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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we are all ready to remove to Inter V at the Chalet School.

998 replies

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/05/2014 11:05

New thread for all the Chalet School fans!

OP posts:
Vintagejazz · 30/05/2014 13:28

Anyone else feel like adding to DeWee's and Daisy's fanzines? I might have a go at one tonight.

fairnotfair · 30/05/2014 14:03

Matron was watching her closely and seemed to be giving the thumbs up to someone

Pure, unadulterated genius.

Revengeofthechocolatebunny · 30/05/2014 14:18

Daisymasie

Brilliant!!

Toospotty · 30/05/2014 16:38

Hilarious! Mad slipper crazy Joey.

To go back to the last thread, Malory Towers comes up tops for the Guardian today.

www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2014/may/29/robin-stevens-top-10-boarding-school-stories

Vintagejazz · 30/05/2014 16:41

I can't believe the CS doesn't get a mention

That Miss Pym disposes book sounds good. I loved Cat Among the Pigeons.

EmilyAlice · 30/05/2014 18:05

Now my lambs, something very exciting. Can you guess?
Next week:
I am going to England on the Eurostar for the first time. But it isn't that.
I am going to see DD and DGDs for the first time in weeks. But it isn't that.
When I get there I can read the six CS books that I ordered for DGDs. Yes!
Grin

fairnotfair · 30/05/2014 18:51

Chalet Girl Contract (a story of how Joey Maynard takes down uncooperative new girls)

In her sunny salon at Freudesheim, Joey Maynard poured out more tea for Araminta and for Mary-Lou, who was “playing sheepdog” for the new girl.

“Araminta! What an unusual name! Do you mind if I bag it for one of my books?”

“Oh, do you write books?” asked Araminta politely.

Jo looked smug.

“Does Auntie Jo write books?!” cried Mary-Lou sycophantically. “Why, she’s Josephine M. Bettany!”

Araminta shuffled her feet. She didn’t know what to say. Obviously she couldn’t admit the truth: that she found Josephine M. Bettany’s novels clichéd and predictable. So she said nothing.

Joey wasn’t used to this sort of reaction. She usually had to scoop the new girls off the floor once they realised who they were dealing with. Why, she even went so far as to autograph their copies of her books – whether they liked it or not.

“Well, you obviously know your own mind”, she said, coolly. “Anyway, you can’t possibly go to school with a name like Araminta. What a mouthful! I tell you what, how about a new name for your new life? What about Minty? Quirky. SUCH fun!”

“I’d rather not”, said Araminta awkwardly. “I’m perfectly happy with my own name; I’m sure it’ll be OK.”

Jo’s pansy-like eyes hardened as Araminta left the room. She’d encountered girls like this once or twice before. Uncooperative girls who didn’t seem to give a shit who she was, and therefore, by definition, did not have the Chalet values.

Mary-Lou’s eyes met hers.

Not our sort of girl at all, Mary-Lou! Whatever possessed Miss Annersley to take her? It’s never going to work; she doesn’t appear remotely interested in me or my books! There must be something wrong with her!”

Mary-Lou looked at Jo, and Jo nodded almost imperceptibly at the girl.

“OK, Mary-Lou, it’s time to take her down. Tell the Gang to do their thing. Apple-pie beds, no-speaks, hide her things. Gaslight the hell out of her. Once she’s run away, I’d suggest you risk your life to bring her back. Make her feel grateful. And make her feel really bad. Then it’s just the usual treatment: a pi-jaw from The Abbess; a little…er…. visit… from me; perhaps a quick lullaby from my golden voice; a Micky Finn in the hot milk… and then she’ll be ours. But make it snappy; she’s starting to piss me off.”

SelectAUserName · 30/05/2014 19:20

Nice one, fairnotfair!

Vintagejazz · 30/05/2014 21:34

Love it Fair Grin

Daisymasie · 30/05/2014 21:51

Grin fair. Jo will be out to get you.

Vintagejazz · 30/05/2014 23:00

“Hello everyone. You’ll never guess the hanes.” Joey crashed into the staff room. Miss Annersley looked up and frowned. “Joey, we’re having a staff meeting at the moment”. “Oh, that’s alright” Joey responded “If you’d told me I’d have been here earlier. So, what gives?”

“Joey, it’s a staff meeting” Miss Annersley emphasised, “a meeting for staff. We have confidential things to discuss”

Joey looked at her and laughed. “What are you on about Hilda? Nothing’s confidential from me. Not where the school’s concerned”.

“I’m afraid it is Joey” said Miss Annersley firmly “now, I’ll have to ask you to leave”. And she held the door open firmly,

Joey walked down the corridor her cheeks burning. She couldn’t believe Hilda had been so mean to her. Mean, and yes, downright rude she thought, as she barged into the sixth form study where the pupils were busy studying.

“So, what gives?” she cried “I’ve had an excellent idea for the sale. Gather round”.

Her niece Bride looked up with impatiently “Joey” she said “we’ve got exams next week. We need to study”
“Study”? cried Joey, “whatever for”?

“Well” Bride said patiently “we want to do well in our finals. So that when we leave the chalet school,
Joey thought she heard Tom Gay mutter

we have options” concluded Bride.

“What options” asked Joey, bewildered “there’s tons of doctors up in the San, just waiting for another batch of girls to marry. Even the plainest of the Bettany girls like you Bride”.
“Thank you Joey. I think we need to get on with our work” Julie Lucy was holding the door open pointedly.

Joey stumbled out of the door, totally confused now.

As she walked sadly out of the front door she caught sight of Mary Lou and cheered up.
“Coo-ey” she called, waving her hand and rushing across the path.

“Oh, s*it” she heard Mary Lou say, so obligingly she concurred with that invitation and sat down on the lawn. “Mary Lou” she cried, “English tea is at half past fifteen. We can have a chin wag and cuddle the twins”.
Mary Lou looked embarrassed. “well actually, I’ve promised Vi a game of tennis and then myself and Barbara are going for a walk. She needs to talk to me”.
Joey’s eyes gleamed. “Talk to you. A problem? Why didn’t you tell me? No one understands girls like me. Bring her to English tea with you. Or no, maybe she should come on her own. I could bring her into the garden and look at her with my pansy like eyes and dreamily glance at the mountains and tell her how big they are and how small we are and…..

“Joey” cried Mary Lou “it’s not about you. Just stop it. Just go away”.

Jo looked at her in alarm. “Are you alright Mary Lou. You’re acting very strangely. Do you need some drugged milk, I’ll just call Matey”.

“You don’t understand” wailed Mary Lou “there’s no more drugged milk. Matey’s run out. Theres no drugged milk.

                 <strong>TO</strong>   <strong>BE</strong>   <strong>CONTINUED</strong>
RueDeWakening · 30/05/2014 23:02

pmsl jazz no drugged milk? Shock

Are you sure? Brew

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 30/05/2014 23:20

No drugged milk? Confused

How can this be?

fairnotfair · 30/05/2014 23:21

Yes, but Jazz, there's drugged cocoa, isn't there?? There has to be a drugged beverage of some sort, or where will it end? You're messing with my whole belief system.

No drugged milk!

Vintagejazz · 30/05/2014 23:47

Joey staggered home, in total shock, her head a mess. Jack opened the door and she fell into his arms sobbing bitterly “They’re all being mean and horrible, Hilda wouldn’t let me listen to the staff meeting, and no one wanted to hear about the sale, and even Mary Lou wouldn’t come to tea…………..”

“Joey” said Jack, lowering her into an armchair “how old are you”?

“What?” said Joe “I don’t know. Twenty two?”

“You’re thirty six” said Jack gently “you haven’t been a pupil in that school for eighteen years. It’s time you put the place behind you”.

“Put it behind me?” said Joey in horror “But.. but… I’m the spirt of the school. They need me”.

“No they don’t” said Jack. “It’s not healthy, this obsession with the school. I’ve accepted a new job at a hospital in Scotland, and we’re moving there next month”.

“Next month??” shrieked Joe “are you mad? There’s no way we’ll find premises for the school in a month. And all the parents will have to be notified and ….”

“Joey” said Jack, “the school isn’t coming. We’re leaving it behind us”.

“Leaving it behind us?” wailed Joey, “are you mad? And have you forgotten, the triplets are pupils in the school. How can we abandon them?2

“Of course we’re not abandoning them” said Jack impatiently “they’re coming with us”.

Joey’s face cleared. “Thank God. I thought you meant the school was staying here”.

“It is staying here” said Jack, “the triplets will be going to a nice day school in Edinburgh, down the road from the hospital”.

Joey looked at him, her face growing pale. “A day school” she said faintly and felt the room beginning to spin slightly. Then she thought of something “Madge” she said, “Madge will never agree to this. There’s always been a Bettany at the Chalet School”.
“Oh for God’s sake” exploded Jack “look around you. Where is Madge”.
Joey looked around the pretty drawing room, which had stopped spinning. “Well” she said uncertainly “she’s in Australia”.
“Exactly” said Jack, “she’s in Australia. And before that she was in Canada. Joe, Madge doesn’t give a shit about the Chalet School. She’s moved on. In fact, her and Jem sold their shares in the school years ago. We didn’t tell you, because we couldn’t face the inevitable hysterics.
“And now you and me are going to do the same. We’re going to sell our interest and have nothing to do with the school anymore.”.

‘Nothing to do with the school anymore….’ The room started to spin again and Joey felt herself slipping away……………

“Joey, Joey, Auntie Joey” she opened her eyes to see Bride standing there looking anxious. “Auntie Joey” she said “what are you doing sleeping like that? We’ve been waiting for you in the prefects’ room to discuss the sale…. And Auntie Hilda said can you drop up to the staff room when we’ve finished, they need to discuss some of the new pupils with you…. Oh, and Mary Lou said to be sure to call in and say good night to her……

Joey laughed and tucked her arm through Bride’s. “I’ve just had the most frightful nightmare. I’ll tell you about it on the way over. You’ll simply howl with laughter when you hear”.

SelectAUserName · 31/05/2014 06:34

Brilliant, vintage Grin

SelectAUserName · 31/05/2014 07:08

" - So if we move two of the older girls into Le Petit Chalet, we can squeeze the new girls into the Blue dormitory," finished Miss Wilson.

"Battleship Grey dormitory," little Miss Nalder corrected, glancing up from her vodka and coke, "Hansi got a bit carried away with the undercoating during half-term."

"Hansi?" repeated Mademoiselle Lepattre, who was spelling her name as one word this year, "but where, then, is Eigen?"

"Fuck knows," said Miss Maynard with a shrug, "Madame has probably hived him off to work for her at Die Rosen, like she does with every other peasant employed by the school at some point."

"Tiens!" exclaimed Mademoiselle, throwing up her hands in horror. Bill and Miss Annersley exchanged speaking glances before the former spoke up.

"Now then Elise, you're not in a Malory Towers book. You might be the most ineffectual, indecisive headmistress ever to run a boarding school, but there's no need to go overboard on the French stereotypes."

What Mademoiselle may have replied to this rebuke will be forever unknown, as a commotion outside interrupted the meeting of the staff. As one, that august body rose up and sallied forth to investigate.

"Oh, those imps of Middles," sighed Maynie, as it was her turn to fulfil this contractual obligation this time. They were brought up short, however, by the unexpected sight of Matron struggling between two burly constables.

"Matey!" exclaimed Miss Annersley. Turning clear grey eyes which never needed glasses onto the detective directing this sorry scene, she drew herself up to her full height. "Whatever is the meaning of this, officer?"

"I'm afraid your Matron is under arrest," he said curtly. "She's been under surveillance for some time. We were alerted by the usual pattern - "

"Usual pattern?" echoed Bill.

"Oh yes. This isn't her first offence. She did this in three schools in England. She evaded arrest by fleeing to Austria, but Interpol has been on her case for a while now. It's definitely her, the same MO - the addiction to administering sleeping draughts, the refusal to use perfectly good painkillers in favour of old wives' remedies, the insistence on pulling girls out of lessons on suspicion of them coming down with ailments. Classic Munchhausens by Proxy." He nodded to the constables. "Take her away, chaps."

"Heavens!" ejaculated Mademoiselle. "I cannot think. What will pauvre Madge say?"

"Madge Russell?" asked the detective. "Married to Dr Jem Russell of the Sanatorium?" Mademoiselle nodded. "She'll have her own problems, once we've had a little chat with her husband in custody. Who do you think was supplying Matron with the drugs?"

Summerbreezing · 31/05/2014 09:39

[grin vintage and select

Loving these stories.

Summerbreezing · 31/05/2014 09:40

Grin even

WilsonFrickett · 31/05/2014 11:31

These are absolutely topping, fine work girls and excellent arguing from cause to effect.

fairnotfair · 31/05/2014 12:07

Vintagejazz and Select - loving your work, and loving this thread.

(You clearly used your synthetic maps!)

Revengeofthechocolatebunny · 31/05/2014 12:15

Wow they were amazing!!

PosyFossilsShoes · 31/05/2014 12:27

Going to be laughing for the rest of the day at there is no more drugged milk.

Grin

Good work vintage and select, you both get your remove.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 31/05/2014 12:37

Jem was indeed kicking his heels in the local police station. His claims not to speak German had led to loud guffaws from the local police, and his insistence on the British Consul coming to his aid had left them helpless with laughter.

"Nein, nein, mein Doktor," said the Super, wagging his finger. "We will get you some legal representation in due course."

"Don't you know who I am?" Jem shouted angrily through the grille, before the little metal door was banged shut in his face.

He sat on the bed, listening to someone, who clearly had stomach problems, using the loo in the cell next door.

"Matey?" he asked, tentatively. "Is that you?"

"It's no good, Doctor Jem," came a plaintive wail from the other side of the wall. "I can't vomit up the bags of coke. I can't make myself sick. I've shat out the ones I stuffed up my arse, though, and I've hidden them in my toilet bag."

Jem sighed. He was never going to get the drugs over the border to where The Robin and her posse of nuns were waiting to collect them.

"I think one might have burst," said Matron. "What shall we do now? I don't want to die."

AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves · 31/05/2014 13:51

His one comfort was that Joey and Jack should be able to keep the white going. The police had not yet mentioned the suspiciously rapid turnover of young 'doctors' at the san, so many of whom had left the area with their new teenage brides and headed for South America and the thriving chain of bordellos flourishing under the 'Chalet School' brand. The expat oilmen couldn't get enough of those gymslips...

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