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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

223 replies

whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 21:52

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think? Hmm

OP posts:
Ilovexmastime · 14/05/2014 19:17

I don't want to seem like I'm piling in, but I agree with the others OPohbear. Your posts are very strange, given the information that the OP has shared with us.

Is this thread hitting a nerve? Does your DH control who you are friends with? Is this why you appear to be defending him?

I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I'm still a bit Hmm about you calling the OP's friend a bitch and a cow.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 19:35

I'm fine thanks for asking - and will NOT show DH the thread.

I think there just is a lot or work to be done on the relationship but I'm so glad people don't think I was having an ea - I will be honest and say I felt something, not exactly sexual but something that I can't explain.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/05/2014 19:39

Connection? When you're feeling lonely and emotionally and socially isolated that would be natural.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 14/05/2014 19:40

Well, you'd lost your parents and gone through a series of cataclysmic life changes. A woman friend was sympathetic, gave you attention and was at ease with you. That's not an emotional affair, it's leaning on a close friend when you needed one.

Emotional affairs masquerade as friendships, but have a sexual undercurrent. Your 'motherly' friend didn't come on to you, did she? Or did she?

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 19:48

Yes I think a connection. Like feeling safe and secure (she was a lot older than me.) no sexual undercurrent on her part but I was v touchy feely at times - just seeking reassurance

OP posts:
Ilovexmastime · 14/05/2014 19:53

Did you feel a surge of love for your friend? I sometimes feel that when I'm down and my friend says and does just the right thing. It's still not an ea though.

Pagwatch · 14/05/2014 19:54

I would imagine you were feeling affection, gratitude and a connection with someone who was supporting and caring for you.
That would be a supportive friendship.

I have friends who I dearly love because they care about me and are kind, wise and wonderful. That impacts not at all upon my marriage because my husband is a secure man who wants me to go through the world surrounded by kind people who care for me.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/05/2014 19:56

Christ, I've known my closest friend 26 years, we've seen each naked, hugged, I've smacked her arse for a laugh, share a bed. I love her to death, but that dont mean I have any sexual feelings towards her.

EverythingCounts · 14/05/2014 20:02

Boy, this thread has moved on. So it's about more than this one person's behaviour.

I don't see that your husband has sacrificed all that much - he didn't exactly 'sacrifice' his job, if he waited till he found another and then changed. What behaviour of his around his single female friends and acquaintances has he changed to reassure you, the way you have for him?

Do you get to 'approve' his friends the way he does yours? How do you think he would react if you told him you didn't want him seeing X anymore?

FWIW I've done probably all of the stuff you describe in your 'mistake' of a friendship with good female friends and I don't regret it, nor do I think I did anything wrong. Your friendship sounds like something that evolved to suit you and your then friend at a particular time of life. It is not the same as being unfaithful, and I do wonder if your husband talks it up as a Big Issue because then he can present the two of you as being on a level playing field with your transgressions against each other, so to speak.

TitusFlavius · 14/05/2014 20:07

whynow, I'm glad to see you back!

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 20:20

Oh please please do not worry! DH is a pain but I am certainly not in any danger or anything like that.

It's uncomfortable though as I realise a lot of stuff I knew but didn't want to know. And that makes me an idiot.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 14/05/2014 20:55

You're not an idiot

It sounds like you've had some very vulnerable times (losing your parents, PND, loneliness, husband's infidelity -- that's a lot for one person to deal with!) and your husband has taken advantage of that to set things up nicely for him. That can happen to anybody. I'm sure it's happened to a lot of us, that's how we're able to recognise it.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 14/05/2014 21:03

Loving, trusting and forgiving your partner isn't being an idiot Flowers

It gets a bit bloody uncomfortable when you realise it's mostly one-way traffic, is all. It sounds like you've been living with cognitive dissonance for quite some time. Congratulations on starting to relieve that.

2rebecca · 14/05/2014 21:28

I don't think it was an emotional "affair". On the other hand I wouldn't want my husband discussing intimate details of our relationship with another person, male or female. Some things are just private.
It sounds as though your friendship with this woman deepened because your relationship with your husband maybe wasn't giving you the support you needed. I don't think husbands and wives should be the sole emotional supports for each other, that can be stifling and oppressive. On the other hand in a good relationship they should be each other's main support.
I think that usually if one or both of a couple have sexual or nonsexual relationships with people they find more supportive and feel closer to than their spouse that's a sign that the relationship is in trouble and you aren't communicating. Sometimes it's because the relationship has ran it's course and you aren't really suited to each other and able to give each other what you need, sometimes it can be because one or other partner has emotionally distanced themselves and stopped trying.
Either way just saying you aren't going to see that person any more isn't getting to the heart of why you needed that person in the first place. I think many people make that mistake with affairs (not that I think this was an affair). They think it's all about the other person and the affair rather than realising that it's mainly about the relationship.

Shewhowines · 14/05/2014 21:45

Any thoughts about how you will proceed from here op? I know it's going to take you time to process this new realisation. Perhaps your friends can help you?

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 21:48

I really don't know to be honest, I don't know what to do!

I feel very alone Sad

OP posts:
Shewhowines · 14/05/2014 21:54

Don't do anything in a rush. Sit back and watch DH's actions and listen to what he says, knowing what you do now. You might be surprised at how obvious things become.
Now you are aware, hopefully your way forward will become clearer.
Please don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Respect yourself, aim for an equal relationship with real give and take from both of you. Not him making you believe that he's giving a lot when he's not really.

Good luck Thanks
Reach out to friends.

cansu · 14/05/2014 22:00

tbh i think it would be a mistake to drop her because your dh says you should. From what you have said she made a sarky joke that he got touchy over. I think you should just consider whether you like her or not. If you like seeing her then continue to do so, just arrange stuff that doesn't include your dh. I have friends my dp doesn't like, that's tough frankly.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 14/05/2014 22:13

The only thing that would concern me about your 'friendship' is that if she is so unlike you, it could also be quite controlling in a way. I do think her being snidely was disrespectful to you, as others have said. But also you dh over reacted to it. Her reaction would be interesting to know. To see if she would place herself/you first. I would just do as he suggests and meet up for baby stuff... There is a long way you can go with that... My dh (in the early years), would complain about me going out with friends without him. But we resolved this amicably enough!

More is going on here with his infidelity etc. time for another heart to heart I think.

dreamingbohemian · 14/05/2014 22:13

OP you said you had PND before and feel a bit at risk of it again. I think your priority right now should be your own wellbeing, and doing whatever you need to do to be okay. Have you spoken with a HV or GP about getting some support? Are there babygroups or other things in your area?

You don't have to make any big decisions or anything right now. I do think it would be good to get some support or counselling in place for yourself as you think about all these things.

And definitely keep your friend. You will need strong women around you, whatever happens.

ElkTheory · 14/05/2014 22:56

I'm glad you returned to this thread, whynow. I agree with shewhowines and dreamingbohemian. Reach out to friends and professionals who can help and support you.

And please don't think you are an idiot! You clearly are not. You're just in a particularly vulnerable place at the moment. Take good care of yourself.

TitusFlavius · 15/05/2014 08:24

And please keep talking to us, whynow, when it suits you. Thanks

Thumbwitch · 15/05/2014 14:28

whynow - have you spoken to your friend since this all blew up at all? Have you asked her if she was joking or being snarky? Not an easy question to ask, I realise; but if she's one of those people who thinks they're being amusing when actually they're being offensive but don't realise it, then it might be nice for her to be told that she's put her foot in it. Perhaps give her the opportunity to explain how she meant her comments and then it might be clearer to you what you do from here.

I still think you should not have to give her up; but you should not let her and your DH meet unnecessarily. However, you do have to tell him that you're not prepared to let this friendship go on his say-so, especially if it turns out that she was only joking but got the tone wrong. If, otoh, she was being deliberately offensive, then you've got more of an issue because he will see it as you taking her side against him, and that will create more problems for you. :(

Re. your previous close friend - I think, given the absence of actual family that you have, that this older woman was fulfilling a need in you for family, and that may be the connection you felt. She was close enough to you to feel like an aunt, or big sister, possibly even like a mother. I don't see this as an EA - everyone needs to have someone to confide in when they're stressed/upset, it's conditioned into us by our hormones! - and if your DH thinks he can be mother/father/husband/brother to you all in one then THAT is in itself a bit of a red flag, IMO. Too claustrophobic, but of course you need an outlet outside of your marriage if there is something inside your marriage that is causing you problems!

Stay on the thread, we're here to listen to you and help if possible. x

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