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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

223 replies

whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 21:52

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think? Hmm

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/05/2014 22:10

If my DH anything about "preferring I didn't do/See X", it'd annoy me. bigtime and he'd be ignored

But if someone came into my home and started making snide comments to my DH about his clothes and his work I'd be giving them a wide berth.

MagnaCharge · 13/05/2014 22:11

Yes I would drop her. I have done, a former friend was incredibly rude to DH both to his face and on Facebook based purely on his looks. I was furious, but I would have ditched her for doing that whether he asked me to or not.

2rebecca · 13/05/2014 22:12

It sounds as though he mainly doesn't want her in the house. She sounds rude and unpleasant. Commenting on someone you don't know's personal appearance is very rude, especially if it's a negative comment. If I invited someone to our house and they were rude about my husband he wouldn't need to ask me not to invite her back. I presume she was smoking in or around the house if he knows about her smoking.
If a friend of my husband's came round and made random comments about my appearance like that I'd be asking him not to invite him back and saying I didn't want to socialise with him.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:12

She is good fun and I like spending time with her.

I don't want to upset DH though and want to respect his wishes obviously. It's just I got so unwell with my first baby with PND I am scared of it happening again and the more I see people and smile and laugh the more real I feel.

OP posts:
everlong · 13/05/2014 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:14

I like her company, I find her funny and entertaining.

I've said to DH this doesn't mean she's going to be my next best friend just that I like spending time with her.

OP posts:
MostWicked · 13/05/2014 22:16

I wouldn't drop a friend because my partner told me to, my DH would never tell me to drop a friend, but if I felt that a friend had been rude to husband, I wouldn't just let that go. I would say something to them and if they did it again I would drop them.

ElkTheory · 13/05/2014 22:16

Certainly not. My husband doesn't dictate my friendships any more than I would try to control his.

However, if I were in your shoes and I thought that this particular woman was being rude to DH, and not just awkwardly attempting some banter, then I might rethink the friendship. But it would be my own decision, not my husband's. I would be outraged if my DH thought he could choose my friends (even phrased as "he would prefer it"). No way, no how.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/05/2014 22:17

She sounds rude, I don't blame your dh. You said she was being snidey. I would not bring her home whilst dh is there.

2rebecca · 13/05/2014 22:19

If you like her company then you just don't invite her to the house, although I'd probably ask her not to make rude personal comments to my husband again. "good fun" people are often a bit self centred and can make "jokes" at other people's expense.
I presume you don't have to give an account to your husband about who you meet every day so it's easy enough to go out together if you wish. I'd probably keep the relationship casual if your husband dislikes her though as my good friends tend to come round to the house.

TiredFeet · 13/05/2014 22:23

Depending on her tone of voice, could this not have been an (admittedly awkward and ill judged) attempt to break the ice?

Part of me does suspect a back story for them to have hit it off so badly!

I think I would want to give them a 2nd chance before writing them off because of one funny encounter

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:24

I don't think there was a back story - he'd have said if there was.

The friends DH likes best are lovely but just like me, which can be dull! It's nice to meet someone sometimes who isn't like you!

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 13/05/2014 22:26

Yep, good fun people can be met with separately from your DH.Grin You don't have to become best friends but it's handy to have close acquaintances that cheer you up for a quick cup of tea somewhere or an afternoon at the park with the DCs.

You might want to drop a hint about her over-familiarity coming across as rudeness, though...

scarletforya · 13/05/2014 22:27

Hmm. I don't like the sound of her. She sounds cheeky. It's his personal space. He doesn't need a lecture from a stranger about wearing pjs in his own home.

I'd move on. There are plenty more fish and all that.

eatmydust · 13/05/2014 22:29

She doesn't sound that rude- though admittedly it does depend on her tone of voice/ body language at the time. I'm thinking there's a bit of a back story here as well, if he doesn't normally react to your friends like this.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:30

It's really unlikely there was a back story, I can't think of a context where they'd have ever met. Also, he would almost certainly have told me exactly what the back story was, and therefore why she was a bad influence and To Be Avoided!

OP posts:
deakymom · 13/05/2014 22:32

well as much as i would like to say keep your friends ive dropped my mom and sister for my OH he didnt ask me to they were just so awful i did it anyway and i dropped a casual friend too but she was his ex wife really you're just starting out being friends she might not be worth the argument stick to groups for now see how it goes it sounds like he has a valid reason instead of a control freak which is what i thought when i read your title

Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/05/2014 22:35

My husband has a old friend from uni who manages to be rude every time we see her in exactly this kind of 'jokey' yet not funny way. Our compromise is I don't spend time with her, so if she's in town, he might meet up with her for a quick drink, I'm delighted not to go along. It's not very frequent though. I would not dream of asking him not to be friends with her, she's not deliberately rude, more socially unthinking, he's welcome to put up with it for old times sake, I don't feel the need!

MistressDeeCee · 13/05/2014 22:37

I wouldnt drop her unless she was openly rude to my DH. I wouldnt find that acceptable. She'd have to smoke outside though. If my DH had taken an irrational dislike to her I wouldnt like that of him either though, he'd have to keep it to himself its not for him to determine character of the friends I have. Im perfectly able to do that myself. Previous hubby was a nosey idiot - wanted to know all about my friends and their lives and was very judgmental. Had an opinion about all of them, mainly to annoy me. The more horrible things he could say about them, the better as far as he was concerned. Complete womanhater. Kicked to the kerb - my friends are still around. Lovely Grin

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/05/2014 22:39

Deaky, you have dropped your mum and your sister for your OH?Shock

OutsSelf · 13/05/2014 22:41

I think it's fair for your DH to ask you not to bring her to your house - that's something I would expect to ask of my DP. However, socialising with her outside of the house is really none of his business as it doesn't directly affect him.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:41

Oh she didn't smoke in the house, I would have said something, but DH says she may want to hold our DD, and he doesn't want her smelling of smoke.

DH has done this before and it can be frustrating as it essentially limits me to friendships with people who are as I say similar to me.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 13/05/2014 22:41

I'd respect my DHs wishes not to bring someone that was snidey to me into my home, and I would expect him to do the same. I can imagine being extremely pissed off at having to deal with someone who isn't polite to me in my own house just because DH wants it.

I wouldn't expect him to stop being friends with someone, I'd just expect that friendship not to involve me and I'd expect him to meet this friend in one of the many other places they could go rather than our home. And it would work both ways.

ElkTheory · 13/05/2014 22:43

That actually sounds a bit worrying, whynow. Have you agreed to give up friendships before because your husband has asked you to?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/05/2014 22:44

If he's done it before, the problem lies with him and not these friends. Unless she's extremely rude, how can he decide she's so terrible after one meeting, in which she made a remark which could be understood in many ways. As for not making friends with a smoker, he's really precious. I have friends who smoke- this is not an issue, not to me anyway!

Does he try to tell you what to do in other areas of your life? What does he think will happen if you have interesting/exciting friends?