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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the way we choose to live is our business!

212 replies

RecallReg · 18/05/2014 20:54

We live as self sufficiently as possible, in all respects. We have some very basic principles, we wish to have as little environmental impact as possible and value people, relationships and time with others above things and possessions. This is just what we think, we try not to impose this others and live quite quietly. We buy household things and clothes from charity shops, we recycle and re-use, we make what we can, we grow all our own veg and fruit, rear some meat and have a deal with a local farmer for the rest. We both have jobs but only work to what we need, we are not rich but we are very, very happy as are our two beautiful children.
Today we went to Sil birthday. As a present I had made her a summer type shawl, a cake, some scones and jam and some home-made wine. I had put a lot of effort into the shawl which was made from a unwanted wedding dress, so really beautiful material. Sil and other Sil got drunk and started mocking our gifts, 'why couldn't we be normal?', 'a bottle of perfume would have been better', 'did we really think others liked this sort of thing' and 'we were just weird and our children would grow up weird' 'we owed it to our children to let them grow up in the real world'. I was deeply, deeply offended by these comments, and then felt even worse when they started almost attacking us by getting very aggressive and trying to get us to justify the way we lived. I basically said what I have in the first paragraph, then we left, DH was mortified (there his sil's!) and really angry. I know they were being rude and unreasonable, but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to justify our lifestyle to others just because we choose to live differently, this is no-ones concern but ours surely?

OP posts:
squizita · 19/05/2014 17:39

YANBU.

I've had this in the past on different issues ("you're different and weird, we're going to try to make you like us").
DH's advice/example is a good one. It involves the words "because I like it", "none of your fucking business" and "no ones asking you to dress/eat/live like this."

I would have taken the presents back and told her to fuck off keep away in future, but I'm a grumpy cow.

My friends and I regularly give each other presents we'be bought 2nd hand or handmade. I understand it's quite trendy now! Grin

fancyanotherfez · 19/05/2014 17:46

I was thinking of douing homemade gifts for Christmas for adults, on the basis that surely people have enough toiletery gift sets by the time they are 40. This thread has put me off!

makeminea6x · 19/05/2014 18:31

Presents sound ace. Only a ninny would be so ungrateful.

But.. What's this.. Charity shops won't accept home-made clothes? Is that true? Sounds ridiculous.

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 19/05/2014 20:03

fancyanotherfez, do not be put off! How else can things change? and maybe your friends are of a slightly higher calibre, taste-wise.

goodasitgets · 19/05/2014 20:22

Just the cake would have done me! Seriously I would be overjoyed if anyone made me a food gift, with the time and effort going into it
To me, it's the same as people going "eww" at food. I was taught to smile and say thank you for any gift and that it's also polite to eat whatever anyone gives you if you are being served food
Even if you absolutely hate a gift I would still say thank you. What happened to "it's the thought that counts"
P.s by the time I had realised you'd given me scones too, I would have had you in a bear hug Grin

Thenapoleonofcrime · 19/05/2014 21:28

Everyone saying they wouldn't wear the scarf- but it could be used to decorate a chair, or as a throw, or even for the children to use to wrap up their teddies in or play dress up. Or just give to the charity shop after a decent period if truly awful (which I can't imagine it was, it sounds lovely and delicate). No-one was asking them to go out on a night on the town wearing it.

squizita · 20/05/2014 09:38

I think whether she/anyone would wear the scarf is a moot point at Thenapoleon suggests. There are ways of dealing with unwanted gifts that are polite and respect the amount of love/care put into them.

I have been given home-made quiche before (really don't like quiche) ... said "oh wow how neat it looks, must have taken you ages!" and fed it to DH. Quiche eaten not mocked.

Taking the hand crafted element away, we've all been given lovingly selected gifts that aren't actually 'us'. I was once given a china doll, very carefully selected for me. I found it creepy as hell and twee. Of course I thanked the giver kindly and was really touched that she (who collected them) had thought to share her hobby with me even though I didn't like it personally. I put it out for a few days and when she visited. After a few years, Dolly now resides in the cupboard under the stairs!

OnlyLovers · 20/05/2014 09:39

napoleon, yes, I was thinking the same. Obviously the OP had good reason to think the SIL would like this shawl (she had one similar), but they're not my thing, so if someone gave me a shawl I'd use it as a throw and would love the fact that it had been hand-made for me with love and care.

Charity shops do take home-made things, don't they? I'm sure I've seen home-made clothes in my local ones before.

fancyanotherfez · 20/05/2014 18:12

La Belle Ok I will! I have a lovely apple tree in the garden that just produces millions of apples. I make a nice spicy chutney every year, which we like, but I haven't really given to anyone else apart from my mum. I'll post at Christmas about how many odd looks I got!!

MintyCoolMojito · 20/05/2014 18:29

This reply has been deleted

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MintyCoolMojito · 20/05/2014 18:30

This reply has been deleted

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Rainbunny · 20/05/2014 18:31

I agree that they voiced their real opinions in their drunkeness. You sound very nice so please resist any urge to chalk it all up to being drunk only, if they bother to apologize they will likely try to blame it all on being drunk, don't let them off the hook!

BMW6 · 20/05/2014 19:32

Op - your lifestyle sounds wonderful, and I reckon your children have a fantastic life.

A suggestion for future gifts for the horribly rude SIL's - a jar of homemade sweets - Acid Drops, perhaps would be apt Grin

Caitlin17 · 20/05/2014 19:46

They were rude and no excuse for that but you do sound a teeny bit smug. Many people don't have the option of growing their own vegetables;very few have the option of producing their own meat on unmortgaged land ; few have the option of only having to work as and when they like.

Your land owned outright is a pretty big possession which I'm sure you value.

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 20/05/2014 21:29

Caitlin .. we don't have land; just a small garden, but we have an allotment - surely option for all, if you wait for it? - and good friends. We do live in the country, but there are far more allotments in cities. Producing your own meat is not essential. (Although we could grow and eat our own chickens / rabbits in a small garden if we wanted to.)
I don't think they sound smug ...

Caitlin17 · 20/05/2014 22:47

There are long waiting lists for allotments in most cities. Edinburgh's for example is 9 years.
I think if you read all the OP's posts the land available to her was not a back garden or an allotment.

The life-style she described is certainly not an available option for everyone. Sorry I do think she sounded a bit holier than thou.

Still not an excuse to be rude (although I'm puzzled at a shawl being made out of an "unwanted wedding dress")

mindthegap79 · 20/05/2014 22:57

I'm really cross on your behalf OP. You and your gifts sound lovely and your sils sound ignorant and very rude. I agree with pp - I expect they're jealous and lacking in confidence themselves. Don't give them another thought until they apologise.

mindthegap79 · 20/05/2014 22:58

I'm really cross on your behalf OP. You and your gifts sound lovely and your sils sound ignorant and very rude. I agree with pp - I expect they're jealous and lacking in confidence themselves. Don't give them another thought until they apologise.

kali110 · 21/05/2014 02:31

Glad they've apologised though not surprised you're still hurt by it.
I think they acted appallingly. I would not choose your lifestyle for me, but i certainly would not sit there and mock you especially after you had given me gifts!
I think they were very rude, even if the gifts were not to my taste i would have been grateful and thanked you as that was how i was bought up.
I think your gifts sounded lovely. I would have been so touched by the effort and thought gone into them (and the cakes would not have lasted the evening).

PrincessBabyCat · 21/05/2014 03:22

Eek, looks like they enjoyed your wine a little too much. Wink

When my brother was broke, he made everyone birthday deserts. When he asked what I wanted for my birthday, I was secretly skeptical because I never remember him being a master chef or anything. So I just told him "something good" and he used three different recipes to make these amazing chocolate cupcakes that had a chocolate and Kahlua creme filling and coffee frosting. Got other amazing deserts at holidays and birthdays after that. Point is they were the epic deserts I never knew I needed in my life and I loved them and am kind of bummed he got a decent job again. I've bugged him to keep up with it, but he likes to give practical gifts and I think he's tired of me being vague to watch him pull rabbits out of his hat.

So homemade gifts are not lost on people. I'd keep at it and give it to people that appreciate it. :)

Hopefully your next get together isn't too awkward after this.

FoxyHarlow123 · 21/05/2014 07:17

Buying presents for someone involves thinking about what the recipient likes and appreciates. Imposing your choice on them indicates a lack of thought. I'd hate home made gifts. I wouldn't eat anything food-wise, as I'd just be thinking about the kitchen hygiene (and I'm a slattern but someone else's unwashed hands, dirty kitchen etc are another matter). I fully accept though that I am not a particularly nice or gracious person.

Shonajay · 21/05/2014 07:30

You should have mentioned the fact they seemed to like the wine you made them. Ungrateful sods.

PicaK · 21/05/2014 08:05

Just wanted to clarify what I said earlier. Anything less than rapturous thank yous for any gift (welcome or not) is not on.

They were bang out of order.

But equally gifts should be personalised and thoughtful and not about showing off your lifestyle.

TheLowestFormOfWit · 21/05/2014 08:35

Late to the thread but OP, whenever I think of the time and thought you put into making that shawl only to have it mocked, I feel really sad.

So what if you've got land? That's your good fortune. Why should you apologise for it? You're living very humbly considering the privilege you've inherited. If people are nasty about that then it's only because they're envious.

I would've loved those gifts. Handmade things are always so much more personal and thoughtful.

HayDayQueen · 21/05/2014 12:17

Why do people think the OP sounds smug? We all know how posters get slated if they leave things out in their opening posts, (accusations of drip, drip, drip from lots of people....). So she explained exactly WHY she feels the way she does. I doubt she would go into that detailed an explanation to everyone else she meets, unless they asked her lots of questions.

Sheesh, you really can't win sometimes on these threads!!!!

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