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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the way we choose to live is our business!

212 replies

RecallReg · 18/05/2014 20:54

We live as self sufficiently as possible, in all respects. We have some very basic principles, we wish to have as little environmental impact as possible and value people, relationships and time with others above things and possessions. This is just what we think, we try not to impose this others and live quite quietly. We buy household things and clothes from charity shops, we recycle and re-use, we make what we can, we grow all our own veg and fruit, rear some meat and have a deal with a local farmer for the rest. We both have jobs but only work to what we need, we are not rich but we are very, very happy as are our two beautiful children.
Today we went to Sil birthday. As a present I had made her a summer type shawl, a cake, some scones and jam and some home-made wine. I had put a lot of effort into the shawl which was made from a unwanted wedding dress, so really beautiful material. Sil and other Sil got drunk and started mocking our gifts, 'why couldn't we be normal?', 'a bottle of perfume would have been better', 'did we really think others liked this sort of thing' and 'we were just weird and our children would grow up weird' 'we owed it to our children to let them grow up in the real world'. I was deeply, deeply offended by these comments, and then felt even worse when they started almost attacking us by getting very aggressive and trying to get us to justify the way we lived. I basically said what I have in the first paragraph, then we left, DH was mortified (there his sil's!) and really angry. I know they were being rude and unreasonable, but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to justify our lifestyle to others just because we choose to live differently, this is no-ones concern but ours surely?

OP posts:
ThePost · 19/05/2014 02:30

Have they apologised yet?

crazycanuck · 19/05/2014 03:11

One Christmas I filled nice cotton reusable shopping bags with homemade things I had done (chutney, jam, bread, cookies, fudge etc). One 'friend' that I gave one too actually arrived at our house a few days later bearing the cotton bag and very deliberately hung it on our kitchen door and left it there when she went home. Some people have zero manners and all manner of snobbishness.

HicDraconis · 19/05/2014 03:49

I think joanofarchitrave has hit it exactly - some people rely on branded items to be able to place the giver into a slot in their mind. People who don't fit in their boxes make them uneasy and they don't like the feeling, hence the rudeness.

I hate perfume and we can't wear it at work anyway, too many people complain of breathing issues otherwise. Your SiL is a rude, ill mannered, ungrateful, materialistic snob.

I can only aspire to your minimal impact lifestyle but would love the ability to make shawls and wine! Your gifts sound thoughtful and a less insecure, materialistic snob would have loved them. And a better mannered materialistic snob would have had the decency to thank you graciously at least!

spiritofthetime · 19/05/2014 04:01

For Christmas I would give them both home made 'perfume' a bottle each of your finest piss - you could call it 'Eau NaNiste' (onanist)

mimishimmi · 19/05/2014 04:02

To be honest, I'd prefer the perfume too but I'd never be so rude as to say so. I'd take the homemade gifts and if I didn't like them, pass them onto someone else or give them to charity. That said, I do sense that they think you're a bit too smug about your chosen lifestyle and that can cause giggles.

LibraryMum8 · 19/05/2014 04:07

YANBU! The gifts sound lovely! I want to slap them for you. You are right, you do not need to justify your life to them. Besides they sound jealous.

GoshAnneGorilla · 19/05/2014 04:07

crazycanuck Shock I actually gasped reading that. What on earth is wrong with some people! I hope you never had to see such an awful person again. I cannot think what must have been going through someone's mind to do that and think it's an acceptable thing to do.

OP Your ILs were horribly rude.

Loverofpeas · 19/05/2014 04:38

They were very very rude. I'm not surprised its damaged your relationship.

I'd probably tell them that you are not going to give them gifts any more. Ask they don't give you gifts either. You don't have the money and more importantly don't want to waste your time lovingly making special things.

I'd probably give them a very wide birth for a while too. Don't see them very often and when you do don't have much to do with them. Creating separation will help you deal with any hurt feelings and will make you less vulnerable as you will be less exposed.

Topaz25 · 19/05/2014 05:52

Your gifts sound lovely. Even if your SILs didn't like them, they shouldn't have said anything. They were the ones who were not being "normal" by being so rude! It's disgusting that they behaved that way and haven't even apologised, they are bullies. You shouldn't have to spend time with people like that. Certainly don't buy them anything again.

Topaz25 · 19/05/2014 06:22

Sorry I meant certainly don't give them anything.

CerealMom · 19/05/2014 07:26

Speaks volumes that your DMiL is apologising for them before they are apologising for themselves.

Minesril · 19/05/2014 07:27

They would prefer you bought perfume?? I hate being bought perfume - it's one of those things I need to choose for myself.

On the other hand, I love it when people bake for my birthday - mostly because I cannot bake myself!

wonderingsoul · 19/05/2014 07:34

They sound more than rude.

You did the right thing because even if you did try to justify. It they would have just come out with more hateful stuff.

Though I would have said if.they didn't like the gifts you would take them back additive them.to some one who would appreciate. Them.

I know if a friend had given them to me.they would be some of my most prized gifts, esp the.shawl which sounds amazing and so heart felt.

I would tell them until they.can apposite that you want nothing.to.do with them.

macdoodle · 19/05/2014 07:38

Gosh your presents sound lovely, how rude they were, ignore.

DogCalledRudis · 19/05/2014 07:43

To be honest, DIY stuff is not to everybody's taste. I understand it as a form of self expression, but in somebody else's home it can be totally out of place.

Pumpkinpositive · 19/05/2014 07:50

I wouldn't give them anything ever again. If they are normally ok, they couldn't reasonably expect the gift giving to continue in the circumstances.

The fact that their mummy phoned you first to smooth the way suggests they're maybe not that contrite. Surely you'd be on the blower first thing to the offended party if told you'd got shit faced and said outrageous things to a family member at a party? Hmm

Zara8 · 19/05/2014 07:56

That was extremely fucking rude of them, your gifts sounds lovely!! I would be overwhelmed to receive such nice and thoughtful things!

I think they are very insecure and a bit jealous of the way you live and your contentment etc

Topaz25 · 19/05/2014 08:02

DogCalledRudis The OP already said she modelled the shawl on one she had seen her SIL wearing before so it would not be out of place. And cake, scones and jam and home-made wine wouldn't be out of place in someone's home because they shouldn't be there for long, you're expected to eat them!

Topaz25 · 19/05/2014 08:02

Also even if it was out of place, people shouldn't be rude about a gift!

PicaK · 19/05/2014 08:06

Well Yes - it's very rude to mock a gift.

But equally When you'rechoosing a gift Then you are supposed to Think about the recipient and What they like. Did you Honestly Think about YOUR sil and go wedding dress shawl perfect.

You maybe quiet but you are inflicting YOUR choice onto them. They were horribly rude but perhaps you are not subtle in YOUR disdain for their way of life.

Ploppy16 · 19/05/2014 08:07

You don't sound smug at all and the presents sound lovely Thanks
What you do is my dream actually, we do it on a much smaller scale but I would love to be self sufficient. Your SILs are snobs, please don't waste anymore time or effort on presents for them!

LadyRainicorn · 19/05/2014 08:09

Omg, people are giving me a gift! For free! Because they like me! THEY'VE INFLICTED THEIR OWN CHOICE ON ME HOW AWFUL. Ffs.

DuchessFanny · 19/05/2014 08:12

Well I hope your SILS woke up with a nasty hangover and full of shame. I'm betting they'll apologise and blame it on the drink - ignore, ignore ! You have no reason to justify yourself to them. Your life sounds amazing by the way and I would be thrilled at such thoughtful gifts !

PicaK · 19/05/2014 08:13

Well Yes - it's very rude to mock a gift.

But equally When you'rechoosing a gift Then you are supposed to Think about the recipient and What they like. Did you Honestly Think about YOUR sil and go wedding dress shawl perfect.

You maybe quiet but you are inflicting YOUR choice onto them. They were horribly rude but perhaps you are not subtle in YOUR disdain for their way of life.

ElephantGoesToot · 19/05/2014 08:17

To be honest, DIY stuff is not to everybody's taste. I understand it as a form of self expression, but in somebody else's home it can be totally out of place.

So what.
Even if this were the case, you have the good manners to keep your bloody mouth shut.
It's not all about the recipient.
And all of it sounds absolutely beautiful.
Still, as my husband pointed out, it's a very handy way of weeding the people you don't need out of your life.