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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
Yambabe · 25/04/2014 23:01

so why don't you just pay for the taxi? Hmm

BlackDaisies · 25/04/2014 23:02

Well I suppose you could argue that she's 19, old enough to get home on her own and take responsibility for that. But personally I wouldn't think twice about picking up my own dd once a week, and would be upset about this too. Have you spoken to him about why he's changed his mind on this?

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2014 23:03

I can see why you'd want to make sure she's home safely etc, but it really is up to him because he's the one driving.

She's 19 so it's her responsibility to get herself back home, as harsh as that sounds.

How far is it?

wowfudge · 25/04/2014 23:04

Could you pick her up?

thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 23:05

Well he should do it but you could pay for the taxi.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:06

Yambabe I am a sahm with no income.

OP posts:
thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 23:06

wow op can't drive I think.

WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 23:07

At 19, I would be expecting her to make her own way home unless

If you don't drive, you're not really in a position to complain that he doesn't want to do it, it would be a huge pain in the arse to have to wait until 11pm every Friday night. He might have form for selfish behavior, but I don't think this is selfish. It is not fun being the only driver in a family when you live in an area that is crap with transport.

Can you learn to drive to take some of the driving pressure off him?

thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 23:07

What do you mean you have no income?

Don't you have a joint account?

Figster · 25/04/2014 23:08

Maybe she needs to rethink whether the job is viable in light of the circumstances? Could she change her Friday shift?

EverythingCounts · 25/04/2014 23:08

She is old enough to take responsibility for getting herself home. If her dad can give her a lift, that's nice, but it's not obligatory. There must be others leaving at that time - could she try and work out an arrangement where they share a taxi, or where friends/relatives take turns to pick them up and get petrol money?

wheresthelight · 25/04/2014 23:08

I am in my 30's and if I needed a lift home my dad would still come and fetch me and I do drive and buses are ok round here!

Your dh is being a twat!! What is his justification??

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:09

Agent it's about 4 miles away

OP posts:
LizardBreath · 25/04/2014 23:09

She's 19. Why take a job if she can't get herself home? Can she cycle? At 19 it seems a bit odd to be relying on others.

HauntedNoddyCar · 25/04/2014 23:09

Tricky. She's 19 so should be taking responsibility for herself but he did agree to do it and shouldn't go back on that.

Could they compromise on alternate weeks for lift and taxi?

Yambabe · 25/04/2014 23:10

when I said "you" I kind of meant you and your DH as a parental unit.......

the cost of driving lessons and running a car will far exceed the cost of a taxi once a week

Garcia10 · 25/04/2014 23:13

He may have form for being selfish but this doesn't seem to be selfish to me. She is 19 and therefore an adult. I had moved out of home at 19 (as I'm sure many teenagers do) and was independent. She should pay for her own taxis or learn how to drive.

You have to teach to her to be independent. That is the job of a responsible parent. YABU.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2014 23:13

But your Dad doesn't mind coming to get you wheresthelight, if he did I'm sure you wouldn't expect him to do it would you?

Does he need to justify himself? To his 19 YO DD or to the OP?

4 miles isn't a very long way to go, but then I'm not sure (depending on where you are) I'd want my DD out at that age/that time of night cycling back.

WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 23:13

4 miles in a taxi won't cost that much. If you don't want her to have to take the money out of her wages then give it to her from the money you have available to spend.

NearTheWindymill · 25/04/2014 23:14

Families help each other out and I think he should give her a lift. Life's about giving and taking and he should be jolly glad she is motivated and working imo.

But there are a couple of questions OP. Why can't you drive? Why can't you learn? Why can't dd drive or learn? Why can't dd have a moped? A SAHM with a 19 year old - how old are your other children? Why can't you work? Why don't you work?

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:15

He wouldn't pay for a taxi as she is earning now.
Yes it is a joint account but somehow I don't think he'd be pleased if I took the money out to give her.
I agree the hours aren't ideal but she was unemployed for ages before getting the job so it was really a case of beggars can't be choosers.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/04/2014 23:15

4 miles is easy cycle distance.

DoJo · 25/04/2014 23:16

Did he agree to give her a lifts when she was considering taking the job? Because if it was a part of the reason that she accepted the job, then HIBU, but if she took the job knowing that she couldn't get herself home, then she needs to work something out. If she assumed that he would give her lifts indefinitely when he really meant that he would do it until she sorted something out herself, then I think it's reasonable to give her notice that it will not continue forever.
Either way, I think at 19 she should be sorting things out for herself, whether that's a taxi, cycling, arranging lifts from mates or learning to drive herself or even switching shifts to ensure that she can take care of her own travel arrangements.

AlpacaLypse · 25/04/2014 23:16

Yambabe I am a sahm with no income.

So his money is his money not the family's money?

Angry
thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 23:16

Oh bugger that! I would pick up my oldest if he needed and he's 24, he would me too. It's what families do.

Still taxi sounds sensible for one night a week.

Still don't get your no money situation.