To be upset that DH has ruined today with his bad mood?

[sharkshorts]

DH sometimes gets in a bad mood if he is tired. He can't seem to accept that sometimes tiredness is part and parcel of being an adult/parent and that sometimes you just have to get on with it.

He worked yesterday. Admittedly it was quite a long day, but he got home at 6pm in a foul mood because he was tired, so I was quite relieved when he went to bed at 9. He had about 12 hours sleep as I got up with our youngest child this morning.

We'd planned a family day out today to an adventure-type park. The DCs have been looking forward to it. When DH got up this morning it was obvious that he was in a bad mood still, so I offered to take the kids by myself if he was still tired and grumpy. But no, he insisted on coming.

He has spent the whole day acting like a big child; giving one word answers, pulling faces when he doesn't like the sound of something, ignoring the kids and I when we spoke to him. He got in a right old strop at one point because I asked him to hold DS's drink whilst I helped DS off a slide. You could cut the atmosphere in the car on the way home with a knife...

We got home, and I said to DH that it wasn't fair to take his bad mood out on the DCs and I, and then of course I got it in the neck and now he is in a worse mood because of "my attitude". A few minutes ago he stomped off upstairs and shut the bedroom door, presumably for a sleep, of course leaving me with all the childcare etc, without even telling me that he was going up!

We were going to go out for tea tonight but DH said when we got back that he didn't want to and basically fired off a list of things that he does want, so I'm guessing he is expecting me to take the kids off to the supermarket to get the things, then prepare tea.

I hate it when he is in these moods; my own father was extremely moody and when DH behaves this way it casts a cloud on my day. I was so looking forward to a nice family day out, having fun, and now I feel that he has ruined it.

I also work full time while DH is a SAHD. Like don't think this gives me license to strop about.

He's choosing his targets. In this case, you. He's not depressed, he's an arse, and a rather calculating one.

*My first reaction was that he is playing away and does not want to be where he is.

Sorry,but that was my gut reaction.*

Sorry OP. That was the first thing I thought when I read your post too.

I used to know a man like this he would sulk 'at' people (me). Funnily enough he could snap out of it instantly if unexpected guests turned up or if we bumped into someone he knew while we were out.

Funny that isn't it? They can snap out of it double quick time when they bump into someone else. It's nasty, calculated behaviour and should not be tolerated.

The responses on here are odd. Very odd.

Caitlin- what are you doing for Christmas? Just so that I know what I'm going to do for my Christmas celebrations because with your logic we can only do things you and your husband would enjoy

It was a prearranged day out, presumably OP and her dimwit of a DH had already discussed going out on the bank holiday and where they were going too. The children had been informed etc etc. if he wanted to relax on the bank holiday he more than likely had the option of speaking up and saying "DW, I actually fancy staying home on Monday." I'm assuming he's capable of that. Maybe when Monday rolled round he had changed his mind and maybe didn't want to go, so he could have said "DW actually, I'm really sorry but I'm not sure I'm feeling up to today. I'd like to stay in. I know the kids have been looking forward to it so maybe we can rearrange and go next weekend or something." It's called communication and it's very basic.

I grew up with a dad like this and it's fucking ridiculous. He's a grown man and he should be able to express what he's thinking in a more constructive way than grunts and snaps. And it's ridiculous that people pussy foot around people like this. I'm so, so, so glad you didn't make him dinner OP.

Him being the main earner, sole earner, part-timer makes no fucking difference- it's an unacceptable way to treat people. Ignoring not only your wife but your children when they're talking to you is just not on. Not for any reason.

And he's tired- he worked until 6. That's really not that late. Even with a long day, he had three hours to relax before he went to bed and then had 12 hours. Bullshit he was tired. My DP can be a bit moody when tired (but I mean properly exhausted) but he's nothing like this.

He's choosing his targets. In this case, you. He's not depressed, he's an arse, and a rather calculating one.

Totally agree. Well done on doing your own thing OP. I hope DH reflects on his dreadful behaviour and grows up a bit.

My XH used to be like this.

OP it worries me that you're planning how to avoid/ ignore his next sulk. I used to do that to. XH would get into these irrational moods that would always be my fault, or if they weren't my fault entirely it was my fault for not guessing he was tired/ ill/ having a bad time at work (ignoring that fact that asking how work was going was always a sure-fire way for me to get shouted at). It used to be worse when he'd had a drink. I'd get texts listing everything I was doing or had done wrong and how I was lucky to have him. I used to lie in bed awake and worrying, waiting for him to come in and knowing there was going to be a row.

I think it really hit me when I was doing what you are, and planning how not to be there next time he was angry or sulking. I remember thinking how I'd hide his outbursts from DS (then only a baby) so that he wouldn't know Daddy was so cross.

That's when I suddenly remembered that this was not normal. Someone on a MN thread at the time said, do you realise there are men who don't do this? Who don't take it out on their partners and children when they're tired/ stressed/ grumpy/ ill? They exist, they're normal.

I'd been normalising how he behaved to such an extent that I was preparing how to hide it from my child. WTAF??!!!!

I left. Best decision of my life

Used to do that too

well, as a full time working mother I would NEVER dream of ruining my kids day cos I was "tired". He sounds like a pain cxxt, and my cxxt of a DP also pulls this shit too

sorry man hater today

My dad does this too, in exactly the same way. I hate the way only my mum and I ever see it, and how we are cast as the baddies if we stand up for ourselves against it.

Putting up with this in a partner as well? No, just no.

Caitlin17 what is this obsession with not going out because it is a bank holiday. When you have children who aren't at school every day is a day off for them and if you are a SAHM again, every day of the week is the same in a way. I suppose you think it is okay to go out on a Saturday and Sunday if your partner works Mon-Fri and a BH is just an extra weekend day in some ways. We took the opportunity to go out and it just so happened that we went to the beach on the Monday. Of course we could have gone Sat or Sun but we did other things that day. We went out because DH had a day off and we wanted too the fact it was a BH is relevant as otherwise DH wouldn't have had the day off!

Itsfab it's the obsession that because it's a bank holiday there's an obligation to go to some overcrowded children's attraction along with the rest of the world and his wife. What is difficult about understanding one might want to avoid the most crowded days?

Leave him.

My dad is also like this. Christ, there are an awful lot of complete cocks out there, aren't there? Depressing. Anyway, growing up in that dynamic was miserable. Our entire lives were governed by my father's emotional weather. We crept about, so as not to 'upset' him. As I grew up, I blamed my mother for not standing up to him and protecting us more. It is no surprise that I suffer from anxiety issues. A man that treats his family this way thinks of them as his belongings, not people. He might love them, in his way, but he sure as hell doesn't respect them as actual humans. Like him. You can't fix it, so I wouldn't waste my time tbh.

Snakeymcbadass I remember the same sort of childhood. Always on eggshells. I used to walk home from school praying that my dad would be working the 2pm-10pm shift because it meant he wouldn't be home and I would be in bed by the time he got in from work. I know he did love us but it was a miserable way to grow up and it's only really now in my thirties I have started to feel really pissed off about it even towards my mum. She taught us the art of walking on egg shells and even now nothing has changed. She could leave and tells everyone who will listen how much she hates him but she stays.

Caitlin, he was given the opportunity to not go but he chose to go and then ruin the day out for the rest of the family. The fact it was a bank holiday is irrelevant. Plus the OP states that her husband worked until 6pm the day before anyway.

Yes and I've agreed with OP he should have just taken that opportunity and everyone could have got on with what they wanted. Itsfab was going on about bank holidays.

That isn't what you have been saying Caitlin. You have decreed as you and your husband never wanted to go out on a BH, no one else should.

Ohh my exH was like this.

The reason he was such a moody bastard was because he was having an affair and wanted to be anywhere except with his wife and kids.

I'm not saying your husband is having an affair OP, just that something is on his mind that he's not sharing with you. There's no way he's tired after working until 1800 and having 12 hours sleep, and I doubt he's depressed as he can change his behaviour depending on who it's targeted at. He's just an arsehole.

Don't put up with it, it's soul destroying living with someone so moody and miserable, it just sucks all the joy out of your (and your children's) lives.

'She taught us the art of walking on egg shells and even now nothing has changed. She could leave and tells everyone who will listen how much she hates him but she stays.'

My parents exactly, depressing how common this is.

This has absolutely nothing to do with bank holidays, that's just a red herring. The OP clearly states this isn't new behaviour for him.

My Dad used to be like this, can still remember that awful feeling in my stomach when we could sense his mood had darkened. It's utterly selfish and I now refuse to put up with anyone who behaves like that.

Sole earner or not (can't believe that's being touted as some kind of excuse) he does not have the right to ruin everyone else's day, or week if he decides to continue his sulk over a prolonged period.

My dad and sister are like this. It's awful. I am constantly on eggshells. I don't feel like I can live as I want, I have to fit in with these bizarre moods, and do everything not to make it worse. It's a horrible way to live, I can't wait until I can afford to move out so I don't have to put up with it anymore.

Just out of curiosity those of you who also had Dad's like this how do you handle it now? Sadly I revert back to my childhood self of being a bundle of nerves and sooooo grateful when the mood has past that I get all chatty and chipper with him pathetic really. Could NEVER confront him about it. Hadn't seen so much of these moods since I left home and had kids he would always be quite "up" when we visited but he has darkened again in the last year or so to the point I will only visit if DH can come too (he doesn't do it around DH)

I used to let the dc's stay with them all the time but saw how even ds1 picked up on the "mood" last time and was clearly quite uncomfortable so I'm thinking holidays with grandparents may have to stop. (Sorry for the hijack)

'Just out of curiosity those of you who also had Dad's like this how do you handle it now?'

Stopped all contact soon after I grew up and moved away. Best thing I ever did. People like that will never change.