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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DH has ruined today with his bad mood?

212 replies

sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 16:39

DH sometimes gets in a bad mood if he is tired. He can't seem to accept that sometimes tiredness is part and parcel of being an adult/parent and that sometimes you just have to get on with it.

He worked yesterday. Admittedly it was quite a long day, but he got home at 6pm in a foul mood because he was tired, so I was quite relieved when he went to bed at 9. He had about 12 hours sleep as I got up with our youngest child this morning.

We'd planned a family day out today to an adventure-type park. The DCs have been looking forward to it. When DH got up this morning it was obvious that he was in a bad mood still, so I offered to take the kids by myself if he was still tired and grumpy. But no, he insisted on coming.

He has spent the whole day acting like a big child; giving one word answers, pulling faces when he doesn't like the sound of something, ignoring the kids and I when we spoke to him. He got in a right old strop at one point because I asked him to hold DS's drink whilst I helped DS off a slide. You could cut the atmosphere in the car on the way home with a knife...

We got home, and I said to DH that it wasn't fair to take his bad mood out on the DCs and I, and then of course I got it in the neck and now he is in a worse mood because of "my attitude". A few minutes ago he stomped off upstairs and shut the bedroom door, presumably for a sleep, of course leaving me with all the childcare etc, without even telling me that he was going up!

We were going to go out for tea tonight but DH said when we got back that he didn't want to and basically fired off a list of things that he does want, so I'm guessing he is expecting me to take the kids off to the supermarket to get the things, then prepare tea.

I hate it when he is in these moods; my own father was extremely moody and when DH behaves this way it casts a cloud on my day. I was so looking forward to a nice family day out, having fun, and now I feel that he has ruined it.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 05/05/2014 19:25

Misery guts, Caitlin.

We had a fun family day at the beach today. Why do you say days out are so horrible? Sometimes you do things that will be fun for the kids and not necessarily how you want to spend the day as that is what parents do.

I would have loved a day in bed with a book and some toast. The kids had a great day at the beach. Was lovely to be out.

The husband should have said if he really didn't want to go, the OP might have been annoyed but he was never going to say no. He wanted to throw his weight around.

Crocodilehunter · 05/05/2014 19:29

I couldn't cope with a selfish twat like him. It would have taken all my strength to stop myself slapping him.

Can you really carry on with this behaviour?

You say he's like this once every two or three months and it usually lasts about a week that's 4-6 weeks a year you have to tread on eggshells and feel like shit because he's in a mood.

Neither you or your children should have to put up with that.

JonesRipley · 05/05/2014 19:31

My dad suffered from depression and so have I. I think it can manifest in anger and irritability, but there's a really thin line between that and being a dick. He is being a dick.

My dad has got away with taking his moods out on my mum, rather like a toddler.

redexpat · 05/05/2014 19:32

I wouldn't even have told him I was going, I just would have gone.

Has he eaten enough today? I'm trying to think of why a grown man could act so childishly ALL DAY.

Is he under stress at work that he hasn't told you about?

I refuse to go out with DP unless he has had breakfast, because otherwise after an hour he gets stroppy like yours, but he usually perks up after some food.

Anyway I hope you and the DC have a lovely meal together.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 19:34

Yes - he could have stayed at home and that might have resulted in criticism but would have had the virtue of not ruining the day.
So probably better then.

attheendoftheday · 05/05/2014 19:36

My dad used to be like this. I grew up walking on eggshells, trying not to set off one of his moods. It had a bit effect on me.

With the benefit of hindsight I can see that it was just a way to control my mum and me. I had quite a miserable childhood because of it. I think it is something you need to address, because allowing it to continue sounds toxic.

OnlyLovers · 05/05/2014 19:39

Caitlin, I don't think it not being a 'fun-filled treat' is an excuse to behave like more of a child than the actual children.

Surely part of being a parent is to suck up being tired/fed up and do things that your kids want to do sometimes, regardless of how you feel yourself?

SapphireMoon · 05/05/2014 19:44

Oh my FIL like this and due to old age now opinion is that we have to tip toe round the old bastard 'as he won't change now'.
Awful when we have to stay with him...
You are right not to just accept such behaviour.

Snog · 05/05/2014 19:45

Is he working particularly long hours or in a very stressful job? Do you work too?
I wonder if he feels that the relationship is unbalanced?
No excuse for moodiness just trying to find out if there is more to this situation?

Caitlin17 · 05/05/2014 19:47

itsfab days out tend to be more fun if everyone is up for them because it's a nice sunny random day rather than it being compulsory because it's a bank holiday.

IndiansInTheLobby · 05/05/2014 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 19:53

Caitlin not sure whether it's relevant or not but I am the main earner in our household, although I do work slightly less hours than him. Why do you ask? Does the main earner have the right to act like a dick if they so wish? And as I said, he did have the option at home, and no, it would not have resulted in further criticism, I would have preferred it. Not sure which part of my posts has given you the impression that I would have criticised him further if he'd stayed at home? Please do let me know.

Thank you everyone for the replies. We are home now and he seems in a better mood, although still a bit snappy, but I plan to go and watch tv in the bedroom later rather than sitting in stony silence with him sulking. :)

OP posts:
MrsBrianODriscoll · 05/05/2014 19:53

My first reaction was that he is playing away and does not want to be where he is.

Sorry,but that was my gut reaction.

Itsfab · 05/05/2014 19:54

Well if it wasn't a bank holiday we wouldn't have been able to go to the beach today so your point isn't relevant.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 05/05/2014 19:58

OP you have my sympathies. My dh is a right one for moods, I normally kick them out if him pretty quickly though - with a stern warning that I am not pandering to his crap

Caitlin17 · 05/05/2014 20:00

Itsfab presumably there are other days or do you work the other 364 days?

OP I asked about who was the sole earner as I would have sympathy with a sole earner who might think sod it, I want a day off to do nothing

Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 20:01

Caitlin as I said, I did give him the option to stay at home. :) And to re-iterate, no, it would not have meant further criticism.

OP posts:
springsummerautumnpresents · 05/05/2014 20:02

If he wants to act like a child, it is time to treat him like a child!

Send him straight to bed with no dinner!!! :P

Rabbitcar · 05/05/2014 20:06

No excuse for his behaviour OP, that kind of thing casts a shadow over everything. I hate people who go into moods; just have a quick argument and move on. Think you handled it really well.

Itsfab · 05/05/2014 20:06

Caitlin - I don't get your point at all. DH had a day off so we decided to go out. What is the big deal? It just so happens it is a bank holiday so the kids were off too so we went out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2014 20:07

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you think you are teaching your own children about relationships here, what did your parents teach you about relationships?. How did your own mother deal with her moody H?. Same as you now, ignoring the stroppiness but still tolerating him on some level?.

You've likely gone on to marry someone exactly like your dad because this man is also moody.

Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 20:08

Thanks again everyone :) Your replies and advice are all much appreciated!

Caitlin, so a sole earner is entitled to a day doing nothing then, by your reckoning? But what about cases where both parents work? Or when neither parent works? How does that work then? Is it some unspoken rule that sole earners can spend a day sulking? Like Itsfab has said, I too don't get your point. Are people supposed to just sit in the house on a bank holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 20:10

Attila, my mother dealt with it by treading on eggshells - constantly - and still does now at 65 years old! What my dad says goes. Right down to things such as when she can and can't come and see her grandchildren!

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2014 20:11

So what did you do?!

medic78 · 05/05/2014 20:46

Iyes sole wage earners are god apparently according to some on here. They deserve more of a break whilst on holiday according to some etc etc.