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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

223 replies

whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 21:52

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think? Hmm

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/05/2014 09:15

It sounds as though he's made very sure that he's the main adult you see even though he works. Isolation is a classic abuse tactic. I bet he won't be encouraging you to take up your career again later even if you wanted to. By that time you wouldn't have the confidence to, I suspect.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 09:16

I don't really have any family left napoleon Sad this was one of the awful things that happened many years ago, I had already lost my mum when I was a teenager and then my dad died too.

I was desperate to go "home", I'd always wanted to but it became almost an obsession Hmm I think I thought that by going back to my hometown I'd reclaim my bit of identity that I felt I'd lost when my parents passed away. He was happy to do this but pointed out (nicely) he was giving a lot up and if we were going to move then use it to clear the air a bit.

I did something so, so incredibly stupid that year that I can't even post it on here as it's so embarrassing Blush (nothing criminal or anything!!) but he did forgive me for it and we moved past it, but that's where some of the wariness comes from. Sorry for the drip feed I just try not to think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 09:19

I definitely couldn't return to my former career to be honest, I HATED it!

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/05/2014 09:20

I think your H dislikes your new friend, because she sees right through him. You've given up other friendships with people who also could see past the perfect persona.

Keep the friend, she might be just want you need.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 14/05/2014 09:20

whynow I have a feeling your guilt over what you did has given him a reason to be in control, he's given up so much for you, sacrificed and so on.

I wonder why you did what you did. Perhaps you were looking for an out really, but now find yourself with a small baby and history repeating itself in terms of him wanting to determine where you go and what you do.

I would be starting to think about how you can regain some independence. He's not your dad or indeed your master, however guilty you feel.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 14/05/2014 09:22

Kerala in that situation, I think not remaining friends with the person who bullied your husband and about whom he made a formal complaint was the wise course of action!

ilovesooty · 14/05/2014 09:24

Taking up your career again doesn't necessarily mean returning to what you used to do.

However it sounds as though he won't be encouraging you to do anything that gives you any independence or confidence. He has you just where he wants you by the sound of it and woe betide you if you don't toe the line.

Shewhowines · 14/05/2014 09:25

A good relationship is a balance of equals. One person having too much power for whatever reason guilt is not healthy. You might have done something in the past that you feel guilty about, but that is in the past. For you relationship to be healthy you need to get past that and look at how it is now on a day to day basis.

BertieBotts · 14/05/2014 09:26

Being cleverer than you means he can beat you at scrabble or in a pop quiz.

It should not mean that he gets to be all superior and run rings around you. He should be talking at your level - not being patronising, not being superior, just relating to you on a one to one. If he doesn't/can't do that then he's not really respecting you or seeing you as an equal. You don't have to be 100% equal in every way - I'm more academic than my DH but he's more socially aware and keeps more up to date with things. It balances out and neither of us makes the other feel stupid. If he has to explain something to me he explains it, and vice versa.

If he is using his intelligence against you that is not working as a team, he is keeping you down for some reason or another.

HighwayDragon · 14/05/2014 09:26

There is someone you should ditch, and it isn't your friend! Seriously if dp told me not to 'renew' friendships he'd get a short thrift, though he wouldn't because he has more respect for me than that.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 09:28

He's not that bad to be honest! We haven't really discussed any future career as DD is not even a month old yet and I don't think either of is would want me to work until she's at school x

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 14/05/2014 09:38

It sounds as though she was a bit sharp but essentially meant it in a lighthearted way. Possibly a bit over familiar but not "never speak to her again" rude.

I can imagine exactly why you DH doesn't like her though, strong minded outsider who is clearly happy to voice her opinions - that is not going to appeal to be him one bit.

I'm sure he isn't all bad but the controlling your friends thing is very bad.

I'd keep her as a friend not only because you like her but also to remind your DH that you are not a child and can make up your own mind and will bloody well do so!

Pagwatch · 14/05/2014 09:42

Ok.
If he's normally fine then I would just leave things as they are.
But I would try and encourage you to step back from trying to appease things because he has moved for you.

You are a couple, not the same person.
It's healthy for you to have different opinions and indeed different friends. It's a good dynamic fr everyone. Surrounding yourself wth people like you and who agree with you is dull and will make you both stagnate. He should embrace the ways in which you see the world differently rather than trying to control it.

I would also encourage you to step back fom the self deprecating 'he's cleverer than me, I'm in awe of him'.
Bringing a child up where one parent endlessly recites that isnt great. It's a terrible example.

Welshwabbit · 14/05/2014 09:42

whynowblowwind, I have a friend whose husband used to try to stop her seeing me and most of her other friends. I used to think it was because there was a big age gap between us (we met at my Saturday/holiday job; she was full-time and around twice my age), but as he was the same with her other friends, who were the same age as her, I eventually decided it was just insecurity and jealousy. I think he thought we were going to "lead her astray" by introducing her to other men, or somehow undermining him, when we went out. TBH, I probably did spend quite a lot of time undermining him because I thought he was a complete arse to her - but that was entirely of his own making! Anyway, I am now the same age as she was when we met, married, with a son and whilst her husband and I are never going to be best buddies, we rub along fine together.

I wonder whether something about your new friend also makes your husband feel insecure? You said he defers to you for communication skills, so maybe if she's quite witty and sharp, he feels insecure in comparison? Or perhaps she reminds him of the friends you "gave up" when you returned to your home town? Either way, if you like your friend, and she is helping you with those tough new baby months, I wouldn't give her up. The way my friend and I managed was that I very rarely visited her at home. We obviously saw each other at work and then we went out together. That's not ideal, but you could go round to hers rather than having her round to yours, maybe.

sarinka · 14/05/2014 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Davsmum · 14/05/2014 09:46

I think your DHs 'instinct' about her may be right - Perhaps you will find this out in time - the longer you know her, BUT - it IS for you to find out for yourself and you should not 'dump' her just because DH says so.

I think it is fair not to have her at your house when he is there. You have not known her long so it is not worth tension between you and your DH.

OnlyLovers · 14/05/2014 09:48

I think it sounds as though she was going for light-hearted banter and it came out wrong or he took it wrong or both.

I think he's being a bit touchy trying to stop you seeing her after one encounter.

DP doesn't like a couple of my friends much, not because of anything they've done or said to him but just personality/opinion clashes. That's OK – I go out with them on my own. I can't stand one of DP's friends because I find him to be a misogynist and unpleasant in other ways too. Again, DP just sees him on his own. I'd never try to ban DP from seeing a friend and he wouldn't do it to me either.

Shewhowines · 14/05/2014 09:50

If dd is only a month old, you NEED this friendship for your sanity - as long as it makes you happy. By all means keep them apart, but I would have gone mad in the early days of a new baby if I hadn't gone out every day and interacted with the world and people.

Make him understand that this is for your mental well being and he needs to support you.

Pagwatch · 14/05/2014 09:52

Would people seriously stop a friend coming around when thir DH was there because he got the arse about one possibly snippy comment?

Really ?

I would keep her out of DHs way if they really had a long standing antipathy. But if it was after one encounter I would be firmly inthe 'get over yourself' camp.

Shewhowines · 14/05/2014 09:54

I agree with you pag but we have reasonable DH's.
It may be easier for the op to just keep them apart.

chipshop · 14/05/2014 09:58

Your friend sounds fine to me and your DH's reaction seems extreme. I know what you mean about wanting friends different from you too. Keep her!

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 14/05/2014 10:03

I know pag but I cba with the arguments and the disapproval that would inevitably follow.

OP posts:
MrsMikeDelfino · 14/05/2014 10:09

Wow. You're dripfeeding a lot, which is making it difficult to keep up! Going by your title alone, no your DH shouldn't be telling who you can and can't be friends with. You're not 5 years old. Hmm
Then you say she was rude and snippy to him and it was hate at first sight from both sides, and started just making random comments about him.
You don't just hate someone's guts within seconds of meeting and start picking at them, especially when it's a new friends husband and in their own house!
If that was the case, your DH wouldn't be unreasonable as she was a rude mare.
THEN, though, you go on in another post that DH has done this before and your friends have to be 'DH approved.'
Maybe she just picked up on that and thought he was a complete controlling arse? Which he does sound like from your posts.)
If my DH told me who I could and couldn't be friends with he'd soon get told to shut up! sadly my DH not being Mike Delfino despite the username Grin

MrsMikeDelfino · 14/05/2014 10:14

I suspect your new friend has picked up on your DH's controlling nature, just from things you've said, and thus was abrasive on meeting him

Yes to this too. One of my friend's xhusband was extremely controlling. Didn't like her doing anything. Went out with her one night, and went round to her house to pick her up.
When she came into the room, all dressed up he said something like 'don't think you're going out dressed like that.'
My immediate reaction was to say" Who are you, her dad?!" (I'm not usually gobby, I'm quiet but controlling stuff like that annoys me!)
Didn't see much of her after that. After seeing this thread, I was probably put down as being rude as well, when in all actual fact it was the DH at fault. Could be the same here, it sounds the same from what you've posted.

CrispyFern · 14/05/2014 10:15

If your DH came down in pyjamas then she was probably just making a joke to try to make him less embarrassed! He sounds touchy.