Petty row. AIBU

[VitoCorleone]

I have 3 note books, I'm a bit obsessed with lists and order so in one book i have my meal plan and shopping list. The other two are recipies and stuff.

On the front page is just lines so ive wrote on the front, for example, "meal plans. Shopping lists"

Got up this morning and DP had wrote a note, right on the very front page the fucking football score, hope your feeling better, love you.

I text and asked why he's wrote on the front page and not just used a blank page i can rip out. He's told me to go and fuck myself, don't bother him again 'you prick'

Should i have said nowt?

(told you it was petty)

Herc, stop twisting things.

The relationship with her mother must have been a BIG problem. Cutting her mother out was a solution.

She's not the first, she won't be the last.

It sounds like she had a damn good reason.

Six and two threes. Poor performances all round. You and your DP need to work on communication issues or your relationship will deteriorate further.

Do you want to stay together?

Then perhaps she should come right out and say it instead of beating around the bush like that?

I suspect I agree with some of what Herc MEANS, but certainly not what she is SAYING.

To be honest in not even sure at what Herc is getting at.

What the PROBLEM is, is that if the OP has been brought up by a woman who is abusive, then she can have become so used to this that she doesn't notice the first signs in a partner that other people would notice and run from.

If your self esteem is eroded by an abusive parent, it can be hard to spot a decent man, your judgment can be skewed.

Only in THIS way do I agree with Herc that having a mother who has threatened you as a current problem, because the EFFECTS of this are ongoing, and not solved by simply cutting out the mother.

crus Of course I don't. But that ongoing situation is in and of itself, a new problem. Abuse can perpetuate. People who are in abusive relationships seek out other people with whom to form abusive relationships. And so on. Most of the people commenting on this thread probably assumed that everything else was equal - but it's clearly not. OP has also been a bit aggressive towards other posters. There's clearly loads more going on that one notebook (whether or not you subscribe to the 'defacement of property' viewpoint).

OP, I hope your situation improves. I think you need to look beyond the notebook though, I suspect that that is the least of your problems.

I know this is a radical suggestion but could you not just cross out what he wrote? Also, maybe when he gets home, tell him unless he stops swearing and calling you a prick, you will be considering your relationship with him. That may make him realise how bad it is.

I think Herc may be pointing out, albeit obliquely, that the OP has been subjected to abuse by the two people that would usually be considered to be the people who would most take care of you. That perhaps her mother being the type to threaten to batter the OP is relevant.

IMO, it's unlikely that threat came from the blue and more likely that it was part of a pattern of behaviour that the OP experienced growing up. And this has conditioned her to accept abuse when others would not, and this has made her vulnerable to becoming involved in abusive relationships with other people .

Who have i been aggressive to on here?

DIY I said she had more problems than just the notebook. That is what I said, that is what I meant (it's clearly true) and she took issue with that. Abusive relationships are a problem. Cutting contact doesn't erase the existence of the abuse. But it was clearly a solution in one case and might be in the other one. I don't think this is about a notebook at all, really. I think the notebook is an excuse. When I thought it was about the notebook, I thought the OP was being unreasonable. Now that I see it's not about the notebook, I think she should LTB. But not because of the notebook. Is that clear enough?

Thank you Herc - you finally explained yourself.

Perhaps you should have done that earlier?

I think you were being unreasonable about the notebook. YANBU about the level of abuse you got. BUT you then call him "a nasty gobshite" on here....not a lot of respect on either side from what I can see.

If you feel i have been aggressive to you Herc then i apologise, that certainly wasn't my intent

DIY I was perfectly clear all along.

Surely the correct response would be

'love you too and thanks for the football score but you know how precious I am about my notebooks! Grr.' instead of what the fucking at him.

Then if he still came back with calling you a prick then that would be unreasonable but as it is it's a petty argument with both of you at fault.

I don't think she was being unreasonable about the notebook - I like my notebooks!

If DH messed up the pages in my notebook just because he couldn't be bothered turning a few pages then I'd be annoyed with him and would tell him so. That way the NEXT time he wanted to use one of the pages, he would use a page that I could rip out - pretty much what the op did and was hoping for. What DH WOULDN'T do was call me abuse names because I'm feeling a bit precious about my notebooks. He'd just laugh at me and my preciousness (and then go and buy me more notebooks!!! )

Herc - I worked out what you were going on about. The op clearly didn't. It was CLEAR she didn't understand what you meant. Would it have killed you to explain yourself a bit more clearly?

Vito - you weren't particularly aggressive to me. I thought you were a bit rude to another OP but I thought she was a bit rude to you too, to be fair.

I really do hope you find a good resolution to your situation. People often focus on a small, well defined issue because the thing that is really the problem is just too big and difficult to contemplate. If your DP isn't all bad then it should be possible to talk calmly to him about the fact that you don't like being called nasty names (which I have consistently said is wrong, on this thread, FWIW) when he has stopped being all pissed off about the result. I hope that you are able to find a way to get past all this. And I'm really sorry about your situation with your mother.

The irony is that DP hates my mum because of the way she used to treat me before i cut contact

Look, if there is more to this than your posts here that is one thing but on the basis of this you over-reacted and were aggressive to him over a nice thing, badly executed. He responded in kind.

Your title sums it up. Petty Argument.

Try to learn a different way of communicating than the one growing up with your mum taught you.

I don't feel he responded in kind.

I can think of many times I have let DH know I was pissed off with something he did, sometimes over silly things. He would never, ever call me a prick and tell me to go fuck myself.

My worry is if he responds this was over such a little thing, how does he behave in a real argument.

No one has the right to speak to you like that Vito. The whole provoking thing is just his way of minimising and taking the blame off of himself.

You love your notebooks. He knows that.

He carelessly ruined it with thoughtless scribble and when you got angry about it and pointed it out, he

1/ made you feel stupid (are you serious)
2/ and then got defensive and made it all about you, your problems, etc.

What. an. ASS. Who cares it was "just" X? You cared. The normal response would have been...oh, sorry, I didn't realise.

I can't believe you apologised. No wonder he talks to you like you're shit.

These two are not just football fans. They are Liverpool fans. OP's DP's remarks are but sentimental pillow talk in their world.
That's a marvellous generalisation Grovel , however DP and I are both LFC fans and don't speak to each other like this, but hey ho, keep on with those sweeping generalisations.

Vito how do you feel when he speaks to you like that? It seems unnecessarily aggressive to me?