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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

223 replies

whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 21:52

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think? Hmm

OP posts:
OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:02

Sorry, x-post. Looks like you both should be doing as much as you can to regain trust...

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 15:12

Well, I don't know if it's totally fair to say I have 'form' for it, really - I did it once, after a period of immense stress.

I'm not excusing it, I recognise it should not have happened but it did and it just gets lonely when I'm by myself, all day. I do have friends but like I say they are like me, so they have jobs, husbands, children etc. DH works long hours.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 14/05/2014 15:28

It would explain though not excuse his reaction.

However, he is hardly without flaw himself. The argument over physical versus emotional affairs being worse or vice versa could go on forever.

He can't use an indiscretion from some time ago now to control you.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:32

Well, once is enough to destroy trust, unfortunately. And now he has to deal with this rude cow and you putting your friendship with her ahead of your relationship with him. Red flags!

In light of his previous affair, how would you feel if he started getting close to attractive single women?

mercibucket · 14/05/2014 15:49

what does that have to do with anything, OhPohBear?

mercibucket · 14/05/2014 15:49

lol sorry OPohDear

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 15:52

I'm not putting my friendship with her before my relationship.

But it is lonely here. He gets to see people at work and I don't, I'm not saying that I've got the harder deal or anything but yes it is lonely. That's why when I do meet someone I like I'm reluctant to let go of them.

I think you were asking hypothetically but I'll answer anyway - he is friends with attractive single women. Because if he was going to cheat he'd do it.

OP posts:
ElkTheory · 14/05/2014 15:53

So he had a physical affair. Did you really have an emotional affair? Or did you have a close friendship and your husband has convinced you that it was actually an emotional affair (and therefore he can minimise his own actions or say that you were equally at fault)?

Obviously I don't know what really happened which is why I'm asking. I could have the wrong end of the stick completely.

Also I am a bit sceptical of his so-called cleverness. Genuinely intelligent people do not feel the need to proclaim their intelligence or compare themselves to anyone else.

Martorana · 14/05/2014 15:56

I bet you didn't have an emotional affair at all. You just had a close friendship and he was jealous and put a stop to it. He had an actual affair- but is still trying to control your relationships......

EggsFlorentine · 14/05/2014 16:02

You've mentioned that you feel lonely, but your comments labelling others did jar me a little... You've said your friends are like you: married, children etc, but someone doesn't have to be single and childless to be different and stimulating in other ways.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 16:10

I absolutely didn't mean someone couldn't be interesting, married, children - I know what I mean but I know I won't be able to explain it. But no insult there, none.

I did have an emotional affair of sorts - I mean nothing sexual happened, not really. It honestly wasn't as bad as it sounds, I am not like that. I was looking for comfort and reassurance mainly and DH didn't and doesn't understand why I couldn't get it from him but it was more wanting a mother thing than anything else (does that even make sense?) Anyway it was in the past.

I just don't want everyone thinking I am a horrible cheat and I really am not - but I DID make a mistake.

OP posts:
OPohdear · 14/05/2014 16:11

Martorana and ElkTheory, so you both know better than the OP about her previous relationships, huh? Wow, breathtaking.

OP, I'm not putting my friendship with her before my relationship.

I'm afraid you are if you're not willing to drop this woman who was rude to your husband in his home the first time she met him. I get it that you like her. I'm sure you liked the friend who you had an EA with. But if you're making your DH uncomfortable by getting close to her - and it sounds like it's perfectly reasonable for him to be uncomfortable, given your history and what she did - then it's just not on. It's emotional abuse, actually.

EggsFlorentine · 14/05/2014 16:17

Don't worry it wasn't about offending, I just don't want you to be too dismissive of current / potential friends if they are too 'like you'

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/05/2014 16:22

Give over OPohdear.

You have some very odd views.

ElkTheory · 14/05/2014 16:23

When you say it was an emotional affair, what does that mean to you? I don't mean to be intrusive. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business! I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of your situation.

From all that you have written it sounds as though your husband is insecure and controlling. And he was also unfaithful to you. What exactly has he "sacrificed" for you?

2rebecca · 14/05/2014 16:28

I think it's normal to get emotional support from same sex friends, that doesn't mean you fancy them or are having an emotional affair with them ffs.
I don't think there is a need to "drop" this woman just because she was offhand with her husband (although if I was in night attire I wouldn't be coming in to introduce myself to my husband's mates). She just needs to not see her around her husband. You seem overly harsh about this opohdear.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 16:28

No it's okay :)

I told her a LOT of stuff and some of it was about my marriage but it was more about me as a mother, how awful id felt after DS, how I felt losing my mum then dad. She was v tactile and would hug and kiss me a lot (not snogging) and stuff that wasn't exactly sexual but sort of was - giving my bum a quick slap and stuff. That was it really.

Anyway I really started questioning everything and then it all came tumbling out and then we agreed to start again and go forwards.

He sacrificed his job I guess although we didn't move until he found another one and some friendships that were local. I'm a lot happier back in my old town I have to say.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 14/05/2014 16:33

So he had a physical affair. Did you really have an emotional affair? Or did you have a close friendship and your husband has convinced you that it was actually an emotional affair (and therefore he can minimise his own actions or say that you were equally at fault)?

This, exactly. I know you don't want to go into detail but I suspect what you did was not actually as bad as you are kicking yourself for.

I can't believe you are feeling so guilty and like you can't rock the boat when he actually physically cheated on you!

Whatever mistake you made, it does not give him veto power over all your friendships going forward. That's not how it works, especially if you have both agreed to forgive and move on.

It sounds like you have had to struggle with quite a lot over the years, with not much support. If your husband can't understand that you need other sources of support than just him, especially when he's out long hours, he's part of the problem. I would really encourage you to find a way to get some counselling, it's very healing I think and would give you a more solid emotional foundation for dealing with these things.

dreamingbohemian · 14/05/2014 16:37

x-post

He has really done a number on you if you think that in any way equates to an emotional affair or disloyalty or anything Sad It certainly comes nowhere near to him actually cheating!

It is completely normal to seek emotional support and affection from your women friends, and some women are just more tactile than others. Honestly what have you done wrong???

I don't really see how much he sacrificed. His job, meanwhile he got another one. You however seem to have sacrificed the right to any emotional support without his approval. That's a big deal.

ElkTheory · 14/05/2014 16:37

Well, to me that doesn't sound like an emotional affair. Of course I don't mean that my interpretation is right, just that from your description I would see that as a close friendship. It sounds as though she was kind and supportive, something of a mother figure. If your husband is threatened by that sort of friendship, I think the problem lies with him entirely.

QueenofallIsee · 14/05/2014 16:38

Errm, you didn't have an emotional affair by that description, you had a good friend who made you feel worthy. Your knobber of a husband who was actually shagging about made you feel that you weren't allowed a mate that might actually not think he is a god and you ended up apologizing for it. I feel for you OP, no wonder you are lonely

QueenofallIsee · 14/05/2014 16:40

Sorry OP, me again. I can't seem to not say YOUR DH IS AN ABUSER. Please think about your life and take some control. It is really bothering me and others on this thread I think that someone is so downtrodden and doesn't seem to see that it is not OK

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 16:52

I'll post properly later as I'm a bit upset as everyone has been so nice; I honestly thought I'd get FLAMED. I've got a lot to think about.

OP posts:
ElkTheory · 14/05/2014 16:57

I don't usually become emotionally involved in threads on MN, but there is something so worrying to me about your posts, whynow. You have been carrying a lot of guilt (for three years!) about what sounds like a perfectly harmless friendship with someone who was kind and supportive. You have done nothing wrong at all as far as I can see. There is really nothing wrong with finding support from friends. Your DH doesn't need to be your only source of emotional support. His belief that he should be that sole source is yet another indication of a desire to control you.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 17:00

OP, I agree with the suggestion that you could do with some counselling. In fact, I think you both could - there seem to be some unresolved issues between you. Good luck.