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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

223 replies

whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 21:52

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think? Hmm

OP posts:
Springheeled · 13/05/2014 22:45

Dh has done this before?
Hmm
You like her, so see her.

aermingers · 13/05/2014 22:46

If one of DH's friends came to our home and was rude to me I would expect he wouldn't allow that person to return to my home.

If a friend of mine did this I would also see it as a red flag she would treat me badly somewhere down the line. Put it this way, if she really respected and valued you she would be polite to your family. I would probably drop her.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:47

Yes. We had a really awful patch a few years ago now and it was really make or break so we changed a LOT of stuff and one of the things to go were a few friendships, it was easy to do this as we moved house as well to a different area which is actually the town I grew up in. I wasn't without friends but they were 'DH approved' Hmm

It's hard to explain but he doesn't like being challenged really, with other people I mean. Yet I know he means well.

OP posts:
Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:47

X posts sorry :)

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/05/2014 22:48

Was she really rude, or was she just making a light-hearted joke when confronted with a husband in his pyjamas the first time he met her? I would expect my husband to put on clothes/jogging bottoms in this situation. She may have said something silly, especially when she caught the frosty vibes off your husband who seemed to dislike her on sight and judge her for smoking.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/05/2014 22:50

So, let me guess, he suggested you get rid of all the friends who said he might not be the world's best husband?

I think you know the answer yourself of if this is reasonable. Don't let him tell you who you can see, in fact, feisty friends with their own mind may be just what you need in the future.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:50

She was a BIT snide. I personally wouldn't have been offended but I can also see how he was especially as we're obviously both tired with a new baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:51

I think you're probably right napoleon Hmm hadn't quite thought of it like that before to tell you the truth

OP posts:
ElkTheory · 13/05/2014 22:53

The more you write, the more concerning it all seems. Tell him he doesn't have to see this person if he doesn't care to but that you are more than capable of choosing your own friends, thank you very much.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 22:55

Thanks elk, the problem is he is a lot cleverer than me and can easily make things seem very fair and reasonable, even when they're not. It's only when I write them down I think 'hang on!'

OP posts:
CrystalSkulls · 13/05/2014 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/05/2014 23:00

He might be a lot cleverer on paper, but do you not trust yourself to choose a friend? My husband doesn't love all my friends, I have one colleague I get on well with but my husband really doesn't like too much, I see her for a coffee at work or at home and he just says 'hi' and doesn't join us. We don't plan dinner round our house with her and her husband.

I think you have deeper issues than this one remark. I wonder just how much you have given up already to try to get this relationship back on track (perhaps try posting in Relationships if you want to think this through further?)

Burren · 13/05/2014 23:07

This is clearly about more than this one instance. In view of what you've said, he sounds touchy, controlling, and heavily invested in limiting your friendships. So no, in your shoes, I wouldn't be cutting off a new friendship for a casual comment with no malice intended - it sounds as if your husband is looking for reasons to require you to limit yourself to friends of whom he approves. I'd also be asking myself why he does this, and why you are prepared to put up with it.

scarletforya · 13/05/2014 23:12

Oh. That puts a completely different complexion on it Op. I wouldn't stand for that. It's controlling.

Also he's not that clever or he would have been able to think of a witty rejoinder when your friend was cheeky.

Don't have him on a pedestal.

ilovesooty · 13/05/2014 23:17

I wasn't without friends but they were 'DH approved'

And you think he "means well"? Really?

the problem is he is a lot cleverer than me and can easily make things seem very fair and reasonable, even when they're not. It's only when I write them down I think 'hang on!'

That sounds worrying to me. And no, if you like this friend and she makes you feel better I'd go on seeing her. If he loves you he should welcome relationships that contribute positively to your mental well being, but I'm wondering if he really does (welcome such relationships I mean).

cees · 13/05/2014 23:24

You're husband tells you who you may be friends with and he tells you to drop the ones he doesn't like, you realize how controlling he is don't you?

That is not healthy, your problem here is him not her. Don't let him dictate who you get to hang out with, it's none of his business.

cutefluffybunnes · 13/05/2014 23:26

I suspect your new friend has picked up on your DH's controlling nature, just from things you've said, and thus was abrasive on meeting him. She's probably primed not to like him, and he is indeed controlling and doesn't want you having strong-minded friends who disagree with him. That's how you got the 'hate at first sight' scenario.

I'd hang onto her. She could be just what you need.

Trollsworth · 13/05/2014 23:27

You mention the phrase "bad influence" - is that a complaint he's had before? That your friends are a bad influence?

Because, you know, you're not four. Other people are not longer a good or bad influence on you - they are either an influence you enjoy or do not enjoy. You enjoy her company, therefore she is an enjoyable influence.

You do not require your husbands help and approval to choose friends.

This whole 'not likening to be challenged' business sounds about as controlling as an air traffic controller who got given a new set of controllers for his birthday, and is demonstrating them to all his controlling friends. I'm being flippant but seriously, it's mental, don't stand for it.

Chippednailvarnish · 13/05/2014 23:30

He'll be suggesting that you see less of your family next...

Martorana · 13/05/2014 23:34

"He's touchy about stuff like that though."

This was a red flag for me. It does sound as if you have to be very careful not to upset him in anyway.

Swisskissingisbetterthenfrench · 13/05/2014 23:41

I don't think his behaviour is normal. It's not normal to dictate who other people can be friends with and it's not normal to manipulate a spouse. What else does he try to control? There must be more.

It sounds to me like your friend was trying to have a bit of fun banter with DH while DH was being totally defensive and over sensitive. Does he have a sense of humour?

Your friend hasn't actually done anything really wrong has she? She was just a bit tongue in cheek with DH, but thats fine. She hasn't killed your cat, cut holes in all your socks or stolen your diamonds.

DH has never ever asked me not to see a friend. He knows my friends offer me support and he wants me to feel happy. He knows my friends are important to my well being.

BillyBanter · 13/05/2014 23:41

Hm. On the one hand what she said did seem a bit snide and if my DP's friend spoke to me like that on first meeting in my home I probably wouldn't be keen to be in their company again.

But your DH seems to have form for telling you who you can be friends with. This is not good. You are a grown up who can choose your own friends. How would he react if you said you wanted him to drop one of his friends? It's one thing for him not to like someone. It's another to want you to not see her at all.

Alsohe is a lot cleverer than me and can easily make things seem very fair and reasonable, even when they're not is said so so many times on threads where the OP is being abused by their partner.

Morloth · 14/05/2014 02:46

I have a couple of friends DH can't stand and some of his are complete prats.

I don't subject him to my friends he doesn't like and he keeps his prats away from me.

What we don't do is socialize with those friends in our home. We are both very protective of 'home' and if DH doesn't want someone in our house then they are not there and the same goes for me.

Your situation sounds a bit more worrying than that though.

Hell would freeze over before DH thought he could tell me who I can be friends with.

Gennz · 14/05/2014 02:59

From the thread title I though - absolutely ot, I would never drop a friend because DH said to.

Then I read the post and thought actually maybe she was a bit rude and distancing yourself might not be a bad idea.

Now havng read subsequent posts I've gone back to square 1 and think your DH sounds controlling and you should hang on to this friend.

I like some of DH's friends more than other, and I know he can find my best friend a bit exhausting because we have known each other 30 years and get drunk & stupid and think we are hilarious together but neither of us have ever tried to 'bar' a friend. You might choose to see them more without your OH, but it's not really on for one partner to tell the other to drop a friend.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 14/05/2014 03:09

Another hearty Yes vote for your friend, here! For the same reasons as previous posters - you just might need her. Plus, as you rightly say, it's a very good idea to have some fun in your life when you're run ragged after a new baby :)

I suspect she has picked up on your awe of DH, hence the 'big important' remark. She could have been a bit more subtle, but surely she's in new-baby shock too?

Have fun, whynow! Trust yourself to choose your friends. And get DH down off that pedestal, please, he's not that smart Wink