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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:59

Garcia,I said in my op that she will be learning to drive soon and public transport isn't an option as the buses stop at about 8pm.
Thanks for your kind words 3little frogs

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 25/04/2014 23:59

I finish at 1am and luckily work pay £14.00 for a taxi home. I remember when i sed to finish an 11pm shift in my early 20's, i hated it and was scared to travel alone then walk from the bus stop so i ask to do the nightshift finishing at 7am, try and get a taxi on contract if she is using one all the time or asking to do a few hrs overtime to cover the fares to make sure she gets home safe

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:00

I have 2 children my ds is nearly 17(what has that got to do with this?)

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 26/04/2014 00:02

sorry just realised its only one night she needs the taxi fare, ask if she can do ovetime to cover the taxi.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:05

Right I'm off to bed,thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
moreyear · 26/04/2014 00:06

You are being completely unreasonable.

Your husband presumably works on a Friday. Not ever being able to go to bed till 1130 - midnight every Friday is a horrible imposition.

What if your husband wishes to go out on a Friday?

It's not expressly said if your daughter is working full time or is a student but I am inferring from your posts that state she works more than one shift, and was unemployed for a period of time she is in full time work. Does she pay board? If she doesn't maybe your husband feels that is support enough. A 19 year old in full time employment living at home for free is a far different set of circumstances from a 15 year old in a part time job.

Perhaps if your daughter offered to pay for a taxi once a fortnight he might be willing to alternate?

And if he isn't I still don't think he is unreasonable. If he sent a text to your daughter at 10:30 saying I won't be picking you up that would be terribly unfair. Saying to her I will do this for x number of weeks and then you need to make alternate arrangements is not.

And I hope your daughter has made some kind of acknowledgement to the other person kindly driving her home. (You may well have said she is and I have missed that - my apologies if that is the case).

I would pick my child up in these circumstances if they were stuck or their ride fell through but never as an expected constant.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 00:07

I'm really torn now.

Even though I don't think he should get her if he's not up for it, him being tight and not pulling his weight around the house makes me wonder why he's suddenly decided not to.

It being because he's found he can't relax on a Friday because he knows he's got to go out is much better than if he's doing it because he's being awkward/selfish/an arse.

My parents would help me out well into my 20s so I know how important the support is, of course you're going to want to help your DD as much as you can with keeping her job OP. If you were doing that because you felt she wasn't safe with any other way of getting back I would say force the issue with him, but it's only about the cash for the taxi.

But then that comes back to him being a tight arse and controlling with your finances...

You sound as though you've had enough of him OP, have you looked into getting away?

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:11

Yes she does pay board(and did while she was on the dole)
She does pay for her an taxi fares it was other posters who suggested we pay for her.

OP posts:
Garcia10 · 26/04/2014 00:12

Ex-brummie - I'm going to get flamed for this but the reason I asked is because you mentioned that you do all the cooking and cleaning whilst your DH works fulltime. Personally I think if you have a 17 and a 19 year old and you don't work then I don't see why you doing the household stuff should even be mentioned. Surely that it is your responsibility otherwise what you do whilst your DH is working?

gobbynorthernbird · 26/04/2014 00:15

Agent, much as I'm for division of labour, the OP is a SAHM to a 17 and 19 year old. I'm currently out of work due to illness and I do pretty much all the house stuff as there are no young DC to take care of and I need to contribute to the household. And, tbh, if an example of him being 'tight' is not wanting to pay for an adult child to get themselves home from work once a week it may well be that they just have different ideas about money.
Not that I'm saying ex shouldn't leave if she's unhappy, of course.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 00:16

At a guess Garcia, how much the OP can manage must depend on how her depression is affecting her.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 26/04/2014 00:16

I actually think all adults or children old enough to should be helping around the home. OP has depression, sometimes it's hard enough getting out of bed. Of course OP may not have that symptom but a lot do have. Support is needed.

gobbynorthernbird · 26/04/2014 00:17

I need to learn to type faster. I can't even blame it on booze tonight.

Garcia10 · 26/04/2014 00:17

AgentZigZag - why should the OP's DH 'pull his weight around the house'?! The OP doesn't work and has a 17 and 19 year. Why can't she clean the house and cook meals? It isn't like she has little ones to look after. Realistically we are talking at the maximum 2 hours cleaning and 1 hour making dinner. Shouldn't she be able to fit this in her day?

I do have sympathy due to her depression but surely her husband shouldn't be expected to work full time and do housework in these circumstance?!

aermingers · 26/04/2014 00:18

Garcia, totally agree with you. I also think she is an adult and it is her responsibility to get to and from work, he's not obliged to do it.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:20

I have looked into getting away but how? No money(OK the house would be sold and split but how long would that last?)
I wouldn't be able to work because of the depression so would be on benefits which would be hard.
I suppose if I was serious about it I could do it but it's a scary prospect.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 26/04/2014 00:22

See - I think that there are two ways of looking at this.
Yes, doing the household stuff as your share of the work when partner is out earning is one thing and is fair.

I get the impression that the OP is expected to do absolutely everything without much appreciation from a man who is controlling and ungrateful.

Of course I may be completely wrong, but I doubt it.

I work fewer hours than DH, so I do more domestic work. But he tells me every single day how much he appreciates everything I do, and he always looks for ways to help in any way he can. For me this is what makes all the difference.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 26/04/2014 00:22

I have to go to bed now, horrid 13 hour shifts this weekend, but want to say that sometimes when you're out of a situation it can help a lot with depression. Scary I know but doable. I hope you're getting a lot of help with your depression?

gobbynorthernbird · 26/04/2014 00:23

I should add that when DH was unemployed for a while, there was no way I was going out to work all day and then coming home to cook and clean. You're at home, you do it (with the exception of SAHP who have young or disabled children who actually need looking after).

FreakinScaryCaaw · 26/04/2014 00:24

3littlefrogs you're so right. I'm cutting my hours soon so I see more of the family but dp will still do housework. My teenagers will do some too although not enough. They will if coerced though.

3littlefrogs · 26/04/2014 00:25

BUT - I do think dd should pay for a taxi home out of her wages.
DD is an adult, she needs to be as independent as possible, not give her dad an excuse to cause an argument, and not cause her mother any additional worry.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 26/04/2014 00:26

gobbynorthernbird so if you both go out to work who does it? Why should the SAHP do it all? I just don't get that.

Anyway off to bed so I can get up for work. Night OP.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 00:26

I've had a school aged DC and not worked too gobby, and I did the majority of the work around the house. I work relatively long hours now and still do the same amount of housework.

But the difference is that DH will acknowledge I've got a point if I ever have to kick his arse over taking the piss by leaving everything to me. If I say I can't manage (weeding the front garden) something he'll make an effort to get on to it (he's buying weedkiller tomorrow Grin).

The OP sounds as though she's saying her DH doesn't do a thing around the house, to me that is a deliberate decision he's made, he sees it as her job to pick up his kegs off the floor and that's not something I could live with.

Chippednailvarnish · 26/04/2014 00:26

The cost of a 4 mile taxi journey wouldn't be much, your DD is an adult and should pay her way like most adults do.

As for you not working / driving / having financial control, maybe if your daughter learns to provide for herself she won't find herself in your situation.

3littlefrogs · 26/04/2014 00:27

exbrummie - start looking for opportunities to get a job.
I retrained in my 40s. It can be done.
An income of your own is the first step to self respect and freedom.