To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

[whynowblowwind]

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think?

Sounds like it's your husband who is the problem and bad influence here. he must be emotionally very immature to have such an extreme reaction to an off-hand comment made by someone he only just met. You are not a child who needs to be dictated to or 'telling'. He has previous for controlling your personal relationships - relationships that usually are one's support network and will still be there for you if/when he decides to move on. You had to move town and ditch friends he didn't like - he's slowly isolating you from your support network....

from personal experience of a couple of friends who have been in this same situation, in both cases i found that the male was insecure, jealous, possessive, controlling and manipulative. Their issue with the 'bad friends' came down to the fact that these women saw right through the bf's bullshit and were not afraid to call him up on it or to discuss it with the friend - and these bf's did not want anyone empowering their gf's. the manipulation is subtle - it is done in a way to deliberately confuse you and make you either question yourself or feel like it's futile standing up for yourself so you do nothing but what they tell you/expect of you.

stand up to him and tell him straight to back off dictating to you, invite your friends round when you want - just make all aware that they have to be polite and civil to each other if they have anything to say.

Well from the start my first thought was "No."
Then I read your first posts and thought "oh well if she was unnecessarily rude to him then maybe".
Then I read the rest of your posts and I'm back to "No" but with a side order of "no fucking way!"

However, I wouldn't choose to inflict them on each other - so only see her when he's not around. I would imagine that there's a possibility he thinks she's too honest and straightforward and might start telling you stuff about your relationship that you're blinkered to because you're in it, which would go badly for him.

But I still wouldn't allow my DH to dictate who my friends were.

If someone thought it was ok to be rude to DH the first time meeting him, I'd drop it like it's hot in a heart beat. He's done nothing to get her personal ire on a first glance. If she's being nasty now while she should be putting on her best side getting to know you, what's she going to do when she's more comfortable?

I've been happy to put close family in their place when it came to DH. He does come first in my life. He's had no problem putting his friends in their place if they were rude to me. There's a difference between personal differences and treating someone poorly. How would you feel if his friends insulted you and he said nothing?

It is both your house. You shouldn't be bringing in people that don't respect you enough to treat a man you chose to marry with respect. Home is his sanctuary too. It's about mutual respect for each other. (Obviously this only applies to relationships where one isn't controlling or trying to isolate the other).

Your friend doesn't sound like she was rude (unless she had a really nasty tone of voice). It sounds like a bit of light-hearted banter - maybe even to make your DH feel more comfortable about the fact that he was meeting someone new whilst wearing pyjamas? My DH wouldn't have been offended by that at all. He would have laughed & made a joke in return.

Your DH sounds like he expects people to take him very seriously and takes offence offence easily if he is not treated with enough 'respect'. Does this apply more to women than men or is he equally offended by both?

It is also worrying that he wants to 'approve' your friends. That isn't normal at all. You say you moved house with him... Are you in a fairly isolated area now?

Not a chance. I wouldn't bring her to the house when he's there but don't drop her. Do you think he likes your friends to be like you because he believes he can control them too? Do you think he likes your friends to be like you because he believes he's cleverer than them? Do you think he dislikes this friend because she won't put up with his bullshit?

I to thought no, yes and now no again. Don't let him be controlling to that extent. Is he controlling in other areas of your life? Do you have an equal relationship?

Too

Does he think any new, different friends will encourage you to leave him as they will force you to realise that his "faults" are not acceptable and that your relationship isn't a good one?

I think she was just trying to be light hearted and your DH has taken it totally the wrong way. I can see how he might think or say 'I don't like your new friend very much, felt like she was making a dig' but how on earth is it serious to tell you not to see her? Crazy!

Thanks :) I think I'll do that.

In fairness it was me who wanted to move: that was the compromise that we'd move back to the town I grew up in and felt happy and comfortable but in return he requested certain friendships weren't renewed if you like.

It's not exactly that I'm in awe of him, but he is cleverer than I am, genuinely (this is not hard!) and also since I don't work he's the adult company I get so I am aware I can get a skewed impression of things. But, I am really pleased we came through things and if I was to ruin them now I'd feel dreadful.

No.
My DH does not decide who I am friends with because I am not 8.

I wouldn't like anyone who was openly rude to my dh because I don't like rude people. But tbh your DH being 'a bit touchy' and having issues about your friends before makes him sound incredibly childish. Is he really so precious that he can't bear anyone thinking he is anything other than wonderful?

Your dropping friends to keep him happy is a really bad idea. It's not at all healthy

whynot it is up to you, it is your relationship. It sounds dreadfully controlling to me, not only did he want you to leave your friends behind, but now you are here, he's once again telling you who to befriend and who not to befriend.

And convinced you that if you don't toe the line, the relationship problems are all your fault.

I still suggest you go over to Relationships there's lots more info there and if you read some of the threads, it might ring some bells.

The thing is, if you were happy with him controlling your life and friends, you wouldn't be posting on here asking if it was normal, would you?

I know he can definitely have a controlling streak - honestly I know he isn't perfect. I can usually manage it/him quite well. In the interests of fairness, he honestly didn't request I left my friends behind, it was literally just one or two he said he would feel a lot happier about (our relationship) if I did.

I asked him to change some stuff as well and he did. This is where the lines get blurred as he will point out he's sacrificed and given stuff up for me!

Does it not impact on you at all that so many here are seeing your husband as controlling? It sounds to me as though he's done a very effective job of sapping your confidence completely and cutting you off from anyone who might question his behaviour or your relationship.

The fact that you seem so grateful to him for doing this and will see anything which makes him unhappy as your fault shows the extent to which he manages to control you. This isn't normal or healthy but I imagine you won't see it no matter how many people say so. I imagine that the friendships that went by the board at his insistence were with anyone who might jeopardise or call into question the control he's established.

But napoleon thank you you are really insightful as are some others on here. Don't think I'm not grateful.

I sometimes wish I could have someone better verbally in my head when I'm arguing with him as I know what I want to say but it comes out muddled, then I get accused of theatrics!

Is he really cleverer than you?
He doesn't have the sense to manage a woman being a bit snarky with him. That's not a sign of any great mind at work.
Are you sure he doesn't just talk down to you because he wants to?

Sorry ilovesooty cross post I wasn't ignoring you

I do see it's not exactly normal but the thing is I also know some other details of other stuff that I can't post on here some because it's so identifying and some because it's so embarrassing!

The thing is he doesn't exactly control it because I will respect his wishes to an extent and this was a wish, a desire, not a command and I know the difference but I wouldn't completely roll over.

It just annoys me that, I don't even know! Sometimes I'm happy with my lot and other times I get SO bored and I don't think he gets this at all.

if I was to ruin them now I'd feel dreadful.

But it wouldn't be you ruining it. It is not your responsibility to make him happy by pandering to his whims all the time. You cannot repress your feelings and wishes in case you "ruin" things.

It is a joint responsibility not to "ruin" things.
You need to ask yourself whether Yabu. Everybody now agrees YANBU. Therefore by challenging him it will not be your fault if it is "ruined".

Or put up and shut up. If you want to let him control you unreasonably because you don't want to rock the boat, that's fine but you do need to realise that is the dynamics of your relationship.

I don't know pag I think probably on that particular occasion he was just tired and grumpy.

He's probably cleverer academically, he will leave anything leaving actual communication to me as he says i am better at that. He can't breast feed either and he has been really encouraging about this, as i barely managed a fortnight with poor DS.

whynow I'm just thinking through and although I don't have a perfect marriage by any means, I just can't think of a time when my husband has expressed a preference for me to drop friends, or asked me not to see someone, or felt a friend was rude to him. I can't think of any times my friends have mentioned this happening to them either, and we talk a lot about our relationships. It just doesn't happen.

Unless there is some back-history of you picking extremely unsuitable friends it's not a normal thing to do.

It is far more usual for men who are controlling and abusive (emotionally or physically or mentally) to isolate their wives. That's why it is ringing some alarm bells. Just the one incident might not be a big deal, but the whole asking you to drop people is really unusual behaviour and I can't think of any reason for it. What reason did he want you to leave these friends behind?

I have never had to 'sacrifice' a friend for my husband and I have never asked him to do that for me. Usually people can tolerate each other's friends. That doesn't mean they have to like them, or have them round their houses all the time. Just tolerate them- most people like their partners to have friends, to socialise, to feel part of something.

Does he place any restrictions or suggest not seeing your family at certain times now you are home?

He's just a man by the way, I'm not sure why you think he's so clever, he may be good at his job, but he doesn't sound emotionally intelligent at all.

No that's a good point, she.

But, can you see how easy it is when you're on your own and the main adult you see says things are like this and you think they are? Because thats what they tell you. Like I say if I could step into the shoes of someone extremely verbal and good at standing their corner for a day I'd be fine!

I will pull him up on this, I don't think hell mind. He will probably just ask me to make sure she doesn't hold DD or swear in front of the children or something even though I do

You can be intellectually clever but not emotionally clever.

Think of all the intelligent geeks with no social skills at all.

He might be intellectually streets ahead of you. Emotionally you may be streets ahead of him. Doesn't that balance out your relationship? You don't need to be in "awe" of him.

Yes and I did. But dh incredibly reasonable and I respect his judgment.

Happened once I was quite friendly though not close to a senior work colleague. She was fun and glamorous but was a real bully to junior staff which was why she wasn't a close friend. A new guy started at work and she was vile to him (he was her junior). I witnessed this. He was the only junior brave enough to stand up to her and made a formal complaint to hr. I married the new guy and he asked reasonably I thought that the bully not be part of our lives fair enough and no great loss.