To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

[whynowblowwind]

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think?

OP, your new friend sounds like a right bitch and I can see why your DH doesn't want his baby getting close to her.

But I'm more interested in these other friends he didn't like. What kind of relationship did he have with them? Was this "so, so incredibly stupid" thing you did anything to do with them? Did you tell them personal or embarassing details about your love life? Did they try to meddle in your marriage?

Maybe he thinks history is about to repeat itself.

How does she sound like a right bitch? from what op has said it seems like she was trying to difuse a possibly awkward or embarrassing situation with humour.

How does she sound like a right bitch?

OP: He came down and did a sort of 'hi, nice to meet you' and she made some comment like 'even big important (DHs profession) get time off then?' When he said yes, yes of course she then made some snide remark about using it wisely (he was in PJs!)

So, sarky and snide to him in his home the first time they meet! What a charmer...

Sorry, I know I am drip feeding and I honestly didn't mean to

The stupid thing I did was to do with one friend yes. DH didn't meet the others I don't think. But if I said 'oh jane says' and things like that.

He just felt/feels (I did as well) like things needed sorting, or we couldn't go forward and to me that wasn't an option. We did have a conversation where I said I wasn't happy with XYZ, he saw my point and said he wasn't happy with some stuff either, and one was a small circle of friends I used to have.

And I did think 'here we go again' when he said that last night. I'll talk to him today.

So, sarky and snide to him in his home the first time they meet! What a charmer...

See, to me that doesn't read as snarky and snide. Obviously I wasn't there, so don't know what tone it was used with.
Tone is everything. If it was clipped or snarky, then fair enough, could be bitchy.
It could just have easily been said in a dry, humour way.

No.

I might not bring her to the house if he objected though.

DH has some friends I don't much care for but, although I don't expect him not to see them, I know he wouldn't expect me to spend time with them.

i think as you will be a sahm, you would benefit from a wide range of friends who are confident and independent minded to help you keep perspective. also a course in assertiveness training and some savings of your own in case things get too much

thanks I am feeling very lonely just now

See, to me that doesn't read as snarky and snide.

Well, it was definitely sarky (probably snarky as well), and the OP herself described it as snide...

OP, so you did something very stupid that you regret with one friend. Did this poison your DH's relationship with her, and with her small circle of friends whom he hadn't even met? Sounds pretty heavy. Do you think it was reasonable of him to want a bit of distance from them after that, or do you still resent him for it? Was your friendship with them having a negative effect on your marriage? Did you take responsibility for that?

Probably 'here we go again' is exactly what he's thinking, too. I hope the talk with your DH goes well, but if you've got form for poor boundaries and dodgy friendships, I'd make it very clear to him that you're not going to make the same mistakes again and that your marriage really is the most important relationship in your life.

What exactly was it that you did with this other friend?

I really can't talk about that sorry ...

And you wonder why people accuse you of dripfeeding?

I don't mean "give me all the details" but a rough idea of what context the stupid thing you did might be helpful.

Currently your husband appears to be a controlling arse but if there is a salient issue in the past...

She doesn't sound very easy. If she meant the comments the way they sounded she's rude, if she blurted them out without thinking she's thoughtless. Either way not great.

No way would I be giving up a friendship based on such flimsy evidence of her being a bad 'un just because my DH didn't like her! And he's done this before? Really? Sounds a bit worrying to me.

Have you any hobbies where you can meet people? That way you meet a variety of people and are usually meeting them outside the house so whether your husband likes them or not is irrelevant.
Your husband does sound controlling about your friends. Perhaps you should just meet them and not do the "Jane says" thing and keep your conversations with them private.
Don't lie to him but don't elaborate either.
If he asks to meet them you can tell him you're wary of him meeting your friends as he then thinks he can have a say in whether or not you see them.
Hard to know if he's controlling or you pick unpleasant people as friends and then discuss their opinions too much.
You don't sound very confident so I'd go down the hobby route and build friendships from there.

I don' see why him being clever is anything to do with how he treats you.
Statistically I'm cleverer than 95% of the population, I don't go around making conditions on who they can be friends with though...

I think you need to stop using the term "clever" to mean "superior to me and knows best so I must obey" which is how its coming across.
When a man is controlling and the woman constantly makes excuses about him - then it's leaning to abusive relationship territory.

I really really don't like the "he let me move home as long as I didn't see certain people". He is controlling. I think your friend has twigged that and he doesn't like her because she doesn't buy your myth of "so clever, so admirable, so must be obeyed" routine.

I agree with the first 2 paragraphs Miggsie. I'd need more details about the 3rd though. I'd be reluctant to move to my husband's town of birth if he had a group of friends there I hated and I knew no-one there and was happy where i was. I'm not sure moving back to your childhood town is ever as great as you think it'll be though. Friends have usually moved on and fitting in again is usually harder than expected.
I'm also unclear as to whether the husband is just not wanting to have this friend in his house and to have to socialise with her himself or whether he doesn't want the OP to be friends with her at all. The latter is unreasonable, but the former is OK. My husband and I don't invite people round the other dislikes, not that we have many people we dislike so the situation has never arisen, we also both see people in our jobs so are less bothered about having people round on an evening or weekend and tend to go out to see people (if we can be bothered)

OP: He came down and did a sort of 'hi, nice to meet you' and she made some comment like 'even big important (DHs profession) get time off then?' When he said yes, yes of course she then made some snide remark about using it wisely (he was in PJs!)

I think in his place - I would have been a bit taken aback at a response like hers on first meeting! She doesn't know him - she is in his house..and she is being impolite..too familiar and to be honest, rude!
He was polite and said 'nice to meet you' - SHE was rude!

Its ok to make remarks like that when you know someone - but I would be put right off someone like that. In OPs position I would have been shocked too,.. It would have put me right off the woman.
I would never be that desperate for a friend - I would find another one!

Just a thought: what if you tell your friend what has happened and see what she says? Her reaction will be quite revealing I think.

Either she will say, "OMG OP can you not see what a controlling abusive gas lighting cockend he is?" In which case you have a good listen and decide if she is right.

Or she says, "OMG OP I am so sorry, I would never set out to offend someone in their own home," and apologises to him, in which case his reaction will tell you a lot too

You sound like a really lovely person OP, I hope you can sort this out.

Honestly, I can only apologise for drip feeding. I didn't mean to. I've got a feeling I know somebody on here, could be mistaken, I trust them although we've not spoken for ages, but it has made me realise others potentially are reading as well.

DH felt some people - only one or two, it's not like it was all my friends or anything, had a strong influence on me and therefore on our marriage. That's it.

I tend to be drawn to quite strong minded women, probably as I'm not one myself and admire this quality in others. And in one case, late in 2011 so a while back now, it sort of crossed the friendship line. Not quite an affair but not quite not, either. So DH obviously wasn't pleased but he also understood why it happened. So if I defend somebody too passionately it looks suspicious and it does if I lie as well - do you see what I mean?

Amethyst that really made me laugh

The cats ran off as I scared them laughing!

Ah I see, so his behaviour is linked to paranoia it will happen again. Though understandable, acting as he does won't make it not happen but it might cause you to distance yourself from him.

It sounds as though he has trust issues.

Partly. He has been unfaithful and "properly" - not in my "inappropriate but not actually" sense. More of am emotional affair I suppose. Maybe that's worse, actually im all muddled now.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that. Let me guess - your DH thought that your strong-willed friend who you had a 'not quite not an affair' (a same-sex emotional affair?) with was a bad influence on your marriage. Sounds like he might've been right!

Please, please, please. If you have form for poor boundaries and putting your relationship with friends ahead of your relationship with him, causing him humiliation, then don't do it again! Show him you have changed and are now prioritising your marriage by dropping this nasty cow.