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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DH has ruined today with his bad mood?

212 replies

sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 16:39

DH sometimes gets in a bad mood if he is tired. He can't seem to accept that sometimes tiredness is part and parcel of being an adult/parent and that sometimes you just have to get on with it.

He worked yesterday. Admittedly it was quite a long day, but he got home at 6pm in a foul mood because he was tired, so I was quite relieved when he went to bed at 9. He had about 12 hours sleep as I got up with our youngest child this morning.

We'd planned a family day out today to an adventure-type park. The DCs have been looking forward to it. When DH got up this morning it was obvious that he was in a bad mood still, so I offered to take the kids by myself if he was still tired and grumpy. But no, he insisted on coming.

He has spent the whole day acting like a big child; giving one word answers, pulling faces when he doesn't like the sound of something, ignoring the kids and I when we spoke to him. He got in a right old strop at one point because I asked him to hold DS's drink whilst I helped DS off a slide. You could cut the atmosphere in the car on the way home with a knife...

We got home, and I said to DH that it wasn't fair to take his bad mood out on the DCs and I, and then of course I got it in the neck and now he is in a worse mood because of "my attitude". A few minutes ago he stomped off upstairs and shut the bedroom door, presumably for a sleep, of course leaving me with all the childcare etc, without even telling me that he was going up!

We were going to go out for tea tonight but DH said when we got back that he didn't want to and basically fired off a list of things that he does want, so I'm guessing he is expecting me to take the kids off to the supermarket to get the things, then prepare tea.

I hate it when he is in these moods; my own father was extremely moody and when DH behaves this way it casts a cloud on my day. I was so looking forward to a nice family day out, having fun, and now I feel that he has ruined it.

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 05/05/2014 20:56

I'd try to address the problem with the dh as mine tried this years ago and I just totally ignored it. I know it's difficult but as I see it you have 3 choices - 1 accept he wants to be centre of everything; 2 ignore it totally and do your own thing or 3 ltb. Other posters may have different ideas though. I have found that by ignoring the strops, dh tends not to try it on.

crispyporkbelly · 05/05/2014 21:03

How the fuck is he tired after sleeping 12 hours?!

I know that if you sleep too much it actually makes you more grumpy/tired feeling than refreshed.

He sounds like a right misery, poor you and dcs.

medic78 · 05/05/2014 21:09

So a sole earner is allowed to think sod it I will hVe a day off but a sahm or 2 working parents cannot.
Interesting logic.

Sallystyle · 05/05/2014 21:16

My husband has bi-polar. His depression can lead him to rotten bad moods.

He accepts that he is in a bad mood so he either tries really hard to not let that show or he will apologise and stay at home if he thinks his mood will ruin the day.

Your husband was an arse. Grown adults might get in moods but they should know how to not ruin a special day by hiding it or staying in. No excuse for that.

lavenderhoney · 05/05/2014 21:20

To be given the option of staying home and relaxing, after his heavy day finishing at 6pm and the twelve hours sleep, - what time did he go to bed op? Did he get involved in any childcare at home before bed? And help in the morning before the off?

He's a selfish sort for going and spoiling the day. And he's like it for a week after! And tells you you've got an attitude problem! And clearly doesn't like to discuss his moods affecting the whole family.

I see. This is man who doesn't really like being a father or a husband much. And your dc probably noticed that they went out for tea and old sulky chops dad stayed at home to sulk some more. What fun!

What's the plan then, op? He has learnt that sulking and spoiling works for him. Its going to be hard to make him want to change.

Caitlin17 · 05/05/2014 21:25

OP if only one of you worked long hours then I think that person should get to do whatever they like on a bank holiday- and if that means bugger all so be it.

I have a colleague who works a 12 hour day with an hour's commute at each end. His wife doesn't work outside the home . They have 2 children , in P6 and P4 with no special needs . There is no way on earth her workload compares to his and if he wanted to do nothing on the bank holiday I think that is entirely up to him.

It would have been better for all concerned if your husband just stayed at home and you gave him that opportunity. He definitely deserves criticism for coming along anyway and sulking. I don't think he deserves criticism for not wanting to go.

Sleeping for 12 hours at a time isn't good. I don't get enough sleep as I stay up too late. Around 2 on weekdays and around 4 at weekends. I don't sleep if I go to bed early.Every now and then I will spend a Sunday in bed as I'm exhausted. Is there any reason for his odd sleeping patterns?

Caitlin17 · 05/05/2014 21:27

medic had you read what I said husband and I both worked full time. Days out were when we both felt like it- not mandatory because it was a bank holiday.

Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 21:27

Caitlin, I haven't criticised him for not wanting to go. As I said numerous times, I gave him the option to not go. He chose to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 21:29

Thanks again everyone for the replies! :)

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 05/05/2014 21:32

medic exactly! You would think a sahm would need a day off from children more than anyone. Not someone who is away from them all week and has weekends in bed like ops dh

Almostfifty · 05/05/2014 21:33

My DH used to work really, really long hours. We have four children.

If he took a day off when they were small, he did just as much as I did. After all, when did I ever get a break when they were small? I couldn't even get a cup of tea without one of them around me.

He never, ever expected me to do it all. We worked as a team as soon as he came through the door till they were in bed. Every night, whether he'd been making multi million pound decisions or not, he'd help with bath and bedtime.

Family life should be like that. It's not one versus the other, it's working together. If one of you can't do that, then you've a problem.

MrsCripps · 05/05/2014 21:36

He sounds like a shit.
LTB

littlegreengloworm · 05/05/2014 21:37

I couldn't stick that carry on at all, then blaming you

He's spoilt and very, very selfish.

medic78 · 05/05/2014 21:38

But caitlin you pretty much said you would have sympathy with a sole earner who wanted to do sod all. So sahm would than pick up the slack. If you were a sole earner than I would hope you would be glad to spend time with your dc and not behave like one.
Agree if you both want a veg out day than its ok. Plus as you said your dc are older so they need less input.

gamerchick · 05/05/2014 21:45

You know what it is I've read some utter bollocks in my time to excuse shitty behaviour.

For eg. my husband is currently going over 70 hour weeks.. his day starts at 3.30am. I rage quit my job so am a SAHM at the minute... granted I do most things in the house.. I treat my husband like he's made of gold and he doesn't throw strops.. he doesn't sulk and take it for granted. He'll come home and will throw the hoover about if I haven't got around to it etc. Yesterday I chased him fishing all day and today I gave him a huge list of jobs I wanted done and we took my asd kid out (who isn't is) to run off steam despite his back killing him after doing the garden.. He didn't want to do it but yanno he sucked it up with a fucking smile on his face AND he chased me out for a few hours tonight while sorting the kids out so I could have a break, even though he's up at 3.30 tomorrow morning for work and i've got 6 hours with no kids and tomorrow i'll feed him when he gets in, send him to his man cave and if his back still hurts i'll rub him down with warm oil.

Thats the sort of stuff you do in a relationship.. it's all give and take, not sulking and taking things as a given because you work long hours. Makes a happy marriage.

The minute there is sulking and atmospheres is when you call a come to jesus meeting to sort it out.. nobody is entitled to go to bed for half a day and then have a face on all day because they're in a bad mood.

Sorry that was longer than I meant it to be... it makes me so cross when people try to excuse shitty stuff because they work grr.

HemlockStarglimmer · 05/05/2014 21:45

My ex was very like this. It is the main reason he is an ex.

Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 22:08

He's been in a better mood this evening since I got home. I don't normally do assertive things so I think he was quite shocked that I did it. He has said that he actually wasn't in a bad mood all day but that my "attitude and reaction to his tiredness" made him cross but I just rolled my eyes and ignored him.

He's gone to bed now and is going away with work tomorrow afternoon. I work from home, and we were planning on spending the morning together and going to lunch, but I've actually now made plans with a friend to go to the gym together and then to have a coffee and catch up.

Hopefully he will learn that his bad moods will have consequences, ie that I won't want to be around him!

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mimishimmi · 05/05/2014 22:17

My grandfather was, and still is to a lesser extent, like this when my mum was young and also when I was young. A bit more of a theatrical type though - lots of huffs and puffs and very shouty. Same thing though in that he'd expect everyone to cater to his moodiness. Now he complains when I visit that none of his children want him to live with them in his old age (he's very well off and in a retirement community which does have the option of assisted living units if he wants to take it up). Hope he's not hinting that I should take it on because there's no way on earth that's going to happen..

Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2014 22:17

Well done!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/05/2014 22:18

Good for you SharkShorts. I wonder when the next episode of tiredness twattery will strike.

Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 22:22

Oh no doubt he'll be Mr Tired when he gets back from his work trip at the weekend. I've just this moment made plans to meet a friend on Sunday though for all-day shopping and wine consumption in anticipation of his mood! Grin

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gamerchick · 05/05/2014 22:23

Good for you.. keep it up.

mimishimmi · 05/05/2014 22:23

Oh, and he complains that none of the other grandchildren visit often enough (they're all living far away, studying or have young children). He complained in particular about one brother (who is lovely) who lived three hours away and then when he did visit with his wife and two young children, my grandfather blanked them and would not talk to them for the duration of their three hour visit (my aunty and one cousin were there and saw it all).

littlegreengloworm · 05/05/2014 22:23

That's good shark. Pity the weekend was spoiled. I hope you don't mind me saying this but could he be depressed? I'm not condoning his mood- I couldn't stick it. But I just wonder. My ex was really tired a lot and go diagnosed him and he got help.

Original poster
sharkshorts · 05/05/2014 22:25

I think he might suffer from mild depression from time to time. He'd never ever go to the doctors about it though. I suffer from depression and take antidepressants long term and he's quite disapproving about it all. Although having said that I think he might get a bit of depression, he seems fine with everyone else, it's just me he takes it out on.

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