Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

223 replies

whynowblowwind · 13/05/2014 21:52

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think? Hmm

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 14/05/2014 17:00

We'll be here OP

I find it very sad you thought you'd be flamed. You sound like a very nice person who's being horribly manipulated by an insecure and controlling man. That must be a lot to absorb but I think it would be good to start thinking about things, and to get more support for yourself.

I suspect you think you can't tell your friends about any of this or else you'll be disloyal and a bad wife. But that's really not true. You can tell your friends anything you need to. Don't be afraid to talk about what's bothering you.

Shewhowines · 14/05/2014 17:05

If you didn't fancy her, nothing sexual happened and you got emotional support from her, that is a definition of a good friend in my book. My best friends know all my innermost thoughts. They are happy to analyse everything over and over again, unlike DH who likes to hear it, fix it if possible and move on.

Your DH did not like you having such a good friend. He was worried she would help you see the real truth about him. He didn't want his affair and controlling ways to be analysed by anyone who could help you see that it isn't a particularly good or healthy relationship.
He's done a good job on you Sad

heraldgerald · 14/05/2014 17:09

Goodness o p. You really didn't cheat in any way on your dh. Good luck, don't take the blame for everything

EverythingIsAwesome · 14/05/2014 17:23

You had a good friendship, you did not have an emotional affair :(

Ilovexmastime · 14/05/2014 17:28

The more of your posts I read, the more worried I become about your relationship.

You didn’t have an emotional affair, you just had a good friend, unless sonething else was going on? I snogged my best friend, way back in my uni days. My DH knows this, he also knows that I tell her everything. If he suggested that we were having an emotional affair I would, quite literally, piss myself laughing and remind him of his ridiculousness at regular intervals. If he suggested that I drop her, I would suggest that he got a grip. If he insisted, then I know who I would choose and he'd be packing his bags.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 17:38

Everyone who thinks this wasn't an emotional affair, do you actually believe that a woman can have an EA with another woman? Or is it always 'just good friends'?

And would you be happy if your DH was telling another woman LOTS about your relationship, was very tactile and huggy and kissy with her, and did 'stuff that wasn't exactly sexual but sort of was' like bum slapping? They're 'just good friends', right? Yeah right! Hmm

2rebecca · 14/05/2014 17:47

Are you her husband?

TitusFlavius · 14/05/2014 17:50

OPohdear, I'm finding your interpretation of this whole thread very odd. You jumped in awfully quickly to say (and have repeated since) that the OP has "form for poor boundaries and putting your relationship with friends ahead of your relationship with him, causing him humiliation" when I haven't seen evidence of that from OP's posts at all.

I'm bi. I know what an emotional relationship with another woman looks like. I know what an actual relationship with another woman looks like. I also know what good, close, supportive friendship looks like, and that's what I see in OP's description of her relationship with this friend she was made to drop. Friendship.

OP, I also see a lot of controlling behaviour from your husband. I do know what it's like to spend time with people who are verbally very clever - one of my closest, longest friends is both quite controlling, and is so verbally dextrous that she will win any argument she gets into, and you are left feeling like a fool and of course she is right. Except she isn't always right, even if she can argue her way out of anything, and it's only because I've known her forever (and don't have to live with her) that I can tell her so. Just because someone can tie you verbally into knots doesn't make what they say gospel.

Good luck, OP.

TitusFlavius · 14/05/2014 17:51

2rebecca I did wonder, too. I'm getting some very odd vibes from that one.

bigbuttons · 14/05/2014 17:55

opohdear, you have issues, clearly.

Op, your Dh's behaviour gives me the creeps. You have a very unhealthy relationship.

ElkTheory · 14/05/2014 17:55

Of course women can have emotional affairs with other women. But from the OP's description, this relationship was a close friendship and nothing more.

And I assume you mean "if your DH was telling another man LOTS about your relationship," etc. not "another woman." That would be the equivalent situation, after all.

bigbuttons · 14/05/2014 17:56

God, yes, perhaps it's her OH!

LookingThroughTheFog · 14/05/2014 18:01

do you actually believe that a woman can have an EA with another woman?

I don't know. Literally; I find the line between EA and friendship tricky, and resolve this by not having any close friendships (sort of kidding - but I don't have a friend who I'm that close to).

However, the thing I find interesting here, is that there are two parties in the relationship, and one got very close to someone else without embarking on a sexual relationship with them, and the other who did embark on a sexual relationship.

And for some reason, all your posts are castigating the former and not the latter.

iirc · 14/05/2014 18:19

To be honest I wouldn't listen to orders from my partner or anyone. If they said 'I don't mean to upset you, but can you not invite x over when I'm here as they have been rude to me' I'd be more than happy to agree to that, because it's his personal space too but to tell me not to see someone is not his place.

Having said that, if someone was horrible to him I'd make the decision myself to not be friends with that person.

I think it depends if she was being jokey and he took it the wrong way or she was being snidey as she's jealous he has a well paying job and he was just trying to be nice. If the former, I'd simply say to him 'I wont invite her back to the house, but I will socialise with her outside the house' that's when he's in, that is.

If it was the latter, I'd ditch her myself as she's obviously not a very pleasant person behaving like that to a complete stranger.

I find being jokey to someone you don't know can go very wrongly, as you don't know how they'll take it.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 14/05/2014 18:30

Oh, good, someone else has said it. I read OPohdear's first post just before going out, and immediately wondered if he's the husband.

Ignoring that poster, whynow, I do feel your H has undermined your confidence and independence. This is never a good sign I hope you'll keep posting, get that back, and stay friends with this lively woman.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 18:44

No of course I'm not! But I'd love to hear the DH's point of view - perhaps he can post here after the OH shows him the thread.

ElkTheory, it doesn't really matter if it's a man or woman, this is an emotional affair we're talking about and man-to-man EA's aren't very common, as far as I know.

Pagwatch · 14/05/2014 18:49

I wouldn't want to hear the views of the ops husband.
He already seems to think his view/opinions/feelings are most important - I don't really need to hear him assure everyone that he knows his wife's relationships best. Because he doesn't .

TitusFlavius · 14/05/2014 18:50

Yeah, OPohdear, you aren't helping us think you aren't him by suggesting OP show her husband the thread.

It's really, really irresponsible of you to suggest this. You are one of the few people here who don't think that the husband is pretty controlling. To hand over even more power and control to a controlling man in an already pretty unpleasant situation is not a recipe for safety.

OP, if you see this, please do post. I'm a bit worried about you now.

Pagwatch · 14/05/2014 18:51

It's not an emotional affair.
The only person who would think so was someone deeply insecure about any relationships outside their primary one.

ElkTheory · 14/05/2014 18:52

The point is, the equivalent for a heterosexual man would be to have a close friendship with another man. I wonder why you think "man-to-man EA's aren't very common." But any discussion of emotional affairs is moot, since the OP did not (as far as I can see) have an emotional affair.

Anyway, I don't want to distract from the main issues that the OP is coping with. whynow, I hope you return to this thread.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 18:58

Even the OP thinks it was an EA! And from what she's written, it sounds like she was overly invested emotionally in her relationship with her friend to the detriment of her emotional investment in her marriage. What's your definition of an EA?

TitusFlavius · 14/05/2014 19:01

Nope, that's your interpretation of what the OP wrote, which you were pressing heavily from the very start. Nobody else that I can see here (apart from the OP's husband) seems to see it like that.

Pagwatch · 14/05/2014 19:02

Of course the op thinks its an emotional affair. Because that's what her husband convinced her to believe in order to try and insert himself in the relationship.

Friendship, hugs, sharing confidences are simple acts of friendship.

Seriously, you have to have a really skewed view of life to think that there was anything inappropriate in that.

Pagwatch · 14/05/2014 19:03

Is your partner allowed friendships OPohdear ?

Do you find friendships outside your influence threatening

dreamingbohemian · 14/05/2014 19:07

Do not show your husband this thread