To think the way we choose to live is our business!

[RecallReg]

We live as self sufficiently as possible, in all respects. We have some very basic principles, we wish to have as little environmental impact as possible and value people, relationships and time with others above things and possessions. This is just what we think, we try not to impose this others and live quite quietly. We buy household things and clothes from charity shops, we recycle and re-use, we make what we can, we grow all our own veg and fruit, rear some meat and have a deal with a local farmer for the rest. We both have jobs but only work to what we need, we are not rich but we are very, very happy as are our two beautiful children.
Today we went to Sil birthday. As a present I had made her a summer type shawl, a cake, some scones and jam and some home-made wine. I had put a lot of effort into the shawl which was made from a unwanted wedding dress, so really beautiful material. Sil and other Sil got drunk and started mocking our gifts, 'why couldn't we be normal?', 'a bottle of perfume would have been better', 'did we really think others liked this sort of thing' and 'we were just weird and our children would grow up weird' 'we owed it to our children to let them grow up in the real world'. I was deeply, deeply offended by these comments, and then felt even worse when they started almost attacking us by getting very aggressive and trying to get us to justify the way we lived. I basically said what I have in the first paragraph, then we left, DH was mortified (there his sil's!) and really angry. I know they were being rude and unreasonable, but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to justify our lifestyle to others just because we choose to live differently, this is no-ones concern but ours surely?

These women have no manners, no imagination and no intelligence. I am the biggest swanky pants known to man but I would have bloody loved your gifts!

Your gift sounds amazing, you must have put a lot of thought and care into that gift.

It's lacks basic manners and extremely rude to make such nasty comments about a gift.

Op I have to ask how do you grow veg in the winter.

They sound a bit insecure. They couldn't 'place' your presents - i.e. they couldn't fit them onto an easily understood hierarchy

^^

This exactly. I disagree with others that their true feelings about your lifestyle have necessarily come out. I think their insecurities have come out. Your gift was thoughtful, and something they could NEVER replicate, they wouldn't have the faintest idea how to match it.

They are probably jealous as all hell of your abilities, because leading a self sustaining lifestyle means you learn a lot of very practical things. It is the jealousy and insecurity about their own lifestyles that has come out, egged on by each other, and instead of crying into their wineglasses they've became nasty, vicious drunks who tried to destroy what it was that made them feel insecure - you.

Rise above it, and move on. Depending on how charitable you feel, and how well they apologise, perhaps next time ask for some input on a homemade gift?

Fashion wise its very hard to get it 'just right'. I know I'm ultra picky on the type of yarn that I would like shawls made out of - but that's because I've knitted before and know which yarns I like 1)the look of and 2) the feel of.

But to those who are saying 'home made' gifts don't suit every home, what rubbish! There is always some sort of a home made gift that can be given to everybody.

Whether it be home made biscuits etc in the hampers, a knitted cardi or top, a home made cushion out of beautifully rich charity shop fabrics, acid etched mirror/wine glasses, hanging basket, planter box full of herbs, cat basket, wooden recipe box, etc, etc, etc. The list is endless, and SOMETHING on that list would suit EVERY home. It's just a matter of finding that something for that particular home.

OP you sound like a lovely person and your SIL was very rude, but honestly I'd be inwardly aghast if someone gave me a home made shawl. It's not something most people would like. Best to go generic or get vouchers if you're unsure of a person's taste.

YANBU, they are being cunts. This is the way DP and I would like to eventually live, currently we try to be eco-concious and economical about the way we live and bloody hell does it bug my sister, no clue why but they drive me insane. We make Christmas gifts and hampers and they just sneer at them, yet get very insulted if we don't do it Last year we couldn't afford to do gifts and I think from now on we just won't do them at all, might be the way forward for you too.

My sisters, not just sister. I have two.

Mmm. That's not quite the same, sovery. If someone buys you something, you can at least return it. And if they're buying stuff, they presumably don't have the OP's very firm views on environment and recycling.

It certainly doesn't make what they said ok, at all.

I guess I'm just wondering if the reverse AIBU would be 'SIL is always giving me home-made clothes I can't wear. She has very strong views on recycling so I would feel terrible to get rid of them, but I can't even donate them to my local Oxfam as they throw away home-made clothes and it feels like such a waste. I now have a cupboard full. What do I do?'

I doubt anyone would say 'ooh, get pissed and be a mean cunt, sounds great!' but they might say 'ah, yes, time to tactfully let SIL know her kind thought is turning you into an inadvertent hoarder'.

What planet do these people live on? The only response to a gift that is not barkingly off, e.g. bacon sandwich for Hassidic friend, is "how lovely and thoughtful. Thank you."

Nothing else will do.

What pity you were wrong-footed into explaining yourselves. In future, give them a charity goat.

WipsGlitter, we live in a very similar way. We both work, part time because I also care for my mother who has dementia as well as my DD. We do not 'play' at having a simple life; we do it. Don't quite understand what you are saying.
We grow veg, keep chickens and bees, eat very little meat, don't buy each other commercial presents, go on very few holidays and then only by train, buy clothes in charity shops, car boot sales or swap with friends ... give home-made presents/charity shop finds to friends.... What is wrong with that?
We also watch DVD's, go to the cinema (local cinema only £2.50 a ticket) and have an ipad, so DD is not going to grow up 'weird' ... or no more than most people.
Incidentally, we both have a university education and use it in our jobs as teachers.

Crazycanuck ... can't work out whether she was helpfully returning the empty bag so that you can reuse it, or rejecting the present?
I have been known to reclaim wrapping paper and present bags if I know it was getting thrown away.

They sound very unpleasant.
I don't much share your outlook and think most people do value people and relationships above possessions wether they question our consumerist society or not. But I would still appreciate such lovely gifts and that wouldn't stop me being friends with you at all. You have to be pretty narrow minded to attack someone because of their lifestyle. A person is much more than what they believe in!
I don't think I could forget easily. Good luck, you must feel really sad.

Wow thanks all, wasn't expecting so many responses.
Ican we have a poly tunnel and grow so much in summer that we store lots into winter - Seymours 'Self Sufficiency for dreamers and realists' is our bible on this stuff!

LaBelle we are very similar to you, I teach and DH maintains old houses and wood joinery. We are certainly not completely off the grid, our children watch tv, will have technology when they are older etc. It is the mass consumerism and capitalism we reject, we don't believe it is long term good for society or the environment, but we perfectly accept that we are in a minority here.

I have had two very, very apologetic phone calls this morning, sil whose birthday it is says she can barely remember what she said and is really, really sorry. Other sil was equally as humble. Hopefully I'll feel better abot it soon and we can all move on. I will consider my gift choices for them more carefully in the future. I am hurt though, I take on board what people said above about the shawl, I suppose though I was quite excited to give it to her, I had worked really hard on it and started 2 months ago. It was a 'big' birthday for her so I wanted to do something special and can't believe I got it so wrong. She did say this morning that she loved it, but I don't know if I believe her. Will just move on and keep my head down for a while with them I think.

I also take on board about what some people said about sounding smug or judgemental of others. I think it can easily come across like that, I think as we are'alternative' people often ask about what we keep, rear etc and how we live. By telling people you are automatically saying we do this because we think it is best, therefore implying what others do may not be best. I really try to avoid sounding like this, but accept it can and probably does happen more than I realise but it is never, never by intention.

I get what wips is saying, I've come across a lot of people like that. They can be insufferably smug about their lovely lifestyle and be somewhat blind to the fact that their family's wealth makes it possible.

I'm not sure it's relevant to either the OP or you Labelle (or me come to that, yy to veg, chickens, rearing pigs, charity shop, home made gifts etc etc) but I think wips was asking to work out whether that was behind the sil's vitriol. Not that it would excuse their behaviour anyway.

They sound very narrow minded

Prof though we are not rich cash wise, you are spot on, without land which came down through DH's family (sil's had the same) we would never be able to do what we do! I absolutely recognise that we are privileged in that way, we provide our cash flow, but without that capital behind us which means we own land outright and have a much smaller mortgage, there's no way we could live like we do - we are extremely lucky in that way and try to make the most of it. That is why I try not to sound smug and really aware of it, I try not to take what we have for granted.

Don't give them any more presents. If they are actually decent human beings, they won't expect any after their appalling behaviour. If they are not decent human beings, they don't deserve any. Simple.

Actually, you don't sound smug at all, and I think that everyone should explain why they are trying to avoid the mad consumerism of today's world, because it is wrong, at least totally unsustainable ...

The whole of life has been professionalised, so that we are expected to buy everything and have no confidence in our own skills. Rubbishing 'home made' is simply part of the same trend .. there was a thread recently where someone wondered if it was safe to eat homemade jam!

Incidentally, we have no land (apart from a small garden where the chickens live) and manage with allotment and good friends where the bees live and a skip habit which is very useful for building cages and collecting firewood.

At school, they give me all the leftover school lunches for the chickens ... don't know what they really think of me (luckily they don't know that I toasted the cheese sandwiches from the over-ordered free school lunches and had them with soup for supper).

Recallreg reading your OP made me feel quite tearful, the thought of you putting all that effort and care in and then them being so hurtful. I would have loved what you made, they are without doubt breathtakingly rude.

The correct response to ANY gift is Thank you full stop.

I'd give her a very small box of chocs every birthday and Christmas from now on.

How ungrateful and totally undeserving of your effort-rich gifts!

Slightly off topic - but would the Seymour's book about self sufficiency apply to the Southern Hemisphere? As long as I follow the seasons rather than specific months? We're just about to turn an expanse of tiered garden into a vege patch :)

Hic I think it would, we 'adapt' most of it for our personal use but it is all really useful info.

I'd have loved the shawl and been touched by the effort and time you put into it.

However, sadly and especially after reading other threads on here. I wouldn't give home made food as gifts, as they don't seem to be as well received.

Oh, I'm so glad they apologized. It sounds as if she was completely pissed. You must be feeling pretty crushed.

Actually I did know a lad who was raised in Africa in very straitened circumstances and what your SIL would refer to as 'weird'.I have to say when his family returned he put all the English raised kids to shame; he was just absolutely lovely and everyone warmed to him. Kind, clever, and massively skilled too.