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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:31

Thanks to the people who understand about depression.
To the poster who asked if this was his only example of tightness how about not wanting to give me the money for bus fare so I had to walk home from town?
Never parking on a pay and display car park and parking on a side street a good walk from where we
are going?
There are probably others but I've blocked them from my memory.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 00:35

I agree with you in a perfect world Garcia, but it's the fact that the OPs DH won't do anything that riles me.

Plus you can't underestimate the hold depression can have on someone, it's the 'but' after saying you have sympathy which shows you're minimising it. It can totally floor someone, working out the last time they did the hoovering isn't going to be a priority when they're struggling to make it through the next hour. Even if you haven't got depression your DH supporting you when you're feeling vulnerable can make all the difference.

What about all the non-routine jobs OP? Does he ever do any of that kind of thing?

gobbynorthernbird · 26/04/2014 00:35

Freakin, if you're both at work you both do it (or get a cleaner). If you are a SAHP with children who need actual looking after, which is a full time job in itself, then you share the housework (or get a cleaner). If you are at home with adult/practically adult children who have no health issues, then you do it.

As I said above, though, if ex isn't happy then she should leave, or at least consider leaving.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2014 00:35

Normally I am screaming about women who do all the housework. However, how long has this man been doing all the financial support and all the driving? 20 years? Maybe he thinks it's time he relaxed a little. A 17 and 19 yo should be helping, with a DM who has medical needs. Are they? Especially as at least one of them wasn't working until recently.

It is so easy to say that he should drive, when you don't and he should give her money, when he earns all of it. I know you didn't say that OP, it was said by others.

Maybe he is selfish, lazy and controlling but what would he say if this was his thread? "I work all week and have been volunteered to wait up until 11pm on my Friday night to give a lift to a perfectly healthy 19 yo. I'm tired, support everyone and need my sleep".

Garcia10 · 26/04/2014 00:38

I don't want to be appear unsympathetic - but why not get a job and leave? I it will be challenging as you are suffering from depression but you have adult children and can go. You need to start to take control to regain your self esteem.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 00:42

Next you'll be telling the OP it's only a mind over matter thing and to get a grip Garcia.

Has anyone you've ever loved had depression?

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:43

It will be more than challenging to get a job,more like downright petrifying.
I would not be able to keep said job as if I had a bad day and couldn't go in they wouldn't stand for that for very long.

OP posts:
WhoAteAllTheEasterEggs · 26/04/2014 00:43

Not read all the replies, sorry. Although she's 19, right? She's an ADULT. AS nice as it is her dad gives her a lift home, if he can't for any reason then she's more than capable of getting herself home!
My mum and dad used to give me lifts when needed at that age, but I certainly wouldn't have expected a lift home and huffed if one wasn't forth coming.
I could see the point at the age of 11 or whatever, but 19?! Nope, not so much.
Can't see where her dad is being unreasonable in this sorry.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 00:44

Don't feel guilty about having depression OP, and you don't need to justify why you have it and don't work.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:45

The DC are great,they don't know about the depression as I think I hide it well but they do muck in round the house when they are here..

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:46

Thanks agent.

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:49

The only thing h does is cut the grass agent.

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 00:51

Right I really am off to bed this time. Once again thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
ProcessYellowC · 26/04/2014 00:57

From the OP I don't see your DH as being selfish, and agree that your DD should be able to sort herself out. I don't get why she can't cycle to and from work? If money is tight with regards to taxis, I don't see that your DD learning to drive, then getting a car is the answer, and is it going to be any more affordable than a weekly taxi and some bus fares?

I am sorry though that this seems to be grinding you down on top of your depression. How does your DD feel about it and what is she planning to do? Is she moaning at you, or has your DH not even told her yet?

Garcia10 · 26/04/2014 01:09

AgentZigZag - how patronizing are you?! I'm being incredibly reversed with that response,

I've have two parents, a brother and a half-sister who have all been diagnosed with depression and who are all taking medication. Just because I appear blunt doesn't mean that I don't have empathy

If the OP's relationship is the major factor in her depression than she needs to find a way to move away from it. Getting a job could be the best solution. I realise that this may not be easy but her staying in her current relationship and maintaining the status quo is clearly not going to help her mental health.

What is your suggestion? For her to stay as she is and just carry on in a relationship where she is clearly not happy and has no monetary control?
Just give up as she is depressed?

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 01:27

Sorry if it came across as patronising, but your lack of compassion is pretty typical IMO Garcia.

I don't have depression, but I do have similar MH problems where because people can't see/experience it themselves they make assumptions based on what they think they'd do if they were in that position.

But they're coming at the situation without the MH problems, and there's no getting round the fact that they can be as debilitating as a physical illness.

You can even know yourself what you need to do to get from A to B, but actually doing it is impossible because you're ill.

I don't think she should give up and carry on, but you must know it's not as easy as forcing yourself to do things and trying to boost your self esteem.

You don't have to answer, but do you think the way you see it is down to the way you've had to protect yourself to a certain extent from being forced to live with close relatives suffering from it? (if that makes sense Grin)

Tallypet · 26/04/2014 01:44

I really don't mean to sound rude but are you not able to work at all? I understand depression can be debilitating but there must be something that you can do to help yourself and help provide in the household?

Your DD is old enough to sort her own way home after work. She'll need to do this from now on with every job she has. This is her problem to solve not yours or DH.

jasminemai · 26/04/2014 07:34

19?! Course its not expected to give lifts your dd is very selfish asking imo.

SquinkiesRule · 26/04/2014 07:41

Your Dh is a total tightwad, with you and your Dd.
Getting yourself out may well help you with your depression, some can be caused by living under his thumb and tightwadness.
I'd pick up my 19 year old as long as needed once a week and will do so today. I did last night after working a 13 hour shift and was in my jammies but he'd worked 12 too so I knew the walk was going to be tiring for him.

sewingandcakes · 26/04/2014 07:51

Hi exbrummie I've read the thread and I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I have it too and it's affected who I am in lots of ways. Finding the energy to get out of bed, let alone clean the house, is sometimes very hard and I understand completely how you feel about working.

I was wondering whether you could try volunteering as a first step? It would get you away from the house, and give you a taste of work without the stress of actual employment. I've recently started work again, despite the worries that "I'll be too ill/the kids will need me" etc, and already I feel better to have my own money and life away from the family for a few hours.

I hope things change in a positive way for you soon Thanks

sewingandcakes · 26/04/2014 07:54

Oh yes and I think that your daughter should pay for a taxi from her wages, as that is what adults do; if it's a regular shift rather than a one off then it's a bit much to expect parents to pick her up. Obviously if her dad had said he'd always do it then changed his mind then that's unreasonable of him.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/04/2014 07:58

OP - it's 4 miles; she could very easily get herself a bike and cycle. When I was that age, I moved from home, got a bedsit and was working and paying my own way including working out how to get to and from work. For a 4 mile journey, a pushbike is a very simple solution.

saintlyjimjams · 26/04/2014 08:03

Your dd needs to work out how she will get herself home. Cycling is a good idea if she doesn't want to walk or pay for a taxi.

Nice if her dad gives her an occasional lift but it shouldn't be expected of him.

Parking some distance away & walking to avoid pay & display sounds sensible to me. I do it if I have the time.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 08:36

OK the consensus is IABU. Fair enough.
To answer peoples questions dd does know what he is planning ,he told her yesterday(he was working from home) she isn't happy about it but in think that is more the fact that he changed his mind.
No I really feel I can't work as like agent says some days it's difficult enough to get out of bed.
As I said before I don't think any employer would be understanding enough when I was unable to come in as I was having a bad day.
I do volunteer and agree that's a start but don't feel able to make that next step yet.
Garcia although I sympathise with your family members having depression as agent says it's not the same as suffering yourself and until you have been there you will never understand.
BTW how can you be blunt and empathise?
Once again agent thanks for understanding.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 26/04/2014 09:53

BTW how can you be blunt and empathise?

You can still disagree with someone but empathise with how they feel.