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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the way we choose to live is our business!

212 replies

RecallReg · 18/05/2014 20:54

We live as self sufficiently as possible, in all respects. We have some very basic principles, we wish to have as little environmental impact as possible and value people, relationships and time with others above things and possessions. This is just what we think, we try not to impose this others and live quite quietly. We buy household things and clothes from charity shops, we recycle and re-use, we make what we can, we grow all our own veg and fruit, rear some meat and have a deal with a local farmer for the rest. We both have jobs but only work to what we need, we are not rich but we are very, very happy as are our two beautiful children.
Today we went to Sil birthday. As a present I had made her a summer type shawl, a cake, some scones and jam and some home-made wine. I had put a lot of effort into the shawl which was made from a unwanted wedding dress, so really beautiful material. Sil and other Sil got drunk and started mocking our gifts, 'why couldn't we be normal?', 'a bottle of perfume would have been better', 'did we really think others liked this sort of thing' and 'we were just weird and our children would grow up weird' 'we owed it to our children to let them grow up in the real world'. I was deeply, deeply offended by these comments, and then felt even worse when they started almost attacking us by getting very aggressive and trying to get us to justify the way we lived. I basically said what I have in the first paragraph, then we left, DH was mortified (there his sil's!) and really angry. I know they were being rude and unreasonable, but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to justify our lifestyle to others just because we choose to live differently, this is no-ones concern but ours surely?

OP posts:
Nocturne123 · 18/05/2014 21:47

Ps. Your gifts sound great!

PacificDogwood · 18/05/2014 21:48

I agree, rude is rude. And looking the gift horse in the mouth is, and always has been, rude.

And being drunk does not change personality, it just unmasks them.

Apart from the fact that I would love, love, love carefully chosen home-made presents, I think your SiLs sound terribly defensive. I think they feel your life-style choice as a criticism of theirs IYSWIM.

FWIW, I come from a working class/farming background from my father's side and 'keeping up appearances' was always much more important to his family than my mother's whose family is more middle-class. Might that have something to do with it??

Sandthorn · 18/05/2014 21:51

This really isn't about your lifestyle, and of course that's nobody's business but yours. It's just about your SIL being an unbelievable wanker! No excuse for anyone to be that vile. Ever!

I wonder if Chelsy might have bristled a bit at the insinuation in your OP that people who live differently from you don't value people and relationships above possessions. I'm sure you realise that most of us do Wink

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/05/2014 21:52

I think they sound like they are validated by their staus within society.
You can't fight against that, because in their mind, to mock you increases their worth.
I cannot see how you would suffer in any way if you just decided not to associate with them again, because of this.
I would treat them with the contempt they deserve.

They sound like shallow fools.

YellowYoYoYam · 18/05/2014 21:57

The shawl sounds beautiful. And homemade wine... mmm.

I would love to be the sort of person who was talented enough to whip up homemade gifts for loved ones. Perhaps they're a wee bit unnerved that your thoughtful gifts that you have lavished time upon put their more expensive gifts to shame? No excuse for their behaviour though.

DarkHeart · 18/05/2014 21:57

YANBU they sound awful. I am very far from self-sufficient (although love the idea) and would be delighted with the thought and effort you put into your gifts. TBH I would avoid them for ever more but appreciate that may not be entirely practical.

Purplepoodle · 18/05/2014 22:03

Bloody awful behaviour. I too wouldn't ever be able to look at them the same way again. I would play it very cool as how can you trust anyone like that.

They sound jealous tbh, I would be very envious of someone talented to make home made gifts. It's almost like the school bully's who always ripped me apart for trying hard at school ect. You get those eye rolls people who want you to be like everyone else, just picking something off the self as they feel shown up by the effort you made.

HermioneWeasley · 18/05/2014 22:04

IME being drunk just removes inhibitions - so this is what they really think of you (in vino veritas and all that). They sound horrendous. Up to you what you do next now that you know how they feel.

littlegreengloworm · 18/05/2014 22:08

Absolutely spoilt, rude, bad mannered people. The opposite to you.

I would listen to the apology but learn from this and keep away. Why in earth they acted like this is hard to understand and very spiteful and nasty :(

I woud be in no hurry to be friendly. Civil but not friendly. You out your heart into the gift, your SIL doesn't even sound like she has one,

bochead · 18/05/2014 22:13

I'm with hermioneweasly - nothing comes out but the usually carefully hidden underside of a person's character when they are drunk. That's why some people are total huggysweeties when tipsy and others get angry and aggressive.

I'd be polite in future, as you cannot avoid social functions involving family, especially where child cousins are also friends. I also wouldn't want to upset my MIL who is obviously upset by their nasty behavior.

However the cards of those nasty sils would be permanently marked as imho you got a wide open view of their true opinion of you. In future their birthday's would be marked with a generic card bought as part of a multipack in the January sales and sent by post. No more hours of toil spent making them nice pressies! Family they might be, but friends? hell no!

Even Margot off the good life or Mrs bucket would show more manners than these two did!

EdithWeston · 18/05/2014 22:13

I always find home made wine a bit suspect as a gift (mainly because it's always 10x stronger than I expect it to be!) But I think presents which someone has made are far more valuable than shop-bought.

But even if someone diesn't genuinely appreciate the presents and th time/though that went in to them, ther is no excuse htsoever to gan up and be so foully critical.

I think it is entirely understandabl that to see he relationship now as damaged, and would sympathise with reducing it to family gatherings and set piece occasions only.

ChelsyHandy · 18/05/2014 22:14

Yes, no excuse at all for aggressiveness.

And yes, even if you don't especially like a present, you pretend you do. Surely better than no present anyway?!

Flappingandflying · 18/05/2014 22:14

Well, don't bother giving them anything at Christmas. I would accept the apology with frosty british aloofness. Let them sweat a bit. I think you are perfectly within your rights to say that you were hurt and that their behaviour was boorish and rude. You will retain contact for the sake of the children but little more. Then stalk off or swirl off swishing your gorgeous shawls at them. Haughty disdain should do it.

olivespickledonions · 18/05/2014 23:13

You made her a beautiful shawl and she took the piss out of it? I am very PMT-y but that just makes me want to cry!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 18/05/2014 23:26

Also you made her tonnes of things, a shawl, a cake, home-made wine - do you want to be my SIL if you're looking for a new one!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 19/05/2014 00:07

One of my SiLs once really hurt me, when her daughter was pg with her grandchild, and I asked if she would like some hand knitted things for the baby - I meant that I was going to knit them, and ask about colours and styles and what not, but SiL just came straight out with "don't be daft, you can't palm all [my DDs] old crap off on us!"
I have never forgotten nor forgiven but can "let it go" because we are just SO different, and really, I don't truly care what they think of us - if they weren't actually related by blood to DH we would never have been friends or even acquaintances.
I think your gifts sound lovely, and so does your family lifestyle - you seem to be doing what DH and I aspire to, so just pity your SiL for her materialism, and "smile and wave" so to speak in future. Next year, bung a fiver in her card, smile extra sweetly, and say "well we remembered you didn't like the things we brought last year, but the children do so love you, so buy yourself a little something to your taste from them" and wander off gracefully and drink your lovely homemade wine all to yourselves! Grin

WilsonFrickett · 19/05/2014 00:17

I bought my beloved and now sadly departed grandmother bath salts for two Christmases in a row. She didn't have a bath. The point being that even people who love us can get present-buying badly, badly wrong. Of course she didn't say a word, because she had lovely manners. Your SIL however, does not.

Ignore her, but if she does get in touch to apologise, don't minimise how nasty she's been.

SigmundFloyd · 19/05/2014 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdTeaAgain · 19/05/2014 00:39

That's awful, I would be so hurt if someone mocked a present I'd bought let alone one I'd made myself! Yes they have certainly damaged your relationship with them. Being drunk is no excuse, it just removed their inhibitions. It sounds like they egged each other on somewhat and said things they would normally say behind your back.

Some people just don't like it when someone is different to them, it makes them question their own life choices I think. I would hazard a guess that deep down they are rather jealous of your happy, relaxed lifestyle.

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 19/05/2014 00:45

Your gifts to your SIL sound lovely, OP. I'll be happy to let you know my birthday if you fancy a more grateful recipient Wink.

Anyway, even if your gifts had been disastrous attempts at homemade items,it is polite and gracious to thank someone for giving you a gift. Homemade, shop bought, doesn't matter. To bitch about a gift someone gave you is rude, to do it in front of them is exceptionally fucking rude.

I second what PomBear says, next year fuck a fiver in a card and don't waste your time and effort making lovely gifts for someone who won't appreciate them.

joanofarchitrave · 19/05/2014 00:56

They sound a bit insecure. They couldn't 'place' your presents - i.e. they couldn't fit them onto an easily understood hierarchy (if someone buys me Yardley perfume they are cheapskates, if they buy me Chanel they're stuck up and old fashioned, if they buy me XX other brand (no idea) they're OK but not very cutting edge etc etc). That's what brands are for, to help you judge yourself and other people Sad They've become so used to judging people that they've lost any manners they originally had.

I have a friend who has perhaps a similar life, although not a farming background and from a single parent family - she is a Quaker. I have seen people almost appear to 'smell' something different about her, almost before she has spoken, and every thing about her that they find out then confirms their initial impression. I feel that they react almost in a racist/antiimmigrant way - they take her difference to be an affront or even a kind of insult to their way of life. That is their problem. Don't ever feel you have to justify your choices or explain them, or spend time with people who aren't kind to you - if people talk in that aggressive way, just tell them the truth - that this kind of questioning makes you quite uncomfortable and could they drop it - if that doesn't work, leave. As in this case, they will almost certainly be drunk anyway, so reasoning will be pretty futile.

brdgrl · 19/05/2014 01:05

Very rude.
By the way, I don't think the OP sounds smug at all. I know lots of people who make similar life choices and some can be very smug or evangelical - but OP has come across as sincere and honest.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 19/05/2014 01:25

YANBU and certainly not in the least bit smug. You sound kind and thoughtful while they are arseholes. Your gift sounds so nice; you put thought and time into it while thinking of her likes. How lovely. :) Keep on living your life and let them go stew somewhere.

P.S. Hope you took the shawl back, it sounds too good for that bitch!

aurynne · 19/05/2014 01:30

YANBU! Tell your SIL to piss off and adopt me instead!!!

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 19/05/2014 01:33

Even if they don't like it they should of kept their gobs shut. How rude and spiteful of them.