getting presents isn't about getting what you like, and adults smile and say thanks - but honestly, giving something that cannot easily be disposed of, when someone knows you believe in a very environmentally-friendly lifestyle, is a bit of an imposition and if it's happening repeatedly, it'd get claustrophobic.

It doesn't remotely excuse them being rude about the gifts, let alone saying what they said about your children. But I reckon you or your DH needs to say to them you're really upset (cos you obviously are) and ask if there is something they'd (sober) want to say to you, because otherwise it'll eat at you. If they're just gobshites they can make crap excuses but there's an outside chance you'll get an explanation.