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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset that DH has ruined today with his bad mood?

212 replies

sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 16:39

DH sometimes gets in a bad mood if he is tired. He can't seem to accept that sometimes tiredness is part and parcel of being an adult/parent and that sometimes you just have to get on with it.

He worked yesterday. Admittedly it was quite a long day, but he got home at 6pm in a foul mood because he was tired, so I was quite relieved when he went to bed at 9. He had about 12 hours sleep as I got up with our youngest child this morning.

We'd planned a family day out today to an adventure-type park. The DCs have been looking forward to it. When DH got up this morning it was obvious that he was in a bad mood still, so I offered to take the kids by myself if he was still tired and grumpy. But no, he insisted on coming.

He has spent the whole day acting like a big child; giving one word answers, pulling faces when he doesn't like the sound of something, ignoring the kids and I when we spoke to him. He got in a right old strop at one point because I asked him to hold DS's drink whilst I helped DS off a slide. You could cut the atmosphere in the car on the way home with a knife...

We got home, and I said to DH that it wasn't fair to take his bad mood out on the DCs and I, and then of course I got it in the neck and now he is in a worse mood because of "my attitude". A few minutes ago he stomped off upstairs and shut the bedroom door, presumably for a sleep, of course leaving me with all the childcare etc, without even telling me that he was going up!

We were going to go out for tea tonight but DH said when we got back that he didn't want to and basically fired off a list of things that he does want, so I'm guessing he is expecting me to take the kids off to the supermarket to get the things, then prepare tea.

I hate it when he is in these moods; my own father was extremely moody and when DH behaves this way it casts a cloud on my day. I was so looking forward to a nice family day out, having fun, and now I feel that he has ruined it.

OP posts:
rabbitrisen · 05/05/2014 22:26

Only trouble is that he may not want to be around you either.

At some point it may come to make or break.

I agree with a mix of what others have said. Caitlin17 for acknowldging his long hours and he is tired[may be you are stronger than him physically, and longer hours dont tire you as much, or you dont do physical work perhaps?].

I am a bit bothered by ganerchick's post. People who work long hours, are tired, and then carry on working can end up damaging their health.

Almostfifty says marriage is a team effort. Quite true. But it also entails trying to make sure that both people remain healthy.

DorothyBastard · 05/05/2014 22:26

Your relationship is history repeating itself. An emotionally abusive bully will not change just because you go to the gym rather than have breakfast with them. You need to think seriously about the future of your relationship before you end up like your mum.

clam · 05/05/2014 22:27

Don't let him re-write history. If he was in a bad mood all day, then tell him so.
Ask him what sort of weed is so knackered after a day's work and 12 hours' sleep. Wink

littlegreengloworm · 05/05/2014 22:27

It does sound that way to me (he does sound down fairly regularly)

You are right to plan some nice things for yourself. Plan more. Have a good day on Sunday and treat yourself.

rabbitrisen · 05/05/2014 22:27

x post. And there we go. Both of you already have health problems.

Lookrightnow · 05/05/2014 22:28

I had a relative with a husband like this. She left him in the end. He spoilt life for her and her children. They were completely incompatible. He was such a cock. Everyone's hated him in the end. He was so full of righteous indignation. Always felt like he was the victim. It was exhausting.

Have a lovely week op x

gamerchick · 05/05/2014 22:31

You can be a bit bothered all you want rabbit bank holidays aren't that often Wink and if you had read my post properly instead of the bits you wanted the you would have seen he had a whole day off fishing yesterday to relax as I insisted. Yanno, that give and take thing I mentioned.

Spero · 05/05/2014 22:36

You have described very similar outings I had with my ex.

Note 'ex'. After three years of this incredibly tiresome shit, I left him. He obviously didn't enjoy or value the time he spent with me and our daughter, so now he doesn't have to spend any.

clam · 05/05/2014 22:40

"People who work long hours, are tired, and then carry on working can end up damaging their health."

Unfortunately, many of us who work don't have the luxury of housewives to run round after us and sort out our children for us so we can sit around on our backsides all evening/weekend. It's called being a responsible adult, isn't it? You know, to run our homes and look after our kids? Regardless of gender.

rabbitrisen · 05/05/2014 22:43

In general, people in this country do not pay enough attention to their health, not by a long shot. And I mean both males and females.

They need more rest and sleep when they can. If they can. And it may mean making sacrifices elsewhere.

In other words, health need to be way higher on peoples' priority list in general.
And by that I mean physical and mental health. And emotional health.

rabbitrisen · 05/05/2014 22:43

It is responsible to try and look after everyones' health in the family.

careeristbitchnigel · 05/05/2014 22:49

Whatever time did he start for getting home at 6pm to be considered a "long day"

Unless he started at 4am he didn't do a longer day than most of us do regularly and manage to keep up with family life. Last week i worked 70 hours. You just have to cope. Your dh sounds very childish

gamerchick · 05/05/2014 22:49

yep I totally agree with you there.

However in the OP.. the OPs husband was given the option to stay at home and relax as he saw fit and he chose to strop and sulk instead. He should have stayed at home if he was tired. Those bairns were looking forward to going out and instead they had to put up with their mother trying to jolly the day on treading on eggshells around their dad who chose not to make any effort. That is a poor show and very sad for those kids.

There are no excuses for the way he behaved sadly.

rabbitrisen · 05/05/2014 22:59

but she also said this

he has said that he actually wasn't in a bad mood all day but that my "attitude and reaction to his tiredness" made him cross but I just rolled my eyes and ignored him.

I did think that he would probably have been swayed into going by not wanting to let the kids down, or them pestering him, but admittedly the op hasnt said that.

but yes, another time, I think that everyone else in the family should let him know that his presence is not required if he is going to go, but be stroppy.

aquashiv · 05/05/2014 23:11

Is something worrying. Him op? I guess that's one obvious reas on for a bad mood. Work money stress?
No excuse but it would help if there v is a reason m

clam · 05/05/2014 23:16

Lots of us have things worrying us but don't behave as he has done this weekend.
Lots of us are tired, but don't have the luxury of sleeping for 12 hours uninterrupted.
Lots of us would like to spend days off just vegging home alone. But with young children in the house, that's not always possible.

He's being very selfish and immature.

clam · 05/05/2014 23:17

And re: money stress, the OP has said that she actually earns more than he does. So she really ought to have more at least equal dibs on the worry sulk on that one.

gamerchick · 05/05/2014 23:19

If you do something you don't want to do and you don't think you're being listened to by your partner then you put the thought on hold.. get on with the day for the kids and you pick it up later with your partner.

You don't throw strops, be huffy nor anything else.. it's called being a grown up and those bairns didn't deserve none of it.

You don't go and make the day as hard as possible because you're feeling glum, tired or whatever.. you suck it up.

I will always try and think of things from the kids point of view.. sometimes it's hard when you feel wrapped up in yourself at that point of time. they're only little once. :(

HelenHen · 06/05/2014 05:43

I had this twice over the weekend! I'm sick of us having plans getting cancelled at the last minute. It's very selfish... And tiring for me! Oh if he's not tired, he's ill

ApocalypseThen · 06/05/2014 07:46

I can't believe the effort some are making for this behaviour. Being tired/the only earner/whatever doesn't entitle you to treat your family like crap. Which us what he did.

Spero · 06/05/2014 08:30

Agree. There is no excuse for treating another human being like this, particularly not the ones you are supposed to love.

If you are really feeling so ill and tired you cannot cope with a family day out you say 'I am sorry, I am feeling so ill and tired I cannot cope'.

If a day of rest doesn't sort you out then go to the GP to get help.

You don't take it out on your family in this deeply unpleasant way unless you are an immature, selfish or unpleasant person.

Koothrapanties · 06/05/2014 08:57

The fact that he isn't like it with anyone else shows that he knows it is completely unacceptable behaviour. It's not ok that he thinks it's fine for you and the kids though.

I think you need to have a talk when he is in a good mood. There is no point trying when he's in a bad mood, it won't get you anywhere. I think you need to say to him about the effect it has on you, and how much it is upsetting you. Also say that it's impossible to get through to him when he is in those moods, and you aren't sure how to deal with it.

justtoomessy · 06/05/2014 09:19

Jesus some people posting on here are 1950's throw backs!! Poor bloke having to work and then god forbid spend the next day doing family things when he should have been able to sit on his arse all day and sulk!

I work 12:30 hours shifts leaving for work at either 6:15am or pm and not getting back until 8:45 am or pm after dropping off and picking up DS. No way would I refuse to take my DS on a nice day that had already been planned because I was tired! He had 12 hours sleep, had not done any childcare/household related stuff and still sulked. Not acceptable and must be bloody awful for your children OP.

My dad was another one that we had to tip toe around because of his moods and it massively affected us all. It is a horrible/abusive way to grow up. The fact that he blames you is also a massive indicator of emotional abuse. I get in moods, I get tired but no way would I blame someone else for them.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 06/05/2014 09:20

Exactly Kooth. It's very telling that this behaviour is reserved only for his immediate family. It's abusive.

It doesn't matter whether or not he's dealing with other pressures. We ALL deal with other pressures of some sort and don't display this type of behaviour, because that's what mature adults do. They deal with things without taking it out on others.

Snatchoo · 06/05/2014 09:23

My DH can be like this. I normally tell him to stop acting like a fucking child and then flounce off and do my own thing.

I don't know why he can't just admit to himself he's in a strop. I can, and will tell him to leave me alone for a bit so I can drink my coffee and look at funny videos on YouTube for a bit. I apologise if I snap because I can recognise I'm being a twat.

He just stomps around shouting 'I'm not in a mood!' Like a teen.

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