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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/04/2014 23:17

Is it impossible to walk? Four miles is a lot but once a week, not unthinkable if there are street lights and she has a mobile to carry, maybe?

I wouldn't say it was unfair if this had been his position from the start. But I think that changing his mind is not really ok. For him to allow her to make a decision about the job based on his offer, and then to retract it, is actually treating her like a child.

Garcia10 · 25/04/2014 23:17

Where'sthelight - you are in your 30s and you still get your Dad to pick you up!?

I've never heard anything like that. Why don't you drive yourself? Are you married? Have you got kids?

I love my daughter(12) but at the age of 30+ she will be sorting herself out. Not relying on me.

On reflection your post must be a wind-up.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2014 23:19

What has the OPs work/driving abilities got to do with it Windymill?

feetlikeahobbit · 25/04/2014 23:20

What about getting her a cheap moped, costs aren't much and it'll give her the freedom to look for a better job further afield.

WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 23:22

The OPs driving ability has everything to do with it when she's accusing someone else of being selfish for not doing something she doesn't even have to think about doing.

Sparrowlegs248 · 25/04/2014 23:24

I got myself home from hotel/waitressing work from age 15 onwards, whether lifts or taxis. Then again i'm not convinced my parents were all that reasonable! But 19 is plenty old enough to be organising her own transport surely?

ImSoOverIt · 25/04/2014 23:25

I think both you and your dp should learn to drive. I would hate to be dependent on a man to get me about (especially one who uses his ability to drive as a way to assert his power).

ImSoOverIt · 25/04/2014 23:25

I meant you and your dd

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2014 23:26

I thought about a moped too feetlike, but then imagined my (13 YO) DD at 19 out on one late at night and thought better of it Grin

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:26

Wow lots of points there.
She took the job in a bit of a hurry,had the interview one day and started the next.
They were very short staffed when she started and didn''tvreally have a proper schedule at first as she was covering someoneelses job as they were on holiday.
The Friday nights seem to have become regular over the last month of so.
She probably could ask about changing the shift but is still relatively new and on her trial period so doesn't want to rock the boat.
I don't work because a) I suffer from depression which makes it difficult and b) I'm lucky enough to not need to.

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 25/04/2014 23:30

If you're lucky enough to not need to then you can afford the taxi fare or learn to drive.

piscivorous · 25/04/2014 23:31

My children are both in their 20s but I would give them a lift if they needed it, so would DH. As somebody else said, it's what families do.

I would be inclined to pay for a taxi out of the joint account and tell him you felt you had to as he had let her down.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:32

The body,although we have a joint account,he has already said he wouldn't pay for the taxi and i t would only cause a row if I got the money out.
To those who have asked I never felt the need to learn to drive /didn't have the confidence

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/04/2014 23:32

How do you know how much cash the OP has spare Freakin?

I can afford to learn to drive but I don't want to, maybe the OP doesn't either, it's not compulsory.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:34

Exactly agent. We manage but were not rolling in it.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 25/04/2014 23:36

Garlic - my post said IF I needed a lift and yes IF i needed a lift I would ask my dad and he would and has happily done it. Same as wheb he has needed lifts because his car was in the garage or like now when he has slipped a discount his back and can't drive I have given him lifts. I feel sorry for your kids if you can't be arsed to help them out!

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:37

Woo I said in my op if I could drive I wouldn't think twice about picking her up as others have said it's what families do

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 23:37

Learning to drive isn't compulsory, but neither is collecting an adult from work late at night every week.

It really irritates me when non drivers expect drivers to do drives that they'd rather not do, especially when they claim 'I'd do it in a heartbeat' and accuse the driver of being selfish.

OP has no right to interfere with this, it's between a daughter and her Dad, and as the one who's being expected to do the favour, it's up to the DH whether he does it or not.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 25/04/2014 23:37

Someone who says they're lucky enough not to have to work can surely afford a taxi fare? Mind you sounds like that's the least of OP's worries if she daren't even take it out of the joint account Hmm

Driving gives you so much freedom. Not compulsory but bloody handy to have.

hillyrolls · 25/04/2014 23:37

At 17-18 I was waitressing on min wage and getting home on my own (by taxi, or bus when available). Would never dream of expecting my parents to drive me home. It cost a bit but that's the reality of working, one night of taxi fares would not eat too much out of a weekly wage. And her expenses can't be too high if she still living at home. By 19 I was running my own household and taking full responsibility for all bills. That is what being an adult is all about.

wheresthelight · 25/04/2014 23:37

Garcia. Sorry bloody autocorrect

3littlefrogs · 25/04/2014 23:38

A taxi is a lot cheaper than driving lessons, buying, running and insuring a car.
DD is over 18. If her dad won't help (and I agree it would be nice if he would, but he shouldn't have to) she needs to organise herself.

OTOH I consider driving to be a life skill.

It must be an absolute pain being the only driver in a family (if you own and run a car that is).

WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 23:39

Because some people would do it does not mean everyone is obliged to.

The same as some people would choose to work and/or drive in your circumstances, but that doesn't mean that everyone is obliged to.

Garcia10 · 25/04/2014 23:39

Piscivorous - really? You would give them a regular left every Friday night at 11pm? They are adults. When are you going to treat them as such?

I can't believe how mollycoddling some parents are. I believe it is why there are so many young adults who are incapable in the work place. As above, my daughter is 12 but I am treating her how to be independent. She will not be reliant on me when she is 20+. Unless I have failed as my job as a parent.

NearTheWindymill · 25/04/2014 23:39

How can you be lucky enough to not need to work but unable to make a decision over how to spend a small amount of money, relatively speaking. If you have to answer to how you spend reasonable amounts then you do need to work for the sake of your financial independence.

I don't need to work but I work for two reasons. I like it and it means I have my own money to spend as I wish, when I wish, on what I wish.

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